How to face a Medical Viva

Passing an exam in medicine is a pain in the ass! You've got to study a huuuge book. On top of that the bastard's will ask questions fron outside the book. Even satan will ask them to calm down!

          You know what a hard paper is called? Equality! Because once that paper comes tough all the people who have studied and all the people who havent touched the book become the same! We we all hold our hands in unity... and write bullshit on the paper!

     Another big problem is practical exams! Practical exams are my weak point (not like im any better in theory anyway). I've had some bad flashbacks with practicals (What im going to say is a true story)

  This was in second year during my pathology practicals and so we were dicussing what the specimens in the room could be. All we have to do is just point at it and tell what it is. So we all discussed that the model in the right room is a cervix and the model in the left room is a stomach. What i did was....i got confused and thought the cervix was in the left room and the stomach was in the right room. So imagine me walking and pointing at a huge stomach saying "sir that is a cervix" and the examiner was like "This is a cervix for you? Which woman will have a cervix this big?" I was thinking "Hey come on sir! She would have had a rough life! Lets not get judgemental here!" Then I went to the next room and when he gave the same reaction "Since when did cervixs look like a stomach?? What are you going to do in your future?!" Me:"Wait i dont get it. how is....oooooooooooh"

        Then we had another part in which we had to stain a slide with some chemicals and another slide you have to just view it under a microscope....... yep. You guessed it. I stained the one you have to see under the microscope. The external is looking at my slide and was like "ok...why is it blue?"  and im like "sir i stained this one by accident" The man started giving me one sad look like "Why do i end up with all the idiots?"

   Now one of biggest problems is the viva. The one on one questions with the professors. The final showdown! Dinner with the devil! Fear not anymore! With my abundant wisdom and even more abundent free time Here are the ways to take on a medical viva

1.Approach:

       Do you know what they say when you approach a wild animal like a gorilla or a crazy dog. They ask you to hide your fear on the inside and show that you are brave on the outside. Good! becaaaause when you do a viva you got to do the total opposite. Even though you studied and know everything you got to keep that aaall in and act like your scared. Like you terrified! 

     How do people get confident before going to a viva? Obviously by studying! Do we do that? Absolutely not! But somehow some boys (who i consider legends) dont know anything but will have this mad confidence. Theyll have this masterplan. Theyll learn one word. One random term and they will plan to use that for every question they ask. Any question! So the scene will mostly be like 

External:"Ok. can you tell me the various stages of cardical cycle in detail"

Legendary Student:" Sir......ulnar nerve ;)"

External *holding heart* :"Please....get out...and call an ambulance"

(This is Medical comedy! If you dont laugh for it that means you haven't studied anything!)

2. Religious tactics:

    We always do our research about which external is coming the next day. So what we can do is find out what religion he is. So we dress up accordingly. Like if hes a christian just wear a huge cross and go. If he says "Why you wearing this?" You can go "Fail me if you want but ill never remove it" and also you can say a small prayer before each question. Buuuut if you mix up the religions then you are finished. (i don't want to crack too many jokes relating this because....you know...i dont want to die)

3.Dont wear red:

Oh and never wear a red shirt to a viva because seeing that the external might get all wild and will charge at you and kill you with his horns

4.Seduction:

Now if you are a boy and if the external is either a woman (or if hes gay) you may try enticing him/her with your..er...manly charms for the extra points...chi..i mean marks. I wouldnt recommend this because the jokes on you if it actually works! You won't know what to do after that!

    Theres an incident about how a 10th standard boy and a teacher fell in love and tried to elope but got caught and killed. I believe he would have done this method to pass. He would have tried to get a few extra marks but then he got a bit overcarried and then karma would have got him in the ass (or her ass. we have no clue what theyve been upto at night)

5.Cry:

     If nothing works. Then just cry. Screw everything. Your dignity. What your crush sitting behind you is thinking. You just cry! Bawl if you have to! Roll on the floor crying! Make all the girls look like amateurs. Girls crying is something weve seen but a guy crying. Damn! That means shits hit the fan! 

Will this work? Actually i have no clue. Its worth a shot.

6. If you have it! Flaunt it!:

     This special point is only for people who have studied something. Not blank like a hangover. The professors want to see if you know some shit. Atleast anything! The aim here is do something which we have been trying to prove to our parents for years - That we are not dumb!

       It goes like this. If the external asks you "How many types of chicken are there?" (its a crappy example but i used up all the medical comedy in the last joke and also im hungry). You shouldnt say "What chicken" or "duuuuuuh?" You should go "Sir the chicken ran very fast!". He will this your retarded but in his mind hell be like " Thank the loooord! He knows atleast something!" Do that for every question and lets find out if it works :)

7. See the internal:

   The internal examiner who is the person from your college will be sitting next to the external examiner. He'll be the one accompanying the external as he comes and he'll give him snacks and maybe will rub his tummy till he fall asleep. Inother words he's the baby sitter for the external. 

     God bless these internals because one of the main things they do is they try to help you during the exams. They do it sometimes because they like you ooor (in my case) they do it because they want us to pass and leave the place so they dont have to see us again. 

   So what they do is whenever you are stuck on a question theyll start giving hints. Theyll maybe mouth the answer or theyll do some quick actions with their hands without the external seeing. So if you have studied then this will be sufficient spark you need so that you say the full answer and we all live happily ever after!

  On the other hand....if you havent studied anything it'll just look like a f*cked up version of dumbsharades. Shell be doing all elaborate hand signals and might even  do breakdance moves and youll be just staring blank! At one point

you just want to ask her "Is it a movie? Tamil or English?"

Kaushiks tips on how to study medicine

Ive covered a looot of topics. From how to live life to experiences or from showing off a lot to totally embarassing myself. For those who didnt know....I am a medical student (which is pretty obvious from the name of the blog.) So its about time i did some post relating medicine. So ladies and gentlemen i present to you..."Kaushik's tips on how to study medicine."

1.You need a crappy sense of humour:

         This is probably the only quality i pocess which may take me through medicine. I have to admit. This is a bit depressing course because wll through your life youll be surrounded by patients with blood everywhr,screamig echoing in your ears, the patients relatives crying and etc etc . Youll be studying even till an age of 30. There are plenty of scenarios of people studying for years and not getting the result you want. These are all somethings you have to face numerous times before you get your degree. Shits gonna hit the fan a looot of times. So the main thing is you need to find humour in the worse of situations. Just keep smiling and keep going forward. Find the silver lining the dark cloud. If there isnt....just get high and pretend there is one. Nomatter how much the course hits you down just rub off the scratches and reattach your severed arm and say ".....im ok. Its just a flesh wound"
    Here are a list of bad medical jokes which will definitely get you in jail but will be worth it
1. When you doing a colonoscopy for a person you should say "I know this is a bit rushed. I should have taken you to dinner first" or "This reminds me of a certain scene i saw at a petrol bunk" or "This hurts for u? man you'll never make it in prison then!"
2. During a hernia examination you can say "Aaah i can see a minute protrusion coming out......oh wait...im sorry. That isnt the hernia!"
3.(i actually did this) After examining a kedavar get a knife and write your signiture on its leg or write "made in china"
4.When you in forensics you can put your hand in the back of the kedavars head and be a ventriloquist
5.After a delivery go and say "congratulations its a boy...oh shit. your not the father? you guys look alike"
6. In forensics you can do balloon animals with the intestines
7. after putting screws into the leg during am ortho surrgery you can tell "You are officially a cyborg now. Stay away from magnets and please try not to wipe out humanity"
8.While doing an eye examination you can play "I spy" with the patient or you can talk about how beautiful the sunset is
9.Or if you are really bad at telling jokes you can just fart in the operation threatre. This is enough laughs for 20 years but it might kill the patient.
..........yap. im going to go to jail

2.6 months isnt a big deal at all:
One more crappy thing about mbbs is the fact that if you fail twice you have to miss a semester and write again after 6 months. Which does suck and our parents will act like they kicked us out of college. But if you ever ask a proper doctor he will just say "This is barely an issue! If you going to finish the course in 20 years you are now gonna finish in 20 years and 6 months. Thats all"
     People who fail will freak out saying "All my classmates are ahead of me. They going to finish 6 months earlier. Im such an idiot." Relax! Your going to catch up someway or the other. Theyll get their post graduate seat in 2 years. You might get yours in a year. Simple! Now you've caught up. If shes a girl she might get pregnancy leave and you compensate your 6 months. You cant be keeping track of everyone's progress. Youll go mad!
     It really grinds my gears when people complain that "im going mad. i don't know what to do in all this free time" Dude you can bloody do anything! Its like another summer holiday. Lose some weight or something in this time you fat fuck! Think about this - Some doctor complain that they dont have any free days off they just "free hours" off. Like one afternoon nap a week. So this just sucks! We have one side of medicos complaining they have too much free time and we have another saying i dont have any freetime!
   There are sooo many people who have studied engineering for years then went to medicine. You dont see them complaining. What's worse than not studying and finishing late? Studying and finishing late!
   warning: Your parents will not share this sentiment! After you fail atleast be depressed or grow a beard or something for sympathy. If you fail your exam and come smiling the parents will think
         a. If its a boy theyll either think hes not serious and theyll slap you till you become in serious condition or...theyll think your on drugs
     b.If a girl comes smiling too much some parents will be like "Why is she smiling so much for these past few days? OMG! She loves someone! Shes dishonoured the family name! she broke our trust! We must take action as parents....and kill them" (hahaha. i love honour killing jokes. So dark)
      As for all the parents who hide the fact that child is missing a semester this is what i say. Failing and missing a semester is something we should hide.....but people who sit and study for a year in the house for a post graduate is something you will tell eeeveryone proudly??! What injustice is this? I need an answer! Call the IMA! Call child support! someone! *crowd giving standing ovation in background*

3.See all the "SAW" movies:
     "Saw" is a horror movie in which a psychopath kills people with these weird machines. Theres a lot of blood and organs flying over and people screaming. Thats almost like how the causalty will be in a hospital. Except there wont be cool camera angles and background music and instead of a serial killer itll be just me standing there.
 Only if you get the hang of this movie you can get the hang of the blood all over the hospital. I mean imagine how pointless it is if you can study the theory part so well and then finally you realise your scared of blood! Well thatll just suck. oooh you can even discover a few medical apparatus in the cutting up scenes. See if you can spot it.

4.Shoe admiring:
      Get one thing straight. You can never make a professor happy. They hate us before we even enter the class. So whatever we do they will always catch us and shout at us. Some people feel really bad when the professor shouts. This is barely an issue. If your professor doesn't shout at you that means your never attending class.
        So the best thing to do is everytime you go to class you should think that your definitely going to get scolded by the professor today oooor you can have a bet with your friend that whoever gets caught first gets 10 bucks from the other guy.
     So if you get caught. This is what you do. When he shouting at you and degrading you and your family and blah blah. Just start looking at your shoes. Think about what brand it is and about the different types of shoes there are like that and then start imagining all your toes starting to sing or imagine....er..oh oh that shoe has a face. My point is if you think of weird shit like that then you will not be concentrating on the mean stuff hes saying to you. Youll be looking at your feet like "Wtf is happening!"           One main point is you should look at his face occasionally. Some necessary eye contact. For respect? no no. youll get neck pain if you look down too long!

5.Right to party:
     When your studying medicine. People tend to put rules on you like "Your almost a doctor shouldnt be wearig shirts like this" or "you can't go to that sex movie in theatre" or "stop putting statuses about body parts" but when it comes to mad stuff like drinking or smoking nobody says anything. Im serious! Theyll be like "ya. Hes studying medicine. He must be really stressed. Thats why he has to drink. Poor dude!Poor dude!" and ill be like "Awesome! and wait...We are stressed? really? Since when?"

6.Cocaine:
Ok...next point...

7.Learn the titles:
   When your in hostel everyones parents tend to call in the night they always see how you are doing. Girls parents want to see if shes happy and ok. Boys parents want to know if he's done something stupid or whether he is within the state boundaries.         The common question parents always ask is about what they learnt today. Now if you start stuttering and blank out or scream and cut the phone they will tend to think that you didnt go to class. Heres what to do incases like this.
       Take a paper and write aaall the headings from the book and keep in your purse. So whenever your parents call you just take that paper and tell all the headings boldly and with a good dose of fake enthusism so your parents will believe that their small little munchkin is finally going to be a doctor. aaaaw!
   But if your parents are doctors then you have a big problem. But fear not. Kaushik has a solution to that problem. When your parents call......take the full damn book and open it and take a chapter and read the heading and if they ask more questions juuust read it out from the book! Voila! (by the way if you "refer diagram 2.3 in the flow then your fucked) and Dad.... if you are reading this.......i saw my friend do this and thats how i know. I have nothing to do with this. So please dont kill the messenger.

8.Get a cool ringtone:
  When you interning you can't afford to keep your phone in silent. Theyll call you in the worst moments possible if they call you for night duty or rounds. If you feel like falling asleep or if you feel like bringing that hot girl over to your house.....then the phone call will come.
        So your phone ringing is gonna be heard a lot in public so you need a cool ringtone to people around you will be like " aaaw shits gonna go down". My recomendations will be "Move bitch get out of the way" or "Hit me baby one more time" or even better .."the saw theme song"

9.Dont touch yourself in theatre:
   In an operation weve got to wear that operation theatre dress and soon in majority of the movies .You would have seen this in scenes in which they take the alien for examination......and then the alien goes mad and kills everyone. (They must have used some crappy anaesthesia)
     In this  case you need to become sterile so you have to wash your hands properly,wear another gown and you must not touch anything except the patient. Infact you can't even touch your face.
    It is that point that God has a bad sense of humour and decides to give us a temporary psoriasis! Suddenly all the small irritating itches will appear on your body.
     You put all that sterile gowns and gloves and that point all you just want to do is scratch your face,something is in your eye, your hair is caught in the wrong, your full body starts itching like a bitch.
     If you touch yourself the patient might get infected but at that point youll be "I cant take it!! Let this bastard die! Need to scratch my ass! Oooooh!" If you touch yourself the chief will go mad and cut both your hands without even getting you infected. Hes a surgeon! Trust me he can do that!

10.Black jeans:
   Doctors are very specific that you dont wear jeans. So for that you can wear black coloured jeans. From a far view it looks like some black cotton or cardride pants. The only way you can totally distinguish is by feeling it. So im pretty sure if the professor starts feeling you on the thigh you can call the police!
       

Beware the school friend!

Friendship! Friends are naturally an important part of our lives. We all know the value of it and this is something everybody knows. Friends are usually divided into the 1. school friends,   2.college friends and the 3. co workers. Noone gives a shit about coworkers and their goddamn office humour! Generally out of all these the college friends are glorified the most. Because this was the time when you were just free out of school and they be with you till you grow into the grown up you are. This is a common and true sentiment. We have parents all over saying about how "college friends are people who you can never forget in your lives" true. its true. ans they will always be one the most important people of our lives. But one of the unsung heroes among friends has to be the school friend.
           Whenever you see a friend after a longtime. You get a surge of all the memories between you two. So if you meet a college friend you get cool memories like
  when you guys drank together and broke your friends bike, when you had brawls with the other gang, the old affairs with girls. Its aall cool. So cool. Raaad! You were the man! The cool dude! All grownups want their kids to ask about their college. Theyll talk about the fun they had. If we tell our crazy college stories theyll be like "hmph! amateurs! They blew a hole in a wall in college? In my time we would broke down the whole room and convinced people it didnt exist" buuut if your parents dont tell anything about their college life and say "Na. I didn't do anything. I just studied" then you got to be suspicious. That means your dad (or mum) has done some craaaazy shit in their time.
       But when you see your school the memories wont be something you want to show off to a girl. You'll remember dumb shit like how you used to get caught always in cops and robbers or about how in hide and seek he tried hiding under a car and got stuck! Me; "dude the game is over! come out!".... friend :"Im stuck! start the next game! Count to 1000. Ill get out by then" (5minutes later) Me:" you still didn't get out?" friend :" i bet you didnt count to 1000!! You liar! and i cant breath!"
     Haha. Don't you just remember when they ask you to count when your the catcher in hide and seek and they ask you to count to a 1000 and you turn around like your counting but youll singing 2 verses of your favourite song and then shout READY OR NOT HERE I COME!
     Once i played hide and seek in college (wait...i can explain. either we were really bored or we were really high. but in this situation were we actually bored) and in some places they have a rule that once you see someone the catcher has to run and touch a pole and the other person has to tackle him down. Everybody knew that.....but me. Wtf rule is that?! This is how they play hide and seek in prison! So you already picture the scene. Im standing shouting "Hey i can see you hiding behind the car! First eyes pra....AAAAARGH!!!! *CRASH*"
       The pro about your school friends is you have wacky cute weird memories. Some stuff you cant believe you did. Due to your insane amount of energy and total absence of self conscious. But once you grow up it kinda changes. The energy goes down and the self consciousness increases.
    On the con side since they remember you only as a dumb small kid. YOU CAN NEVER LOOK COOL TO A CLOSE SCHOOL FRIEND. Whenever you see a picture of a school friend in fb. No matter how jacked he looks or whatever concert hes in youll be like "chi? This fool?!" or if he has a pic of him surrounded by girls youll be like "Definately graphics"
     Do you know how we dread our school friends commenting on our facebook status. Once we see the notification we are just dreading the worst! Itll always be something mean. If a school friend something nice like "you look cool man. rock on!" thatll mean
    1.hes not that close a friend or
    2. he likes your sister
When it comes to seeing a old schoolmate who is a girl a common reaction is "holy shit! You became hot! How did this happen? cheh. I should have talked to you more at school!" but if you guys meet after too long a gap itll be more like "Your getting married?! wait a min! When did u start talking to boys?!"
       Its not that our school friends like us any less. They have a crappy sense of humour. I bet celebrities have the same problem. They still getting teased by their friends. Leonardo di caprios best friend would have told him after he won the oscar "meh. fluke! This guys worse than Steve Harvey" but sure he would feel proud. Or mark Ruffalos friend after seeing him become hulk "You becoming huge and green? You looked the same during 5th grade when you ate all that spinach after seeing too much popeye!
        The interesting part then was we have so many memories in the afternoon. Doing all the dumb stuff in the sun. For me the thought of not sleeping in the afternoon is just scary. Yikes!
       Another is physical appearances. If a person is fat when he was kid he is fat is full life. They dont care! Even if you win a bodybuilding competition your friends will still call you fatty! Same case with me. I was a bit chubby when small. Now ive lost weight. Yet im still called fatty! And im probably one or the thinnest of my friends! This happens to such a way that if one of your female friends sees a school friend and says "wow hes hot!"... youll say " who? that fatso over there? How high are you woman?"
   Ive done my share of dumbshit like
1.making a clubhouse out of bricks so we can sit to play wrestling cards
2.made 2 terrible short movies which is on YouTube
3. cycle raseson on ramps which we made out of a construction site.
4. played rugby with a football. though we didnt knw how to play. Which resulted us to do all the wrestling moves we know
5.playing wrestling but well be our favourite wrestlers and well do their theme music. best part is we didn't have phones or music so we sing te entrance while walking
6.playing obstacle course in the park
7. teasing girls a lot
8.when we stay over and play video games. no thoughts of anyform of getting drunk or high
i can go ooon and on but the nostalgia ias hitting me waaay to hard. i nees to sit down!
       Hehe. True to my word im dreading my school friends reading this. Like i said. Its not like that they like me any less or i don't like them. We just have crappy sense of humour but we still miss eachother.
   

"meh"rriage debates!

wow. That last post sure was provacative. something bound to make people want to slap me. Well this sure is fun. who doesnt love a bit of controversy.
       Now here in India the moooost famous debate of them all is the love marriage arranged marriage debate. Its everywhere. its the most famous of them all. Everywhere girls ask each other that question. This is a really common debate competition topic all over (usually in these cases the guys will be noticing the girls who support love marriage)
       So personally i feel i should voice my views to this. I support love marriage. and you aaaall know the reasons. "better being with someone who you know, how can you marry a stranger, love is beautiful, go thundercats!" same shit everyone say. and naturally ill be repeating it. Trust me you dont want to be hearing that again.
     Then again i thought to myself why do people get attracted to arranged marriage? Again this is from a males point of view. aI cant say a girls point of view because 1.only a girl can say that properly and 2. im scared of feminists.
    What many people dont know is finding a life partner or a soul mate is bloody hard. For the universe to make all cogs work for the 2 of them to meet up and then the fights and then the moment of love to bloom. Yes it is beautiful and worth it but it is pretty tiring. Dont believe me? The show "how i met your mother" that kind of proves my point.
     There are many successful billionaires who are still not satisfied with their life because they havent found a person to love. The parents will feel bad and will do their best. Theyll try introducing the son to girls and hope that works out. They cant like get a girl and force her to marry him. i mean noone is that dumb right? hahaha.....oh
        *Informercial background music* it is in these moments that we bring to you the arranged marriage!!
    Lets just say that the guy has a successful business or a good inheritance. Some cases they give the details to the matrimony websites. Oh as for people who dont know what a matrimony website it. Its like a dating website but you dont have to do anything. Your parents do all the work. Cool na? So for a boy theyll put absolute lies about him. No no its not that the parents are lying. Its that they dont know fully about the boy. Come on. We guy have some 100 secrets. Can you imagine the disaster if they put the proper details of me in a dating website! This isnt much a problem because they mostly check the job, relegion and caste and then whether he smokes and drinks which will obviously be altered. (Do you really think a father will say "you should see my son do a bottoms up with a beer! wow! he makes me look like an amateur!")
        So after that they get offers from various other families sending pictures of their daughters. Here comes the best part. The sons parents will start seeing how the girl looks. " Shes not that fair. her nose is a bit big isnt it? Shes looks good but a bit on the chubby side". Theyll be so specific on how the girl looks. I mean come on! your son doesnt exactly look like DiCaprio. Thank god they are not specific with how guys look. Otherwise mankind will be screeewed. Theres also an interesting thing about how they are very specific that the girl is specifically fair in skin tone. they wont be too specific about the others they mostly check that and if the girl is a bit dark the offers for her will go down. Theres another name for that - Rascism! The best part is they barely see looks in guys. When they look at guys theyll be like "hmmm. got a bit of hair. i think itll make it till the wedding. hes a bit fat but a few loose shirts will work. yaaa..good enough for me!"
        Now gents we will be given limited access to meet with her. Maybe a few meets here and there like some formal buisness meetings. The only problem is after the marriage next day morning will be the first time youll be seeing her without makeup. Itll be like "Wow. last night was amaz...SWEET BABY JESUS! WHO ARE YOU?!.....oooh...hi honey. hehe. just a joke" (hahaha..make up jokes. they never get old)
       Now the one part about how they spend their entired married life happily together i have no clue. Love marriage i get how they are so happy but i dont know about arranged marriage. I believe its a daily intake of morphine or something. Thatll just bring the smile between the ears!
      Apparantly i heard girls have a lot of pressure regarding arranged marriages. and again i cant comment on that because i wont know about it properly. For guys its just singing "I got a hot wife without tryyyying! i got a hot wife without tryyying"
        Some people will say that "I love my parents. that why i cant fall in love" with anyone".......wait what?? So as if the people who have had love marriage all these years have hated their parents and always wanted to kill them. Thats ridiculous.
     We shouldn't blame the parents. Its just that they have this concern for the kids. They scared that they might get hurt from love and all that and so they just want their child to be safe. and that concern just kind off goes crazy. The parents have the rights to check the bride or grooms background and to see if their child will be happy with that person. This got a bit mistranslated all these years and now some now have the idea that love is bad. I mean love is an emotion. Some parents will be like "how can you do this to us? how can you do this to your family?" Come on! Its not like he killed someone! Your making it sound like he kidnapped the full family or something like the jigsaw killer from saw
      So all of you who take things in the wrong sense. Let me explain that i am the person who would go for a love marriage instead of an arranged marriage. I mean come on its better to jump into a well than your full family to push you into the well