PSYCH!

      "Madness is only in the mind"
              -Mysterio (The villian from Spiderman)
   
      "I'll be the judge of that mate!"
          -My psychiatry professor

Ok for the record. Psychiatrists will not hypnotise you with a circular object when you come for consultation. So don't expect any spinny trippy stuff whenever you go.

Psychiatry deals with mental disorders. So this is a posting in which you can't diagnose the patient by just looking out of the window.

One interesting part about psychiatry posting is that by the end of it. You'll be convinced that you have a mental disorder. I remember i was taking the history for this mania patient and by the end of it i was convinced that i had mania. She was like "I'm happy most of the time..i really like singing and dancing. I travel alone wherever i want to"
And I'm like "uh huh....ya one more question. Are we related by any chance?"

Dealing with the psychiatry outpatients is totally different from the other outpatients. Other specialities you can just tell them and theyll leave. Whereas here we can't talk much sense into them so we gave to be patient and understanding (and carefuc)
Once a patient started cursing us.
Im like "What do we do now?" And my friend was like "Just don't give eye contact and act like your busy"
Me:"Oh thats easy. I do that every exam with the examiner.

Another problem after posting is we'll start diagnosing everyone we see.
If we see our friend sitting outside and humming a song to himself we'll be like "Looks like hes talking to himself. He must be schizophrenic.......that answers so many questions"

Do you know how in every marriage girls always go to their friends and be like "hey...next is you i think"
Ya ...we guys do the same when it comes to the de addiction ward

A survey/rumour is said that psychiatrists get the most divorces.
My guess is that - Do you know when you have a fight with your wife do you know how we think "God! Confirm she's crazy!"
I think psychiatrists just diagnose them!
"Hmmm. You were happy today morning and then you started showing signs of anger with a short span of time. I believe you are showing symptoms of bipolar disorde....*getting hit by frying pan*

Damn! Imagine you trying to thrash talk a person during a game and and they just diagnose you! There's no coming back from that!
Me: "I'm gonna beat you so bad! Your momma won't recognize you and she'll send you for adoption"
Opponent: "uh huh. I believe that you blame other people's relationship with their parents in order to hide your insecurities with your family"
Me: *wiping tear*....You son of a bitch!

Another big question people have is the difference between psychiatrists and psychologists.
Psychiatry is more about clinical diagnosis.
So if you go with your depressions regarding a breakup to a psychiatrist he'll be like "My God. This is a next level case. For you medication isn't enough. You need shock treatment!"

Have you seen the expression doctors give when psychologists call themselves doctors.
Theyll be like "you think your a doctor? Soooo cute. *Pinching cheek* adorable! You go da rainbow! Be what you want! Cho chweet"

A tip to all the daredevils who are dating doctors. If you ever feel that the conversation is getting dull. Just ask them if they saw anything interesting in psychiatry posting. Boom! They will bring that flashback for some 10 minutes...and that will buy you time to make your escape.

Psychiatrist "This is a very interesting case. It seems like a bipolar case with huge effects of rage. Must be dealt with great caution otherwise you could get injured.
Me:"....er....sir. That's the gynaecology PG"

The Pot of Gold under the rainbow

*warning* the upcoming blog article will be more of a rant than medical puns so plug in your earplugs.

So recently in India section 377 was overturned which meant that homosexuality was decriminalised. 

Naturally that sparks a lot of debate in social media (noone argues face to face anymore)

So my only view about this

HOW ON EARTH IS THIS A DEBATE?!

We have all these people saying it shouldn't be legal. It isnt right or natural.

People say that they are against gay marriages.

Sooo let me get the logic behind this mate!

You are against people......for being themselves?!

 Woo. That sounds like a lot of unnecessary emotion.

Homosexuality is a part of a person's nature. Its who they are.

Which totally doesnt concern you.

My friends have had their insightful views on the situation

"The judgement is not only for members of the LGBTQA+ society, it is for us heterosexuals to understand our responsibility in truly carrying out spirit of the judgment. To be understanding that just a judgement does not change ground reality and how hard it still is to come out to a society, more specifically our Indian society."
 -Champagnemausi

"It most certainly looks like that day when homosexuality becomes accepted in society, is the same day when intercaste marriages will be totally accepted."
-KOPS

People make it sound like some bad habit people picked up in the States or something.

How would that conversation sound "Yo bro. Its spring break. What shall we try? Weed? Meth or heroin?"

Second dude :"I've got a worse idea. Let's date men. Omg. If my parents find out. Theyll kill me? Lets try it"

Really? And i thought I was the dumb one!

People sit and talk about the plight of how homosexual people are. 

I'll put in an easy way to understand

Lets put an alternate universe in which homesexuality is the majority and people are against straight people

So I go to my parents and be like

"Dad I like women"

Dad: Omg how could you? We never expected this from you! How can we tell people outside?

Me: "Oi. Stop making it look like i murdered someone. That's just what I am. I like women. What on earth can you do? Force me to marry a guy against my will? Or kill me? Hehe......oh wait a minute."

Seriously. People will be saying about how there are more homosexual people in foreign countries. The truth is there are as many homosexual people here but they may have been forced to marry someone against the will or heaven knows what?

Now the people who are against the homosexuality. 

The homophobics!

The Sexual Nazis.

 I understand from your side. Maybe you find it unnatural. That it is wrong......cool....ok......THEN FUCKING DONT DO IT!

Mind your own buisness!

Just let people be who they are and who be whoever you are. 

Its not like they are hurting anyone.

So stop spoiling our news feed with yr negative hate statuses you hitler wannabes!

Its a Wednesday afternoon. Don't you have a job or something?

I love another group of people who say "is this is a disease? Is it a psychological disorder"

I as a doctor am fascinated. If this is a disease what is the medication? Are there like some tablets to straighten them out?

So you got to take them 3 times a day? So if you take 2 tablets and i miss one ..does that mean the guy taking it will like women for 18 hours and then he'll revert back to liking men for the remaining hours?

#miraclepillonly

If you want to know what my point is after all this is. - Just let people be who they are. Its their life. Not yours! Stahp!

So my reaction to the overruling section 377 is "About fucking time! What took you so long?" 

Surgery - Magic Medicos XXL

I like surgery better than medicine
*Collective gasps in the audience*
That's right! Yeah! I said it! It was one incident during my internship which made me make up my mind!

It was surgery posting and there were some 6 patients in the ward and after we finished a rather brief rounds me and all the senior doctors started walking somewhere. I'm like "Soooo Sir are we going to the other ward or to the OP" and my PG was like "First we go to the canteen!"

 That's all it took

I remember confronting my medicine PG after that "All those patients we had in the ward!! We had some 50 patients! Did you take me once to the canteen? No! Not a single thought about whether I was hungry it not! For the amount of cases I saw. I should have been taken to a candle light dinner on a daily basis!"

Trust me we take our refreshments seriously!
So me being me would keep on hogging all the food during our canteen visits like some tanned pig (regardless of the fact I did work or not). I kind of impressed them in a way. One girl would be really sincere and she didn't have much of an appetite though so they would be snapping at her like "ya ya. You can give that blood infusion to the patient. Don't just keep on asking random doubts like that in the canteen and disturb us ok?!. Can't you see Kaushik is eating?!"


Another incident in which I knew I was a surgeon was during Medicine rounds when we went to a patient and the PG was like "So in this patient you can hear the abnormal breath sounds. So Kaushik you try listening to it with your stethoscope."
Me: *slowly taking stethoscope from patients chest and putting it around my neck*.....sir I can't hear anything except my own thoughts saying "I feel stupid"
PG: Then your a confirmed surgeon!

Theres that common internet joke about how surgeons are people who do everything but don't know anything. And I'm reply to that all I can say is - We don't need to know anything else! We know the procedure and the required anatomy and that's all we need to know! As for all the other stuff that's why we have you other specialists!

Whenever I see the surgeons repeatedly keep calling physicians for medical opinions. I get this image of these big jocks in college who keep on forcing the nerds to do their homework or they'll beat them up

Now have you seen that scenario where there's this big school bully. And just when he is about to cause more havoc his mum calls him
"Ok boys we are going to that playground and kick all those nerds. Then we go and stick bubblegum on their hair and.....what mum? I have to come for tea? But MUUUUUUUUUM I was about to go play in the park....ok fine. I'll come *walking slowly while sulking*"

That is the same scene when it comes these surgeons and anaesthetists
"OK we can perform a explorative laporatomy on the patient and then we can excise the.....yes ma'am? Patient blood count is low? And loose stools? But MAAAAAAAAM we were about to shift the patient!...ok fine. We won't *walking slowly while sulking*

There are small joys when it comes to operations. Like after a long surgery you sit down and........ That's it. Sitting down!
You have no idea how good it feels.
And those snacks after a long surgery. Aaaah. Outdated samosa and sugarless coffee and never tasted so good.

You want to see something scary? After a long surgery. Tell your chief that there aren't any snacks....then smoke your last cigarette because that's the last thing you will say

These junior surgeons are so eager. They are like those new people in a gang who are eager to go on a mission "sir can I do it? Sir can I do it? I'm ready! I'm ready! I've got my knife sharpened" and they'll have to keep on working up the ranks. Making the cheif happy (and full). Then only he'll get the nod of approval

I know I'm making this sound very chauvinistic. Surgery sounds like its full of men (And ortho is full of men's men...sometimes litetally)
Hey. There are female surgeons too. Big surgeons too.
When I mean big I mean..... Big intimidating she hulks who will probably have more testesterone in their body than you.

So I would finish this by saying. Just like how some people join the police for the car chases and end up having a desk job.
If you became a doctor and want some action or some movement then I would stay away from medicine and join team surgery!
#civilwar

Anaesthetists - The unsung heroes

Life is all about the unsung heroes. Defenders in football, our fathers, beaters in quidditch and the nice person in the restaurant kitchen who somehow convince the irritated waiters not to spit on our food.
In the medical world the unsung heroes are definately anaesthetists

Anaesthetists are basically like the control tower in an airport. They take care of everything. Even though the pilots will be getting all the glory (and all the air hostesses). Nothing will be possible without guidance from the control room. Without them it'll be just a bunch of planes colliding into eachother just like Breaking Bad.

When I was an undergraduate I would see these anaesthetists sitting doing nothing in a surgery thinking "Cheh look how happy and bored they are. This is the life for me" but then I realised that it's not as cool as it seems.
Keep it like this. If a surgery goes wrong. If the patient gets an arrest or the blood pressure goes high or if he shows sudden signs of pain. The surgeons will instantly put the full blame on the anaesthetists and act like they got nothing to do with the surgery......dispite the fact that they were performing a surgery on him for an hour and a half.
The blame game will keep on going on till the patient is shifted to the ward

I had a small preview of how the job will be during my anaesthesia posting.
The post graduate told I had one job! I just had to check the BP and the heart rate. Cool. How hard could it be? After some 20 minutes of looking at the monitor I thought of taking notice of the outside world and decided to take part in some extra curricular activity......like adjusting my slippers.
Then I get a tap on the shoulder and my PG shows me the monitor and it appears that the heart rate had gone high. It was at that moment I knew this speciality wasn't for me......a dialogue which I have been repeating regularly after every posting.

Freelancing anaesthesia is the worst. It's like a very delicate...game of Jenga. Freelancing aneasthetists are the people who travel to different hospitals for different surgeries. So they would have planned it peeerfectly. Like "this surgery at 2 o clock....I'll finish it by 3:30. Travel for half an hour and I'll get there in time for this surgery. And I'll go for the next one by 7 o clock...." You get the idea
Technically it's them Vs the universe (and gyenacology)
"What do you mean you going to perform a C section now?! You said not for another 12 hours!? That's not fair...but I have another cas.....oh screw it. I'm coming!"

So if anything happens...like bad traffic or a patient gets shifted late....or the other doctor comes late. Then their perfect timetable will break into pieces and the only persons blood pressure they'll be monitoring will be theirs!

You know what's the cool part about anaesthetists. They call the shots in the operation theatre. Nomatter how big of a surgeon you are. Even if you are doctor Strange. You cannot start the surgery without the permission of the aneasthetists.

So if ever a post apocalyptic day comes in which there is a civil war among doctors where the aneasthetists go on strike and refuse to go to surgeries. Then we are all f*cked!
All the operations will be going haywire and it'll be just like a bunch of planes colliding into eachother.
(The jokes on the surgeon if his ex wife is the anaesthetist for him)

I remember a senior anaesthetist telling about a survey in which they said that the most stressful jobs in the world are
1. Being in the control tower of the airport
2. Being an anaesthetist
It's only now I realise that both are almost the same

Physicians - Dr x

I'm going straight to the point. Physicians are probably one for the most intelligent doctors of them all.

The problem with physicians is that....they are one of the most intelligent doctors of them all.

Let me explain

Now. These guys know sooooo much medicine. They know so much medical knowledge that they would have studied BDS and ayurveda "for the heck of it"
    But the problem is they don't get the patients with complicating symptoms like how they studied. So their knowledge would be just thrown around the place. The biggest example is rounds.
They take *gasp* foreeeever!

Here's an example


Chief: So what case is this?
Pg: sir hes a bronchitis case which got admitted yesterday.
Chief: any complications?
Pg: no signs apart from difficulty in breathing
Chief: Sure there isn't pneumothorax or any CVS related complications?
Pg: we've run the CT scan so we sure there isn't any but we expected during admission
Chief: Aaah. i remember during my college days we used to get only chronic obstructive pulmonary diseases only. We used to have a full ward of respiratory cases.. So what do you think should be done next kaushik?
Me: KILL ME NOW! *cough*...sorry sir. That was an impulse.

Thats my point. They have studied so much that they need to show that they studied so much.
Its the same logic in movies
Director :"Why do you want a shirtless scene?! This is a political drama!"
Actor :"I don't care! I worked out for 7 months. Before these 6 packs go i need to show them!"

Sometimes i feel when you go to a phycisian and say that you have just a fever they are just dissapointed
Doctor:" So is it just a fever? Any vomiting blood or body pain or chills? You sure?"
Me:" No thanks mate. Just a fever is enough for me"

They have all sorts of amazing knowledge......except the basic knowledge of eating or sleeping during the admission days
#sinceritykills

Since a number of respiratory diseases come. They require to auscultate the patient so that means.....wait for it....theyll actually use the steth! Woah! Before medicine posting i had the steth for just ornamental purpose. I felt like Lord Shiva and the steth was my snake

Now don't underestimate the work load. Even though the case won't require that much practical involvement. We get a looot patients during the admission day. You get this feeling like everyone gets sick together like a group forward in a whatsapp group.

Lets not forget about dengue season. That is like the tomorrowland for fever patients. So much admissions! Do you know how scary it is to get a fever during that time?! Youll start believing in karma then!
"OMG! Ive got a fever! I've worked in the dengue ward for too long! I knew it! I shouldnt have shouted at that patient! Ive got Denguuuuuuu.....what? My blood count is normal? Then ok. Phew"

I want to finish by saying i really respect these physicians. If they had more brain power then they would be able to lift objects with their mind
#drxmen

SKIN SAVERS

*Note: This article will will be half the length of any ordinary article because dermatologist have duty for only half a day*
       

    Now it is commonly said that dermatologists are considered the good looking of all the doctors. I didn't believe that because I've never seen any of them during lunch break. Then only it struck me that they finish their duty before lunch and they leave the premise as fast as possible.
     
And so when I went for my Dermatology posting I'll have to admit that they were right. They sure have flawless skin and hair. I would consider it more of a professional obligation. Because we wouldnt want to get our skin checked by someone who has the same proboem
"Do you have pimples? What a coincidence?! It looks just like mine! Hi 5!"

Dermatologists are like the cheerleaders of the medical world. Just like how in a college when you say that you sister is a cheerleader and everyone gets excited. In a hospital if you tell your friend that you sister is a dermatologist they'll be like "Wooow! Give me an intro! Be my best friend! Anything!"

I have to admit they have really good eyesight. Able to differentiate the different rashes. For me differentiating between a eczema and scabies is just like differentiating between coke and pepsi. Both look the same and they both mess up your body!

I remember when I was in 2nd year and went to get my pimples checked and they guy put the diagnosis as "Acne Vulgaris". I didn't know what that was and I just saw the word vulgar and in my mind I'm like "Who da f*ck you calling ugly you prick!"

It's not like all skin doctors have only morning OP. They also have their evening rounds...I'm sorry...I mean OP during the evening. It's like they thought "We not doing anything sooo. We don't we do the same thing?....again"

The beauty of Dermatology is that there is there is no emergencies.....maybe except the emergency of being pressured to get a PG seat from your family. I mean emergency allergic reaction comes under medicine so......score!

Hey enough sugarcoating the speciality! Telling the public you're a doctor - cool.
Telling youyou a dermatologist - not cool.
Because then they will bring all their secrets from..er...down under.
"Oh thank God you're a dermatologist! I've got this weird rash under my arm. Like there is some fluid coming out I think. Look at it! Oh and also my hair is falling out. See! A clump just fell out now"
Doctor: "Sure.... Ill see that after eating. Oh wait. No problem. I don't think I can ever eat again......in my life"

They have cool lives because they have time to do other stuff. I remember having this friend who was a dermatologist and so when we would go out to dinner as a group she would be there before us and I'll be like "Don't you have some dermatology doctor stuff to do or something?"

So whenever people ask you what scope dermatologists have. You can just say " I don't know ....a life?"

My stand up experiences.....so far

"So Hey let me introduce you to my friend kaushik. He's a stand up comedian"
Me: "say what?"

      It took me time to get used to that introduction

     So I've been doing a few stand up comedy performances here and there in open Mikes. Maybe it has been a brief journey. I just want to tell how the journey has been. .....before i forget about everything

      Now as you guys know I'm a doctor and i also do stand up comedy in my free time. That's not a very common combination. I remember sometimes before my performance the would give me introductions like "You would have seen so many doctors before in your life. But you never met a doctor like this before. For the first time ever. A doctor who says jokes" like as if im some freak show in a circus! The only thing missing is me being in a cage and a wooden sign saying "Don't feed the doctor"
      Its not like we doctors don't say jokes. Its just that the jokes are very.....dark.
Theyll be making jokes about heart attacks and you'll be scared to laugh thinking that you'll to hell if you laugh for it!
        I knew that it really got out of hand when somebody asked me "So apart from stand up comedy what do you do in your free time" and I'm like "......medicine?"

     

Origin story:-
       So my first ever stand up comedy performance was when I was in 12th grade. This was during an inter school competition. I didnt know how to come up with original material so i just did all my favourite Russel peters jokes which i remember.
I was so adorable
But I lost

       After that I returned to the comedy scene in college 3rd year in an inter college competition
I wasn't adorable anymore
And i still lost

       That's my problem. I have a severe lack of origin story. Some people will say a long sad story about how their dog died and to get over the depression they became stand up comedians. If you ask me why I became one i would be like "well i suck at singing. So I have no other option"

    I hate it when that happens when a group discuss about how they all went through depression when they were young and then they look at you expecting you to say something regarding that. And if you dont they give you this look like you are a spoit kid just because you never tried to kill yourself! Hey the only time I almost died when I was kid was when I choked on those albenliebe chocolates (we need to ban those)
I still get dreams of being chased by a big albenliebe chocolate!

Not so funny problems:-
Being a stand up we have our share of problems. The second you say your a comedian theyll be like "Oh really? I'll be the judge of that. Tell a joke"
The solution to that is that we should keep a set of insults ready like

1. "You do know whats the difference between a horse and your mum. One is a 300 pound animal.....the other is a horse" or 2."I don't need to tell a joke. You see one everyday in the mirror"
That will shut them up....at the same time you have chances of getting knocked out.

And also we got this strange way of being introduced. This good looking girl is introducing me to her friends like "Oh this is Kaushik. He's a comedy guy"
Me:"Hey!.....thats Doctor comedy guy for you!"
 
Any person who started stand up comedy always have this one question in their heads. "I am probably the most funniest guy ever.....until that 5 minutes i am on stage. After that I become funny again"
Seriously. There are those moments when you say a joke and you think this joke is going to kill it. And everyone is just staring at you back in silence. And that silence will seem to go on forever. You'll start thinking "Why am i doing this to myself? Cheh. Maybe my parents were right about me"  or "I should just stick to dancing" or
"BOO HOO HOO! MUMMY! I WANT TO GO HOME....*sniff*"
Sometimes well crack this really stupid dad joke which we saw in the back or a newspaper and everyone will start laughing and you'll be like "really?"

Understanding the audience:-
Relatability is a huge factor. You've got to adjust your jokes according to the audience. There was this one day where I was doing jokes about fifa, mourinho parking the bus and about gameboys. Nothing! Not a single sound. All the references were flying over their head just like a stormtrooper shooting. The next guy comes and makes jokes about itching and also about how underwear doesn't dry in a boys hostel and everyone is giggling. The only noise you can hear between people laughing is me banging my head on the wall

Go fly:-
Oh. If you want my advice when it comes to this. Mine is dress up properly. Go like you are going on a first date or you going to say sorry to your wife after you forgot your anniversary. Because nomatter how good the other stand up did or nomatter how much you bombed it. The photos are all going to come out the same ;-) . Theres a pic of me in like a waistcoat with a really good pose. The truth is. I was in that pose for some 5 minutes cos I had frozen and i had no clue what to say!
#mannequinchallenge

Product placement-
So after some difficult and bad open Mikes. I think I'm in a pretty good state. I've got like a few sets of jokes which actually gets a few laughs. Im also a part of this comedy group called "Comedy processing Unit" who really have been helping me out and are really good for upcoming stand up comedians. One second.....*accepting a big briefcase of cash from a random stranger*....ah thank you. Now where were we?

    So I guess I'll wrap this up by saying if you ever laughed at when you were small. Make them pay for it.....literally ;-)
#idoitforthelols