The advantage Indian comics have over international comedians are we had one off the greatest materials ever. The traffic in India!
The people who are close to me know that I am from Coimbatore. Which was once a small town and is slowly growing. Inother words the traffic is starting to become a pain in the ass.
When it comes to Indian traffic it's like everyone is in a hurry. Maybe that's because we are always late. And it feels like everyone person in the country who is in a hurry will always be in the same road. Like the full town works in the same tiny office which doesn't give pay if u go 1 second late
. I'm not kidding! It's like you know how these signals have timers right? They'll show how many seconds you got to stand in the red light and that's the time you change the song or look at the girl sitting next to you and think "holy shit! That's how you look?!" It'll be a red signal and you will be waiting and there still be some 5 or 6 seconds left but then they'll start honking their horns. I have no idea why they do it. Are they telling me in Morse code to ram the guy in front? Or are they honking in tune to the edm song that they are playing? I think it's some chant. Have you seen how tribals start stomping their feet and hitting their sticks before they charge at an enemy. It's like that. They honk their honks like some tribal dance before the green light comes and like monkeys who saw fire for the first time.
And as soon as the green is on I'll be the 3rd car in the line yet he will still be honking his horn like mad. Dude! Do you think if you keep on honking for some 10 times then my car will grow wings and fly over everyone!!
Now was we know we all have started riding a cycle, then maybe a bike and then start riding a car and some people drive lorries. Remember how when we used to have a bike we used to cut through the traffic and between cars. Well the problem is when people still they can do that in heavy duty four wheeled vehicles! There will be some gap in which maybe I mean...maaaaybe 2 people can walk through and vroom! Someone will drive his Innova though like a steam train....and then he'll get stuck!
Another delusion people who think that they are still riding bikes are lorry drivers. Getting overtaken by a lorry is like a scene from the movie "Jaws". You are just an innocent dude driving...suddenly you can hear the roaring of the horn in the distance, suddenly you notice that a huge shadow slooowly cover you as he goes into your land ready to crush you with no remorse. At that point the jaws music starts playing in your head. The Indian driver part of you will be like "Why should I let him over take? I'll go faster" but the sane voice in yr head will be like "Are you insane?! You are almost under the lorry. Just let him into your lane and then maaaaybe he won't crush you!"
I personally think that this is what lorry drivers think when they start "Ok. Here is your license, keys to your lorry and also here's a paper which says you own every single road in the world"
Another common idea here is "If there is too much traffic in the lane ...make your own lane" so if the opposite lane if free. One person will slowly go that side and go freely by myself and some people will follow him without thinking just like the dumb soldiers in Alexander the greats conquest and make another lane! And everyone will keep doing that like a messed up game of jenga and boom! Thats how one way roads are born!
Now imagine the (common scenario) that you hit someone or something came flying and hit your vehicle and it's totally not your fault. If you go tell this to your parents. They won't be like "It's his fault. Don't worry" they would say "You should have been more careful. You should more alert". It's like those scenes in Kung fu movies when the hero tells his sensai that the villain is using knifes in a martial arts contest and instead of complaining to the referee the sensai would go "You should have been more careful. You should be more alert". That's how it is. We are supposed to have ninja like reflexes and be prepared for anything which jumps in our way! From behind...front...side..smokescreen..knives...missiles..jumping gorillas from above. We must be ready! Haiyaaa! *Bowing down*
Here's a funny thing. Other countries if you use horns a lot. Apparantly it's nuisance. Bloody here horns are what wake us in the morning! Not the chirping of birds! People honk before turning. When they are on the road. When they happy and they know it. Sometimes they honk to the beat of the song they are listening to! "Eeveerybooody *honk*. Honking is to say that "I'm here! Don't crush me with a lorry!" Want to mess with someone driving a car. After he honks just ask him why did he honk? And he'll be like ".....................get out of the car!"
Another common trait is that if you piss off someone or almost hit them then theyll give you "the look" before you overtake you. A 4 second pointless coooold stare and they won't say anything. Like they expect laser rays to shoot of their eyes and blow up your car! I belief half the crashes are bcos of wanting to give "the look" and they don't look at the road
One we should be aware of are these first time scooty drivers. a small problem is that the parents keep on telling them to be careful so many times that I feel it kinda spoils the confidence and scares them a bit. So if you sneeze next to them then...Aaaaah! They'll jump of the scooter expecting a parachute to pop out. Ps to those people....scooty peps do not have eject button!
In foreign countries one of the most common things which police catch for is speeding! Going some 5km above speed limit you will get caught. And I've wondered why they never do that here in India. Now it makes sense. You see to catch a person who is speeding. You need to take the car, put the siren and put one movie car chase to catch the person who is speeding, skid in front of him and then give him a fine. Sounds like a lot of hard work....for that you can just catch the couples who are sitting in cars. Trust me! That is the only time you see the police come quickly! (I don't even know if it's against the law)
Now let me wrap this up with the bigger life hack relating traffic. Do you know how you guys keep singing in the car and have a great time during Carpool Karaoke and when you reach the place you are like "Aaaw. We reached already?" Keep that in mind and remember the times when you are stuck in traffic and you are like "how long am I going to be stuck here?!" Combine both! Problem solved! You'll be enjoying every red light! And if people look at you singing and dancing that single ladies dance like you are retarded....don't wry about that. They are the retarded ones for not having a good playlist in their car! BOOYA! Your welcome! There nothing wrong in coming 10min late if you are having a good time!
Sir: "..........so this is your explanation for coming half an hour late for work?!"
The people who are close to me know that I am from Coimbatore. Which was once a small town and is slowly growing. Inother words the traffic is starting to become a pain in the ass.
When it comes to Indian traffic it's like everyone is in a hurry. Maybe that's because we are always late. And it feels like everyone person in the country who is in a hurry will always be in the same road. Like the full town works in the same tiny office which doesn't give pay if u go 1 second late
. I'm not kidding! It's like you know how these signals have timers right? They'll show how many seconds you got to stand in the red light and that's the time you change the song or look at the girl sitting next to you and think "holy shit! That's how you look?!" It'll be a red signal and you will be waiting and there still be some 5 or 6 seconds left but then they'll start honking their horns. I have no idea why they do it. Are they telling me in Morse code to ram the guy in front? Or are they honking in tune to the edm song that they are playing? I think it's some chant. Have you seen how tribals start stomping their feet and hitting their sticks before they charge at an enemy. It's like that. They honk their honks like some tribal dance before the green light comes and like monkeys who saw fire for the first time.
And as soon as the green is on I'll be the 3rd car in the line yet he will still be honking his horn like mad. Dude! Do you think if you keep on honking for some 10 times then my car will grow wings and fly over everyone!!
Now was we know we all have started riding a cycle, then maybe a bike and then start riding a car and some people drive lorries. Remember how when we used to have a bike we used to cut through the traffic and between cars. Well the problem is when people still they can do that in heavy duty four wheeled vehicles! There will be some gap in which maybe I mean...maaaaybe 2 people can walk through and vroom! Someone will drive his Innova though like a steam train....and then he'll get stuck!
Another delusion people who think that they are still riding bikes are lorry drivers. Getting overtaken by a lorry is like a scene from the movie "Jaws". You are just an innocent dude driving...suddenly you can hear the roaring of the horn in the distance, suddenly you notice that a huge shadow slooowly cover you as he goes into your land ready to crush you with no remorse. At that point the jaws music starts playing in your head. The Indian driver part of you will be like "Why should I let him over take? I'll go faster" but the sane voice in yr head will be like "Are you insane?! You are almost under the lorry. Just let him into your lane and then maaaaybe he won't crush you!"
I personally think that this is what lorry drivers think when they start "Ok. Here is your license, keys to your lorry and also here's a paper which says you own every single road in the world"
Another common idea here is "If there is too much traffic in the lane ...make your own lane" so if the opposite lane if free. One person will slowly go that side and go freely by myself and some people will follow him without thinking just like the dumb soldiers in Alexander the greats conquest and make another lane! And everyone will keep doing that like a messed up game of jenga and boom! Thats how one way roads are born!
Now imagine the (common scenario) that you hit someone or something came flying and hit your vehicle and it's totally not your fault. If you go tell this to your parents. They won't be like "It's his fault. Don't worry" they would say "You should have been more careful. You should more alert". It's like those scenes in Kung fu movies when the hero tells his sensai that the villain is using knifes in a martial arts contest and instead of complaining to the referee the sensai would go "You should have been more careful. You should be more alert". That's how it is. We are supposed to have ninja like reflexes and be prepared for anything which jumps in our way! From behind...front...side..smokescreen..knives...missiles..jumping gorillas from above. We must be ready! Haiyaaa! *Bowing down*
Here's a funny thing. Other countries if you use horns a lot. Apparantly it's nuisance. Bloody here horns are what wake us in the morning! Not the chirping of birds! People honk before turning. When they are on the road. When they happy and they know it. Sometimes they honk to the beat of the song they are listening to! "Eeveerybooody *honk*. Honking is to say that "I'm here! Don't crush me with a lorry!" Want to mess with someone driving a car. After he honks just ask him why did he honk? And he'll be like ".....................get out of the car!"
Another common trait is that if you piss off someone or almost hit them then theyll give you "the look" before you overtake you. A 4 second pointless coooold stare and they won't say anything. Like they expect laser rays to shoot of their eyes and blow up your car! I belief half the crashes are bcos of wanting to give "the look" and they don't look at the road
One we should be aware of are these first time scooty drivers. a small problem is that the parents keep on telling them to be careful so many times that I feel it kinda spoils the confidence and scares them a bit. So if you sneeze next to them then...Aaaaah! They'll jump of the scooter expecting a parachute to pop out. Ps to those people....scooty peps do not have eject button!
In foreign countries one of the most common things which police catch for is speeding! Going some 5km above speed limit you will get caught. And I've wondered why they never do that here in India. Now it makes sense. You see to catch a person who is speeding. You need to take the car, put the siren and put one movie car chase to catch the person who is speeding, skid in front of him and then give him a fine. Sounds like a lot of hard work....for that you can just catch the couples who are sitting in cars. Trust me! That is the only time you see the police come quickly! (I don't even know if it's against the law)
Now let me wrap this up with the bigger life hack relating traffic. Do you know how you guys keep singing in the car and have a great time during Carpool Karaoke and when you reach the place you are like "Aaaw. We reached already?" Keep that in mind and remember the times when you are stuck in traffic and you are like "how long am I going to be stuck here?!" Combine both! Problem solved! You'll be enjoying every red light! And if people look at you singing and dancing that single ladies dance like you are retarded....don't wry about that. They are the retarded ones for not having a good playlist in their car! BOOYA! Your welcome! There nothing wrong in coming 10min late if you are having a good time!
Sir: "..........so this is your explanation for coming half an hour late for work?!"
