Ive covered a looot of topics. From how to live life to experiences or from showing off a lot to totally embarassing myself. For those who didnt know....I am a medical student (which is pretty obvious from the name of the blog.) So its about time i did some post relating medicine. So ladies and gentlemen i present to you..."Kaushik's tips on how to study medicine."
1.You need a crappy sense of humour:
This is probably the only quality i pocess which may take me through medicine. I have to admit. This is a bit depressing course because wll through your life youll be surrounded by patients with blood everywhr,screamig echoing in your ears, the patients relatives crying and etc etc . Youll be studying even till an age of 30. There are plenty of scenarios of people studying for years and not getting the result you want. These are all somethings you have to face numerous times before you get your degree. Shits gonna hit the fan a looot of times. So the main thing is you need to find humour in the worse of situations. Just keep smiling and keep going forward. Find the silver lining the dark cloud. If there isnt....just get high and pretend there is one. Nomatter how much the course hits you down just rub off the scratches and reattach your severed arm and say ".....im ok. Its just a flesh wound"
Here are a list of bad medical jokes which will definitely get you in jail but will be worth it
1. When you doing a colonoscopy for a person you should say "I know this is a bit rushed. I should have taken you to dinner first" or "This reminds me of a certain scene i saw at a petrol bunk" or "This hurts for u? man you'll never make it in prison then!"
2. During a hernia examination you can say "Aaah i can see a minute protrusion coming out......oh wait...im sorry. That isnt the hernia!"
3.(i actually did this) After examining a kedavar get a knife and write your signiture on its leg or write "made in china"
4.When you in forensics you can put your hand in the back of the kedavars head and be a ventriloquist
5.After a delivery go and say "congratulations its a boy...oh shit. your not the father? you guys look alike"
6. In forensics you can do balloon animals with the intestines
7. after putting screws into the leg during am ortho surrgery you can tell "You are officially a cyborg now. Stay away from magnets and please try not to wipe out humanity"
8.While doing an eye examination you can play "I spy" with the patient or you can talk about how beautiful the sunset is
9.Or if you are really bad at telling jokes you can just fart in the operation threatre. This is enough laughs for 20 years but it might kill the patient.
..........yap. im going to go to jail
2.6 months isnt a big deal at all:
One more crappy thing about mbbs is the fact that if you fail twice you have to miss a semester and write again after 6 months. Which does suck and our parents will act like they kicked us out of college. But if you ever ask a proper doctor he will just say "This is barely an issue! If you going to finish the course in 20 years you are now gonna finish in 20 years and 6 months. Thats all"
People who fail will freak out saying "All my classmates are ahead of me. They going to finish 6 months earlier. Im such an idiot." Relax! Your going to catch up someway or the other. Theyll get their post graduate seat in 2 years. You might get yours in a year. Simple! Now you've caught up. If shes a girl she might get pregnancy leave and you compensate your 6 months. You cant be keeping track of everyone's progress. Youll go mad!
It really grinds my gears when people complain that "im going mad. i don't know what to do in all this free time" Dude you can bloody do anything! Its like another summer holiday. Lose some weight or something in this time you fat fuck! Think about this - Some doctor complain that they dont have any free days off they just "free hours" off. Like one afternoon nap a week. So this just sucks! We have one side of medicos complaining they have too much free time and we have another saying i dont have any freetime!
There are sooo many people who have studied engineering for years then went to medicine. You dont see them complaining. What's worse than not studying and finishing late? Studying and finishing late!
warning: Your parents will not share this sentiment! After you fail atleast be depressed or grow a beard or something for sympathy. If you fail your exam and come smiling the parents will think
a. If its a boy theyll either think hes not serious and theyll slap you till you become in serious condition or...theyll think your on drugs
b.If a girl comes smiling too much some parents will be like "Why is she smiling so much for these past few days? OMG! She loves someone! Shes dishonoured the family name! she broke our trust! We must take action as parents....and kill them" (hahaha. i love honour killing jokes. So dark)
As for all the parents who hide the fact that child is missing a semester this is what i say. Failing and missing a semester is something we should hide.....but people who sit and study for a year in the house for a post graduate is something you will tell eeeveryone proudly??! What injustice is this? I need an answer! Call the IMA! Call child support! someone! *crowd giving standing ovation in background*
3.See all the "SAW" movies:
"Saw" is a horror movie in which a psychopath kills people with these weird machines. Theres a lot of blood and organs flying over and people screaming. Thats almost like how the causalty will be in a hospital. Except there wont be cool camera angles and background music and instead of a serial killer itll be just me standing there.
Only if you get the hang of this movie you can get the hang of the blood all over the hospital. I mean imagine how pointless it is if you can study the theory part so well and then finally you realise your scared of blood! Well thatll just suck. oooh you can even discover a few medical apparatus in the cutting up scenes. See if you can spot it.
4.Shoe admiring:
Get one thing straight. You can never make a professor happy. They hate us before we even enter the class. So whatever we do they will always catch us and shout at us. Some people feel really bad when the professor shouts. This is barely an issue. If your professor doesn't shout at you that means your never attending class.
So the best thing to do is everytime you go to class you should think that your definitely going to get scolded by the professor today oooor you can have a bet with your friend that whoever gets caught first gets 10 bucks from the other guy.
So if you get caught. This is what you do. When he shouting at you and degrading you and your family and blah blah. Just start looking at your shoes. Think about what brand it is and about the different types of shoes there are like that and then start imagining all your toes starting to sing or imagine....er..oh oh that shoe has a face. My point is if you think of weird shit like that then you will not be concentrating on the mean stuff hes saying to you. Youll be looking at your feet like "Wtf is happening!" One main point is you should look at his face occasionally. Some necessary eye contact. For respect? no no. youll get neck pain if you look down too long!
5.Right to party:
When your studying medicine. People tend to put rules on you like "Your almost a doctor shouldnt be wearig shirts like this" or "you can't go to that sex movie in theatre" or "stop putting statuses about body parts" but when it comes to mad stuff like drinking or smoking nobody says anything. Im serious! Theyll be like "ya. Hes studying medicine. He must be really stressed. Thats why he has to drink. Poor dude!Poor dude!" and ill be like "Awesome! and wait...We are stressed? really? Since when?"
6.Cocaine:
Ok...next point...
7.Learn the titles:
When your in hostel everyones parents tend to call in the night they always see how you are doing. Girls parents want to see if shes happy and ok. Boys parents want to know if he's done something stupid or whether he is within the state boundaries. The common question parents always ask is about what they learnt today. Now if you start stuttering and blank out or scream and cut the phone they will tend to think that you didnt go to class. Heres what to do incases like this.
Take a paper and write aaall the headings from the book and keep in your purse. So whenever your parents call you just take that paper and tell all the headings boldly and with a good dose of fake enthusism so your parents will believe that their small little munchkin is finally going to be a doctor. aaaaw!
But if your parents are doctors then you have a big problem. But fear not. Kaushik has a solution to that problem. When your parents call......take the full damn book and open it and take a chapter and read the heading and if they ask more questions juuust read it out from the book! Voila! (by the way if you "refer diagram 2.3 in the flow then your fucked) and Dad.... if you are reading this.......i saw my friend do this and thats how i know. I have nothing to do with this. So please dont kill the messenger.
8.Get a cool ringtone:
When you interning you can't afford to keep your phone in silent. Theyll call you in the worst moments possible if they call you for night duty or rounds. If you feel like falling asleep or if you feel like bringing that hot girl over to your house.....then the phone call will come.
So your phone ringing is gonna be heard a lot in public so you need a cool ringtone to people around you will be like " aaaw shits gonna go down". My recomendations will be "Move bitch get out of the way" or "Hit me baby one more time" or even better .."the saw theme song"
9.Dont touch yourself in theatre:
In an operation weve got to wear that operation theatre dress and soon in majority of the movies .You would have seen this in scenes in which they take the alien for examination......and then the alien goes mad and kills everyone. (They must have used some crappy anaesthesia)
In this case you need to become sterile so you have to wash your hands properly,wear another gown and you must not touch anything except the patient. Infact you can't even touch your face.
It is that point that God has a bad sense of humour and decides to give us a temporary psoriasis! Suddenly all the small irritating itches will appear on your body.
You put all that sterile gowns and gloves and that point all you just want to do is scratch your face,something is in your eye, your hair is caught in the wrong, your full body starts itching like a bitch.
If you touch yourself the patient might get infected but at that point youll be "I cant take it!! Let this bastard die! Need to scratch my ass! Oooooh!" If you touch yourself the chief will go mad and cut both your hands without even getting you infected. Hes a surgeon! Trust me he can do that!
10.Black jeans:
Doctors are very specific that you dont wear jeans. So for that you can wear black coloured jeans. From a far view it looks like some black cotton or cardride pants. The only way you can totally distinguish is by feeling it. So im pretty sure if the professor starts feeling you on the thigh you can call the police!
Here are a list of bad medical jokes which will definitely get you in jail but will be worth it
1. When you doing a colonoscopy for a person you should say "I know this is a bit rushed. I should have taken you to dinner first" or "This reminds me of a certain scene i saw at a petrol bunk" or "This hurts for u? man you'll never make it in prison then!"
2. During a hernia examination you can say "Aaah i can see a minute protrusion coming out......oh wait...im sorry. That isnt the hernia!"
3.(i actually did this) After examining a kedavar get a knife and write your signiture on its leg or write "made in china"
4.When you in forensics you can put your hand in the back of the kedavars head and be a ventriloquist
5.After a delivery go and say "congratulations its a boy...oh shit. your not the father? you guys look alike"
6. In forensics you can do balloon animals with the intestines
7. after putting screws into the leg during am ortho surrgery you can tell "You are officially a cyborg now. Stay away from magnets and please try not to wipe out humanity"
8.While doing an eye examination you can play "I spy" with the patient or you can talk about how beautiful the sunset is
9.Or if you are really bad at telling jokes you can just fart in the operation threatre. This is enough laughs for 20 years but it might kill the patient.
..........yap. im going to go to jail
2.6 months isnt a big deal at all:
One more crappy thing about mbbs is the fact that if you fail twice you have to miss a semester and write again after 6 months. Which does suck and our parents will act like they kicked us out of college. But if you ever ask a proper doctor he will just say "This is barely an issue! If you going to finish the course in 20 years you are now gonna finish in 20 years and 6 months. Thats all"
People who fail will freak out saying "All my classmates are ahead of me. They going to finish 6 months earlier. Im such an idiot." Relax! Your going to catch up someway or the other. Theyll get their post graduate seat in 2 years. You might get yours in a year. Simple! Now you've caught up. If shes a girl she might get pregnancy leave and you compensate your 6 months. You cant be keeping track of everyone's progress. Youll go mad!
It really grinds my gears when people complain that "im going mad. i don't know what to do in all this free time" Dude you can bloody do anything! Its like another summer holiday. Lose some weight or something in this time you fat fuck! Think about this - Some doctor complain that they dont have any free days off they just "free hours" off. Like one afternoon nap a week. So this just sucks! We have one side of medicos complaining they have too much free time and we have another saying i dont have any freetime!
There are sooo many people who have studied engineering for years then went to medicine. You dont see them complaining. What's worse than not studying and finishing late? Studying and finishing late!
warning: Your parents will not share this sentiment! After you fail atleast be depressed or grow a beard or something for sympathy. If you fail your exam and come smiling the parents will think
a. If its a boy theyll either think hes not serious and theyll slap you till you become in serious condition or...theyll think your on drugs
b.If a girl comes smiling too much some parents will be like "Why is she smiling so much for these past few days? OMG! She loves someone! Shes dishonoured the family name! she broke our trust! We must take action as parents....and kill them" (hahaha. i love honour killing jokes. So dark)
As for all the parents who hide the fact that child is missing a semester this is what i say. Failing and missing a semester is something we should hide.....but people who sit and study for a year in the house for a post graduate is something you will tell eeeveryone proudly??! What injustice is this? I need an answer! Call the IMA! Call child support! someone! *crowd giving standing ovation in background*
3.See all the "SAW" movies:
"Saw" is a horror movie in which a psychopath kills people with these weird machines. Theres a lot of blood and organs flying over and people screaming. Thats almost like how the causalty will be in a hospital. Except there wont be cool camera angles and background music and instead of a serial killer itll be just me standing there.
Only if you get the hang of this movie you can get the hang of the blood all over the hospital. I mean imagine how pointless it is if you can study the theory part so well and then finally you realise your scared of blood! Well thatll just suck. oooh you can even discover a few medical apparatus in the cutting up scenes. See if you can spot it.
4.Shoe admiring:
Get one thing straight. You can never make a professor happy. They hate us before we even enter the class. So whatever we do they will always catch us and shout at us. Some people feel really bad when the professor shouts. This is barely an issue. If your professor doesn't shout at you that means your never attending class.
So the best thing to do is everytime you go to class you should think that your definitely going to get scolded by the professor today oooor you can have a bet with your friend that whoever gets caught first gets 10 bucks from the other guy.
So if you get caught. This is what you do. When he shouting at you and degrading you and your family and blah blah. Just start looking at your shoes. Think about what brand it is and about the different types of shoes there are like that and then start imagining all your toes starting to sing or imagine....er..oh oh that shoe has a face. My point is if you think of weird shit like that then you will not be concentrating on the mean stuff hes saying to you. Youll be looking at your feet like "Wtf is happening!" One main point is you should look at his face occasionally. Some necessary eye contact. For respect? no no. youll get neck pain if you look down too long!
5.Right to party:
When your studying medicine. People tend to put rules on you like "Your almost a doctor shouldnt be wearig shirts like this" or "you can't go to that sex movie in theatre" or "stop putting statuses about body parts" but when it comes to mad stuff like drinking or smoking nobody says anything. Im serious! Theyll be like "ya. Hes studying medicine. He must be really stressed. Thats why he has to drink. Poor dude!Poor dude!" and ill be like "Awesome! and wait...We are stressed? really? Since when?"
6.Cocaine:
Ok...next point...
7.Learn the titles:
When your in hostel everyones parents tend to call in the night they always see how you are doing. Girls parents want to see if shes happy and ok. Boys parents want to know if he's done something stupid or whether he is within the state boundaries. The common question parents always ask is about what they learnt today. Now if you start stuttering and blank out or scream and cut the phone they will tend to think that you didnt go to class. Heres what to do incases like this.
Take a paper and write aaall the headings from the book and keep in your purse. So whenever your parents call you just take that paper and tell all the headings boldly and with a good dose of fake enthusism so your parents will believe that their small little munchkin is finally going to be a doctor. aaaaw!
But if your parents are doctors then you have a big problem. But fear not. Kaushik has a solution to that problem. When your parents call......take the full damn book and open it and take a chapter and read the heading and if they ask more questions juuust read it out from the book! Voila! (by the way if you "refer diagram 2.3 in the flow then your fucked) and Dad.... if you are reading this.......i saw my friend do this and thats how i know. I have nothing to do with this. So please dont kill the messenger.
8.Get a cool ringtone:
When you interning you can't afford to keep your phone in silent. Theyll call you in the worst moments possible if they call you for night duty or rounds. If you feel like falling asleep or if you feel like bringing that hot girl over to your house.....then the phone call will come.
So your phone ringing is gonna be heard a lot in public so you need a cool ringtone to people around you will be like " aaaw shits gonna go down". My recomendations will be "Move bitch get out of the way" or "Hit me baby one more time" or even better .."the saw theme song"
9.Dont touch yourself in theatre:
In an operation weve got to wear that operation theatre dress and soon in majority of the movies .You would have seen this in scenes in which they take the alien for examination......and then the alien goes mad and kills everyone. (They must have used some crappy anaesthesia)
In this case you need to become sterile so you have to wash your hands properly,wear another gown and you must not touch anything except the patient. Infact you can't even touch your face.
It is that point that God has a bad sense of humour and decides to give us a temporary psoriasis! Suddenly all the small irritating itches will appear on your body.
You put all that sterile gowns and gloves and that point all you just want to do is scratch your face,something is in your eye, your hair is caught in the wrong, your full body starts itching like a bitch.
If you touch yourself the patient might get infected but at that point youll be "I cant take it!! Let this bastard die! Need to scratch my ass! Oooooh!" If you touch yourself the chief will go mad and cut both your hands without even getting you infected. Hes a surgeon! Trust me he can do that!
10.Black jeans:
Doctors are very specific that you dont wear jeans. So for that you can wear black coloured jeans. From a far view it looks like some black cotton or cardride pants. The only way you can totally distinguish is by feeling it. So im pretty sure if the professor starts feeling you on the thigh you can call the police!
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