Rumour has it......

This is a kind of college and life related topic (yawn!) and this is something i feel i should tell everyone. Because i have repeated this too a lot of people

Now one of the biggest enemies which we face in college life which is even worse than abstinence and attendance is....rumours, gossip, chit chat etc etc. Spreading bad news about the person without the person knowing.
          Now there are 2 types of Rumours namely
          1.Lies
    and 2. Exaggeration
Either people make up a total lie about a person either because they hate the person (Remember how Brad pitt spread a rumour that Rachel was a hermaphrode in Friends) or just for the lolz. You know.... To make the day more fun
   Some cases they'll be acting like private detectives on cocaine. Add a few unrelated clues and come with a total pointless diagnosis. Like...."They both are wearing the same colour tops, they talked to eachother for *checking stopwatch* for 6.9 seconds. Aha! They had sex! Makes no sense right? Welcome to the world! Saying that 2 people had sex is everyones favourite depressing conclusion.
    One scenario is when the person tells a secret to a friend and tells not to tell anyone. We aaall know what happens after thaaaat......
          What's the magic (or black magic) of rumours are...you cant escape from it. Nomatter however you are they will spread something bad about you. For sure! If you do something they say that you're crazy and if you dont do anything theyll say you are boring. Some girls actually don't want to go out or talk to guys on the fear that the public will spread something bad about them. Soooo I dont get it. If everyone starts spreading a rumour that the girl is boring will she put a deadpool mask and start doing cartwheels in the middle of the road?!
       Actually I dont blame the girls because for all the foreign readers who don't know (incase there are any) there is a retarded practice in India in which before a girl gets married some random relative from the groom side calls one of her classmates and they "investigate" about her. They ask "What kind of girl is she?"
      If shes your friend I'm sure you'll want to make her sound like the coolest girl on earth. "Ya!! She damn fun! Shes so good at sports! She the life of the full group! Whenever all of us go out she makes it so awesome..." No No No No! Do not do that! Big mistake!
     What you have to do is...describe her like shes a cardboard box. No! You shouldn't say "Shes fun to get into occasionally!". I mean you should describe her as boooring as possible. You know "Oh ya. Her... She doesnt talk much. Doesnt talk at all to boys. She doesnt go out at all. Raarely when she has to she goes out (like when the box flies out of the window). Just goes to college and back. Ya shes a good girl". This is what we call as Homely! I honestly dont even know if theres a word like that in the dictionary!

Oh and if you're a boy. First you've got to give an act like you don't know her "Who? Dhivya? My class? Hmmm...yaaa. Now i remember. I thiiink ive eeen her once or twice in these few years.". You shouldn't say "Obviously i know her! Shes sitting next to me right now! Want to talk to her?
     Sooo let me get this right....You are going to judge a person based on the lies and exadurations spread by people who don't know her?! What the hell?! I thought I was dumb but this is a whole new level
      If someone comes to me and says "Ya. The girl you are going to marry doesnt go out much. Doesnt talk to anyone..." My first reaction would be "Why? What happened to her? Is she paralysed? Or in a coma?"
     Guys for us its not a problem. People will be like "I heard about him - His dad owns a company, he goes a lot,cuts class and he stays in the ground half the time". Girls relative will be like : ..............."Dad owns a company did u say?"  Oh and also they inquire whether you drink or smoke and obviously we going to lie about that.
          Now you can say "Kaushik! Chiiiiiill. This is just a phase in college. No big deal" Actually no! They still spread rumours after they group. Except the gossip will be boring as f*ck! Stuff like..."I heard that he bought this much land but only sold this much share...." At that point I just wish that one of my relatives will get into an affair so that the news gets more interesting.
      The reason i felt that i have to share this is....people when they join college come not knowing about this and they hear this runour about themselves and they get hurt and confused. Some will do something even more dumb that is go and ask the person "Did you spread this rumour about me? I heard a rumour that you spread this rumour about me! Did you?!" And thats how a gang fight starts! Dude! Thats such a waste of time! Obviously hes going to lie! Go for a movie or something instead of wasting your time doing this.
      You knows what's even worse than that. atleast the guys go and confront them. What some girls do is.....they hear that they spread a news and so they abruptly stop talking to her and give her the looks. The other girl will see that and think "Why isnt she talking to me and looking at me like that? Why should i talk first? Im not talking too!"  and they wont talk for some 6 years and maaaybe before her marriage theyll start talking. So atleast that was a waste of time....this is a waste of years!
       People will finally realise that they can life not giving a regard of what people say! When? Some 2 days before graduation when it's too late. So its best we realise it sooner. Its fun when you think about it. People spending their evening talking about us. It means our life is more interesting than theirs. Cool na?
    Just think gossip is like Donald trumps presidential reign - We all hate it but we just got to hold our noses and live our lifes not giving a shit about it!

Second year!.....with a vengeance

One of the confusing parts about second year is that its 1 and a half years. Ya.... Try explaining that to your non medical friends.
        Now that we have finished first year. You know what this means.....yep. They become the one rank they have been trying to attain for a year - SENIOR!
 
GROWING UP......attempts:-
  You should see people during the first day of second year. (If they pass) Guys will be having a sad attempt of a new moustache. Girls will be having new hairstyles. Theyll be a new (and pretty retarded) swag in the walk. Just waaaiting for a junior to come and rag them. Show them who's boss. Act like a person taking a population check for sensex. Call them..ask them their name, Where they are from, etc etc. They even ask in the same way as a survey. Next thing you know theyll ask "How many members in their family, Do they take enough protein in a day" and then maybe give them an aadhar card (Damn ragging is funny. Im definately going to do an article on that)
       The ironic part is.. You don't rag people much in second year. Thats when you get ragged. Simple logic...you cant rag first years? Chill! Lets rag him next year! Lets feed the pig for a year then slaughter it!
           Second year may also be known as the "Dawn of cholesterol" because from second year everyone start becoming fat. Im serious. So if you are a first year reading this then i suggest you to take as much mirror selfies before you blow up. Why would i say something like this? Its because everyone gets their first vehicle. Every girl gets their scooter and boys get their bikes. And everyones gets hyped and start taking rounds around college....then another round around college...again.. again... and again like some low budget biker gang. At one point it just makes u wonder whether they are lost at a point.
      So its in that point wen we say R.I.P to walking. Its a common thing after a few years we see out first year photos and think friend 1: " *sniff....cheh. look at me. i actually have a head full of hair and my pants actually fit".
Friend 2: " So shall we go jogging?
Friend 3: " Naaa. How about tomorow...or next year. So lets get dinner!.
    Its a slow and sad change of guys saying "I want to try this new hairstyle" to "I hope i have enough hair for my marriage" and final stage is..."Give me that wig! Shut up and take my money"

The Dating Game-
         Well as for the couples scene. Its an improvement for the guys because the juniors have come and so that increases our attacking field. So after we fail miserably with our class girls we can try with the junior and if we screw that up (again) then we try next year.
    We are like the Chelsea football team. Everytime we mess up we just say "Dont worry! Next year is there! Next year is our year! Glory! Glory! Glory!"
       The dating game in college is divided into
1.Flirting with your classmates - This is like a mixed martial arts fight. You have someone who is same level as you and each have equal level on the field and that can result in equal pain inflicted on eachother
2.Flirting with a junior - Its like invading a foreign land. You wont get much resistance from them....but they can still declare independance from you
3.Flirting with bds girls:- This is like a top level secret agent mission. Noone knows where you're going and you wont tell anyone of the mission. And this is dangerous with a high mortality rate and chances you wont make it out alive.
          But gents. Heres a word from then wise.....If you like a girl from your class. You strike as soon as possible. Because girls mentally change quickly. First year theyll be with looking at class boys, second year they'll realise that their class guys are hopeless and see the seniors, third year theyll lose hope in men totally and may even consider women...and by the time they final year or intern theyll be booked to get married. So dont jump too much in joy in you get her number in final year. The only time both your names will be on the same marriage envelope is shen she writes your name on the envelope to invite you.

Nocturnal Lifestyles:-
You guys seen in the flash tv series how Barry messes up the timeline? (For the...er.. majority who haven't seen. It gets messed up bad) Just like that second year messes up your sleep cycle. The postings in the morning start pretty late.....if we go. So we all become like nightwing.... you guys dont know nightwing? Robin becomes into nightwing...who fights crime at night. Fine! Like Batman! (Everyone knows batman) We become nocturnal! We sleep or not go to posting during the day and we fight sanity in the night. A new messed up medical superhero.
Also the postings arent any exam subjects so the good news is...the lack of attendance doesn't screw up yr final exam. The bad news is you've got to go directly to the Head of department to get a completion scene. So he will disgrace you and your full family......and your dog ......and then your goldfish and the shirt you wearing.....and then he will sign it.
He needs people like us. We are his stress ball. If he had a fight with his wife or if there was heavy traffic or if there wasn't enough salt in his lunch.... He'll let out aaaall the frustration on you. So the head of department will say classic dialogues like
1. Me:.....Sir only 2 days...HOD:"2 days absent?"....me:no...2 days present
2. The HOD will give act politely with you....thinking that you are a patient. Then hell see the logbook and realise your not going to pay him.
3.  "How can you spell my name wrong?! You had one job!!"
4. "Security!!
5. "Is that a white coat or a blouse?!
6.  "Who are you??
7.  student:"...sir..i love you."
 HOD:What are you saying?! We both are male....
Student:.....it was worth a shot. So will you sign my logbook?.
HOD:...get out

Exam Villains:-
Some colleges have semester exams at the end of every er...semester to check if our brains still work. Some don't. Some colleges just have a big ugly fire breathing university exam at the ending like bozo from mario. So usually when we studying for the second year final exam. We would actually have forgot how to study. Youll be sitting in front of the book thinking "Come on! ive done this before! Must....somehow...study.....SQUIRREL!! ("up" movie reference)". Well have the concentration span of a short term memory patient on meth. Kinda like a reverse rainman
    Dr: What about internal tests? If you study for those regularly itll help for your main exam?
   Me:What are you still doin he..... SECURITY! Get him out of here!
    Where was ya....ah ya. So lets get to the subjects. The second year subjects can be compared to batman villains (This is a very nerdy entry right?)

Pharmacology -The Riddler:-
    We feel that theres much in it but there so many names and terms and confusions in it that itll fry your brain and next thing you know you'll laughing in a corner with a question mark on your head

Forensic Medicine - Scarecrow:-
     Consider to be the easy one but its still really dark and scary. This could result in scarring you pretty badly for life.

Microbiology - Two face:-
     People will say that microbiology is easy. "Theyll pass you off.....every  one passed last time........Just put chocolate agar and 38 degree for everything....Just imagine every bacteria is a lava cake..bleh bleh bleh"
Just when you believe that story and you let your guard down...BOOM! It stabs you in the back and it fails everyone. One year everyone passes...one year everyone fails.
Its like they pass people with chance like the flip of a coin

Pathology - The joker:-
            The main villain...the darkest of them all.....the killing joke. Some subjects just want to watch the world learn....this subject wants to watch the world burn. Dr Harleen Frances Quinzel hung out with the joker amd she became a crazy baseball swinging nutcase called Harley Quinn. The difference is after you study pathology you wont be holding a baseball bat. You'll hit yourself with one. Im not kidding. Im writing my pathology paper (second...*cough*..time). I saw the question and i started laughing in the exam hall. A crazied maniac laugh like someone who didnt understand the punchline of a very bad joke. I could feel everyone repeating the same laugh behind me as they get the paper. People usually continue that laugh for 6 months...he he....haha

Medicine fresher year!

Hmmmm. Ghosts, College. Looks like ive deviated a bit from the medical posts. So guess ill get back to medical topics. This is something medical students can relate to. Here im going to tell about every year in medicine and what are the phases we go through that stage

                                 1ST YEAR

    Aaaah. First year! Everyone enters fresh into college. Minds blank. Not a single own thought. Everyone will be brainwashed by the surrounding public
Majority will be told by the public and parents about how medicine is a noble profession and that you got to be serious, act like a doctor, focus only on studi......*yawn*...you get the picture.

The parents of most girls will hear about active sex lives of many colleges and will freak out and start saying about how you should careful about boys, not use facebook or whatsapp, not to talk to boys, not to look at boys, not to use objects touched by a boy, sniff the room before coming to see if theres a scent of a boy, if a boy accidently touches your arm you have to wash your arm or either cut it off. Hehe. Its in that fear that they put the girl in girl school but uunfortunately and grudgingly theyll have to put her in a college with the opposite sex.
Thats why girls colleges are high in demand. For total isolation from all forms of testosterone! Its very ironic because its those girls who get a boyfriend first. I dont know why they make such a big deal about it. Its not like the parents are going to kill them hahahaha.....oh wait. maybe they do.

Then there are the guys who would have seen movies like 22 jump street and expect some 3 girls in bikinis to jump on them as soon as they enter college and theyll be complaining about how college is boring....but they would have never talked to a girl.

Guys get the talk about how there are bad demons such as alcohol and cigarettes and that you should never go near them. Ill give those guys 3 years max. In third year hell be like "Ill give it a taste. Thats all" *half an hour later with the fourth bottle* "Im not drinking...*hic*....im just having a taste.

But do you know who is most excited for first year to start? The seniors! A fresh new crop of juniors for us to try flirting with......fail miserable and get a haircut and act like nothing happened. 

The first classes include a lot of neck exercises. All guys will be looking left and right again and again. Seeing if any of the girls are good and if it was worth the capitation cash. Oh girls look at the guys too but you know...they cant make it obvious that they looking at guys. You know....showing that they good girls. So picture their eyes are like a DSLR secret level agent camera. Theyll be looking down and then suddenly theyll look up for some half a millisecond and then scan the full class by then. Take a photographic pic in their mind. Then the agents...chi...i mean girls go back to cls and they discuss about the data they collected.

How do people start talkin to eachother if they don't meet face to face? Simple. You guys seem horror movies. Like they walk into an abondoned room and then suddenly get an abrupt text from am unknown number "I've seen you before. Im someone you know or 'Guess who?". This is the exact scenario that happens. The guy will get the girls number. Heaven knows how. And will message "Im your classmate. Guess who." Like some serial killer Freddy Krueger wannabe. And the girls reaction will be "How the hell did he get my number. I just got my new sim half an hour back". 

So thats why we have cases of girls changing their number some once a month. So when they recharge they netpack shell be getting a new number. So boys.....dont jump too much if you get her number. 

And gents be very careful if a girl sends you a random message. It could be one or yr friends messaging you from an unknown number. A friend of mine even proposed to a girl who then later turned out to be his friend messaging from another name. So trick is you first talk formally like she an adopted sister (but never use that s word). Call her once. Confirm shes female. Then attackk!! Begin the flirting

     First year there is that huge hype about getting a girl friend. The people who have a girlfriend are officiall considered....cool! Everyone will be wooorshiping them. You'll have people saying "Its been 6 months and i still don't a girlfriend". The worst are the first people who get laid.....chi i mean....get commited. Jackasses! Theyll do anything to show the world he had a girlfriend. Me:"Dude coming for a movie?"...friend:naaa dude i have to talk on the phone to my girlfriend for the full night. Me:".....*resisting urge to punch him*....A simple no would be enough."
I hate it when they talk full night on the phone. Picture me having a bad stomach. So i wake up half asleep and i put my shorts on and im walking to the bathroom at 3 in the morning and theres this dude talking on the phone like some unemployed ghost.
     The party scene is pretty cute. There maybe a small group who drink but are terrified that people will know. So theyll be hiding from even the guys in hostel. Even guys would overreact and advise them or even call their parents. Some girls even stop talking with the guy because she heard he drinks.
 Guy:i killed someone...
Girls:its ok. Im there for you...
Guy:Oh i also had a bacardi glass yesterday....
Girl:....Did i mention that your like a brother to me.
Ok i guess this wraps up our blog tod...."WAIT A MINUTE

me: What on earth...Who the hell are you?

voice: Im a full qualified doctor. Doctor Escobar

Me: Then what the f*ck are you doing in my blog?

Dr: You seem to have mentioned only about the relationship problems and drinking issues. Is college just girls and alcohol for u?

me:................maybe

Dr:What about the main academic parts of first year? What bout Physiology?

me:........ive never heard of that Pokemon before

Dr:no excuses. you are going to tell all about the subjects in first year and some advice about it....before you forget it by next saturday night

Me:.....fine you asked for it. The three subjects which you will be learning in 1st year are

1.Anatomy:
This is the study of all the gears,knobs and parts in the human body. You'll have a live dead bo...*gettin slapped in back of head* .. ouch!... i mean kedavar in front of you and you got to identify all the parts. Remember how in school they asked us to cut up a frog and identify the parts. Same thing! Its like that dead frog got a kiss from a princess and became a prince....a dead zombified prince with a lot of preservative smell on it.
The biggest thing we learn from Anatomy is the immunity against all gore scenes in movies. Im not kidding. I bet before you joined mbbs you would have freaked out seeing a woman cut his arm off in the Saw 6 movie. After you join medicine you'll be pissing off your non medical friends by sayong dialogues like "You see all the blood as he screams in pain? Thats because he got cut on the Radial artery. I got that question during my viv..".. Friend:"Dude! Shut up!"

Biochemistry:
This subject i like to call as the trippy one. This is a stoners paradise. You got to take some chemicals and add same sample. Those will blue in colour. You heat it up and boom! It becomes green! Trippy na! Anyone stoned will be like "Duuuuuude! do it again!" Its kinda the same as chemistry except this happens in the body and also you won't be able to score that much weed in school. During your practicals when your mixing the test tubes just think that you are making the worlds greatest cocktail...... with someone elses urine

Para....chi..i mean...PHYSIOlOGY:
This is the hardest of the 3 in my opinion. The worst part isn't the viva or the mind boggling questions. The wooorst part is the practicals. You have to prick yourself with a needle. Take a bit of your blood and use it in the test.
Take my bloo.....are you out of your mind? Do you know scary it is to prick your finger? As soon as the needle goes to my finger ill be like "I cant do it. Screw this shit! Im out!"
Theres an easy way to do it. Find someone who haaaates you and ask him to prick your finger. He'll first smile and take the needle. Then hell stop for a second and consider stabbing you in the heart with the needle. But then hell think about the high sodomic rape cases in jail and so hell change his mind and prick your finger.... multiple times.
   Damn. Trust me. Im sure nobody can stab themselves in the chest like the movies.Our population can't even prick their finger. Imagine one of those couples...
boy:For ill do anything. If you leave me. ill just take a knife and stab myself
Girl:Balls! I saw you in physiology class! You cried after you got your finger pricked!

Well that sums it up for first year medicine. So guys stay tuned because next we have about 2nd year in medicine. That is..whenever im stuck at posting or in a long bus journey or a Romantic movie.

Ghooooooooosts!

Im getting a feeling that my posts are getting monotonous. College jokes....medical jokes...college jokes...medical jokes. So ill give it a break and so heres a topic regarding the supernatural

      Around a few weeks back i was hitting on this girl and then we came up to the topic of the movie "Conjuring 2" (judging by the fact that we reached this topic you can see that i was doing a pretty bad job) and when i told her that i got scared (or drained off all my testosterone in fear) she gave me this disappointed look at me and said "You get scared in ghost movies?! really?" and ya....after that she didnt call me back.
      Really i don't get it why some girls think guys who jump up in ghost stories are wimps. When a ghost comes fast towards your face then your first instinct should be to get the f*ck out of there. So if your boyfriend doesn't jump up during a gjost appearance on screen it could mean either hes drunk of his ass and hes passed out or he has no reflexes and if a ghost attack happens in reality then your all going to die! So if your boyfriend jumps on you during a ghost movie that means 1.his first instinct a to protect you from the ghost or 2.There is a severe lack of physical intimacy in the relationship. Ce Amigo is just horny!
          Theres no point being brave in front of a ghost. You cant fight it! Its pointless! All your punches will go through the ghost. Heck! Even batman cant fight ghosts. If he throws a batarang at it itll go through the ghost. But then again he'll invent a special voodoo which will someone exorcise the ghost. How? Because he's batman!
        Regarding people ghosts there are 3 types of people
       1. People crap scared of ghosts because they would had a personal experience with ghosts. They might have witnessed a person getting pocessed or they might have been in a haunted house. Ooooor they might have heard too many ghost stories from Granny

2. People who boast that they are not scared of ghosts only because they havent had a personal experience with the supernatural

and 3. People who trip on too much acid and see their own ghosts
   
Im in category 2 and i wish to remain that way. Anyone who gets an real life experience will immediately wet their pants and will have a fear of ghosts. Obviously! As if any person  when they see a ghost will suddenly take out a cross and will shout "By the power of the holy spirit i send you back to hell!"
      The problem with ghost movies is that some dumb people have this stereotype that priests can perform exorcism. If those people meet a priest the priest will say "Welcome my children. Here you may open your heart and i will cleanse your sins" and those poeple will be like "Oh oh oh! I know you! Your the dude who kicked the spider walking girls butt in exorcism! Daim! Lets take a selfie!"
          Generally i go to movies to get scared. I jump a lot. That Nun in conjuring 2 still gives me the creeps. If its some dumb unscary movie like Aranmanai then no way! What? You havent heard of Aranmanai? Oh dont worry. Noobody has. An unscary movie with hot ghosts. Guys wont run away from thay ghosts. Theyll ask to be pocessed! "That chick got inside me dude! Literally!
        Majority of ghosts are all these woman with a white dress and looooomg hair covering their face. Infact after i get married and i get scared in a ghost movie with a ghost like that. I will go home and go to my wife and daughter and say "Thats it! Everyone gets bob cuts! I want you to all get cuts like rihanna. I dont want you walking in the middle of the night with that long hair and scaring the shit out of me! Tomoro we burning aaall the white clothes we have! Even my real madrid jersey!
      Have you noticed? Majority of ghosts are teenage girl, small girls or old women who want to take revenge. We have never seen a teenage dude as a ghost (take notes Spielberg) Im just pictures the ghosts dudes will be up in heaven smoking up. One ghost dude will be like "Want to haunt that mansion?" and the other ghost dude will be like "Why? is there any food there?"
      My only experience would be one day before a 5km race i had. I decided to practice during the night around 10 o clock (dont ask why). At that time nobody was in the ground. I thought i was alone. But what i didnt know was that there was a guy jogging also and he was wearing a plain white t shirt and black shorts and I couldnt see the black shorts and also he had a bad tan so i couldn't see his face also. Sooo imagine jogging and behind you see a floating white t shirt coming at you.....in jogging pace. Damn! That was scary!
       Nowadays with this Pokemon Go craze i bet you if the guys go to a haunted house and it becomes dark, the door slam shuts by itself, the lights go off and then theres this evil laughter in the background. Slowly a woman in white dress, long  hair and red eyes will rise and will look down upon the innocent travellers who dare to disturb her. Theyll be some 10 seconds shocked silence and suddenly one dude will look at his phone and shout "Hey! I found a gengar!"
              

College Collections Part 1 - Characters you meet in college

Right. Its been quite sometime since my last post. Ok believe it or not my college life is coming to end. (About bloody time). So in the future incase forget all the cute and retarded details I just want to post it. So this is gonna be a 2 part special. So this will be useful for any kids who are just going to join college. This will tell them in detail who to stay the f*ck away from. This is based on the people i have met in my college life so if any of the characters are resembling you.....it definitely wasnt coincidental. I had you in mind. Ok...here goes

The Various characters you will meet in college are

1.The Hyped up Hot Girl:
    Every class has the hot girl. El Senorita! Va va voom! Da bomb. You know the ony girl which every senior talks about. The girl which makes random people just propose to her. The girl who has a group of guys follow her in a car like the presidential bodyguards. But whats the funny part about her is....she wont look thaaaat good. Heck i mean she looks good but for all this madness. naaa. Shell look just normal. Not like as they say. In fact all her female classmates and seniors will be like "For her? All this buildup for her?! Am i missing something? What is it these guys are seeing?!" but then again a woman never admits that another woman looks good so thats another problem. Even the girl itself will be like "They all following me? Im hot? nice! Since when?"
 Guys wont be complaining too much. Theyll be like "She aint got a beard so shes a girl. Good enough for me."

2.The delusional Stud:
             Everybodys attention please! This guy is the ladies man. This guy has all the ladies looking at him. The guy has every boyfriend insecure. People hate this guy not because they dont like him but because their girlfriends like him. Wooo! The only problem is........none of that bullshit is true. Hes just imagining it. Some 2 girls will talk to him at a time and he thinks he's Tom cruise. Well i dont think these guys are too bad. Its a good attitide. Hey its better being like this than being depressed like someother people

3.The Alcoholic Drug Addict:
            This is the guy who first admits that hes drunk alcohol or hes taken a joint. He would have maybe just taken a glass or just a bottle. Thats all. He barely has any alcohol content in his body. but apparantly when your in first year this is actually a big deal and people actually will look at him in awe. They consider him as the "bad company" which parents would have warned you about before you joined college. The interesting part is that the people who criticised him for drinking will slowly start drinking the next year and will will start drinking waaay more than him. The law of college is - When you join college only some 5 guys will have drinking habits....but when you're leaving college. Only some 5 guys wont have drinking habits.

4. The Everyones Uncle:
     You will see one guy in the class who looks twice your size. Facial hair all over and hair everywh....you get the idea. he'll look like an uncle your dad met at a new year party. Itll be like he drank a bottle of testosterone before joining college.
You will think "Woah! Puberty hit this dude haaard!" Dont worry kids. He looks 30....because he is 30. He would hv finished a degree and then changed his mind and done another course. So dont freak out and start shaving everyday so that you get a beard. Sounds retarded but trust me...ive seen things.

5.The Nerd:
    The nerd! What is a class without the class nerd. The one dude who actually does nothing but study. Hey! im not saying If you study well it doesnt make you a nerd.Ive nothing against people studying well but if you do nothing in college life but study then ya amigo! you a nerd ! You may be making your parents proud but I'm sure theres a small twang of disappointment within your dad. You may feel that this guy will have no sex life but wait and waaatch. During the exam time he will be surrounded by girls asking him doubts. So add this to barneys blog - Studying makes you score bro.

6.The wannabe nerds:
Now these are mostly girls but there arr guys. Some people get scared for tests. Theyll start complaining saying "uhuho. theres only 2 weeks left" Theyll delete their WhatsApp. Stop talking to people. Get stressed. Lose hair. Cry to parents. Stop eating. Go to the library. lose more hair.........and they still fail. In fact the dudes who drink before the exam just wake up...recover from their hangover and then borrow a book and study for an hr and go to the exam.....and they still fail (no clue why i said that). But these people are lucky because they gave such an impression they studied and so parents dont kill them.
Me on the other hand...one look of my dumb (fabulous) smiling face after i fail a test just makes them want to punch my teeth off.

7.The Legend:
*drumroll* This person who can never choose to see. He chooses to see you. You would have seen him for the first few days of college. After that he would have just cut a few classes a day, then a few days a week, and then a few weeks a month. Infact when you see him enter the class (maybe because of a power cut at his house) There will be a shocked silence in class and people all start whispering amongst themselves (and some people asking "who is he?. Shit! hes our class?!") Buuut We all have this admiration for him during exams. We all standing there scared, wearing our formals with neat haircuts and revising with every second we have. (like its going to make a difference) Whereas this dude is just standing there hungover with jeans...crocs...long hair and a beard. While you guys revising he'll be playing clash of clans with an even more intense expression......ironically he'll pass the exam. Dont ask me how

Dont go anywhere because ill be back with.....

*Part 2* Scenarios which happen in college....coming soon

NEET or NUAF exam

Hey guys. It has been a long time since my last post. My last post "CRRI sickness" got quite a good response and so i thought i wanted to take a break on a high. And at the same time i was too busy doing dumb shit that i kept on forgetting to do my next post.
      Now what is the most hot medical related news in India at the moment? No! its not Ebola. Its even worse....The NEET exam. So i feel its time i gave my truthful and slightly retarded views about this. aaaw Here goes
                 ******

For those who dont know that the NEET exam allow me to explain (because i asked my friend about it only a few days back) This is an exam which you write after year after your internship. These marks will be taken into consideration for your postgraduation seat. So if you get low marks that will affect your chances. Me:"so what happens if you mess up your NEET exam ?"..my friend:"JUST DONT! thats it!"
      So thats why i prefer to call the NEET exam as the NUAF exam - "Now Ur All F*cked" exam.
        Literally its something nobody can escape from. I would like to think of yhr NUAF exam as a form of Equality. Let you be the son of a farmer who sold his favourite cow to get an MBBS seat or the daughter of a drug Lord who sold cocaine in Mexico to pablo for the medical seat...you are all screwed. Nomatter who you are or how powerful your uncle is......you must bend over. Boy:"Hey! my father is the CM!"...Government: "I don't give a shit! and once im done with you you wont be able to!"
      The truth is NUAF is like the an free complimentary outmeal cookie given in Subway. Nobody likes it but we have to take it in. Nobody likes it. -
Students will think "Oh crap another exam"

 Parents are thinking "Oh shit. Hope he doesnt screw this exam up"

Professors are correcting some million papers thinking "Be a medical professor they said....its a noble profession they said"
       Once specific reason we students hate it is because after we thought that we have no more exams after passing final year MBBS....then this pops up. Actually that feeling doesnt exist in Medicine "Yes! No more studying!" Well have some exam or the other. Our life is made of Semesters! The correct dialogue is "Woohoo. No more studying for this year....hopefully" It still sucks though that out of the 100 exams we now have this new one to deal with. Daim! That is a lot of exams fees for the government (and for us ;)) The scenario will literally be
1. Friend: "Dude what plans for yr salary man!...Friend 2:Exam fees and blue pen and long scale for the exam!

2. Boyfriend to girlfriend :" Ive got the best romantic gift for you. Ive paid your exam fees! Happy Anniversary!

3. Father:"What to you mean your taking a break? When i was 40 years old i used to study 12 hours a day! You're 20! You should study more!"....son:"12 hours?! I dont even think i stay awake that long in a day"
     One of these dialogues happened to me. (im sure you can find out which one ;))

Colleges hate it the most. The NUAF exam stopped them from doing underground black money deals for medical seats. That means they are losing a looot of cash.So dont be surprised if you start finding ward equipment or a few ambulances or even a building missing in the college because they had to sell it.
        If we are to see the very minor positives of the NUAF exam. Heres one. Imagine you are a studious person and you sat and slogged it off every year. Losing your hair and you sanity for every exam. Then you see this rich kid who just somehow passes every exam by some influence or heaven knows what. So it must really irritate you that while you study before an exam hes drunk in the next room. Well.....not anymore. He screwed too because of NUAF" Justice is served. Now you know how innocent civilians feels when BATMAN saves them.
       Also this is maybe good for students whos father's are really famous doctors. (i wonder who that is) This is how the dinner side conversation would go after the exam.

Son:"Dad how much was yr NEET exam marks.
Dad: "We didnt have it that time when i was studying
Son:"wohoho! thats so sad. haha. looks like i have something you dont have. Mummy ill take the big piece of chicken instead of Dad today. I deserve it....*munch*

Oh btw this is a joke. Don't even dream of doing this. The man is a doctor. If he can save a life quickly he can take your life even quicker. Your dad will kill you and then he'll resuscitate you back to life and then will say "Say that one more time. I dare you....*biting chicken piece*
       Oh? My personal view about the NUAF exam. The people who are most scared about failing or getting low marks are the ones who havent failed or got low marks. hahahah. So im not a bit scared :). All I can say about the exam is.....*taking vodka shot*...." BRING IT ON!....*collapsing on the floor*

CRRI Sickness

I have been a side observer to the medical profession. The reason is because i have been jobless for quite sometime and Ii have made a discovery of a disease which i like to call "CRRI sickness". Let me explain...(cool
 my first medical journal).
   
               *********
   For the people who dont know - CRRI is the fancy name for a one year internship which people do after they finish mbbs. As for the full form.....do not ask me.
        Now this starts first in social media when  people pass their final year exams (wonder how that feels like) and start putting bullshit like " call me doctor from now" or "i am officially a doctor now. I would like to thank my family and all the people who supported me. A shout out to..." etc etc. You get the point. Good lord! Meryl streep didn't even such a long speech after she won an oscar.
     I cant argue with that. Thats true. Once you finish your MBBS you are a doctor and that status is totally right. (My status is going to be damn cool.....but first i need to pass.) You do some cool stuff like put bandages and give prescriptions but you also have to do all the dirty work in the ward. Its like whats the difference between a ward boy and a CRRI........atleast the ward boy knows what he's doing! *ba dum biss*
          Now here is when the problem starts. With the public and yr drug addicted friends start treating them as a doctor. It gets to their head. They start thinking new stuff like "Ok...im not a student anymore. Im a doctor now. I need to start being serious and serve the community" like some kid who has to say a speech in a fancy dress competition.
             So they start showing these strange bursts of sincerity which they never used to have. Theyll finish a full day duty but instead of going home they'll then go and sit in another department for the night shift. Even though they dont have to! You can see them smiling but the eyes will be blank and dead.
      I had a friend (im not kidding) who would just go and sit in the casualty ward every time he finishes his duty because hes interested. The other doctors were tempted to break his leg so they can really admit him in the ward.
   Some nuts will volunteer to take classes for the juniors. It'll all go well but you should see the expression he gives when the juniors ask him question. He'll look as if he got shot in the food in the middle of a funeral. You wont know whether hes going to cry or run out of the hall.
    Some dumb nuts never take off their stethoscopes off to show that they are a doctor. I mean bloody never. Theyll wear it in the tea shop, in the car or when they at a movie. Heck! Youll seem them eating in a restaurant with a steth on. What the fuck are you doing with that? Are you going to see if that chicken your eating has a heartbeat?
       Now dont get me wrong i have nothing against sincerity. I think its brilliant that people have such interest to the profession. I can feel all the nerds glaring at this post! Just let me finish. CRRI is bloody tiring. They will do their best to get every work out of you. Night duties, 48 hours shift, missing lunch and bad coworkers. On top of that if you show your sincerity and work more than what they give....Youll die. You...will...die. You brain will be sending signals to your body saying "Shut it down! Shut it down! It's going to blow! Abandon ship! Somebody switch off the heart"
        Nobody is able to maintain that  level of sincerity for a year. After some 3 months he will say "I cant do it! I need to relax!" Next thing you know you will find your CRRI friend walk into your room holding a scotch whisky drinking it straight from the bottle saying "Fuck this shit! Im out! I cant do it!" the friend will be like "I didnt know you drink" and hell be like :"WELL I DO NOW!!"
Statistics have shown that people start drinking more when they start interning
        Also after they return back to normal oriented self that's when they message their non medical friends from other colleges like "hey...im sorry. work load like mad. now im free. how have you been?" and then her friend will reply "bitch! you missed my marriage!"
        This is the reason why people go all depressed in medicine. Not able to handle the pressure. I wouldnt blame the person. I blame the society for telling "your a doctor. Your next to god! Act like that!" Next to god my ass. With just an MBBS degree you cant do jack. You got to study more then only you can do something. The only way you can serve with just an MBBS degree....is if you work in McDonalds.
      Infact after getting your MBBS that's when it gets worse. You got to study for years to just get the post graduate seat. So whenever REAL senior doctors see CRRIs tell that they are doctor they'll be like "Dumb bastards. Its only just starting for them. muahahaha"
      Have you seen all those HODs and professors who tell you to forget everything else in life and focus only on studies. You know why? Because the old hags are jealous of us! Seriously! I think thats the same feeling some parents have when they kill their kids who fall in love. (haha. more honour killing comedy) I mean think about it. They all old having to deal with pain in the ass students in the day and then deal with a pain in the ass family in the night.         Then infront of them they see all these lively young interns having fun in front of them and when they not having fun....theyll be planning on when to have fun next. So his first instinct will be shoot them in the head....but he cant so he tries to kill the spirit instead. Less bloodshed. More damage.
        My main point. (which im pretty sure ive said before) You cant single track focus on medicine. This is huge...insane and its never ending! Its like a mix of an alien documentary and a bad one night stand.  You'll be confused and f*cked at the sametime! You need to have other hobbies or experiences or joys to distract you from the madness and the stress. Its either that or a visit to a psychiatrist (trust me...those guys charge a lot)
       Its like the great saying bacardi and smirmoff once said (or to be correct.. make people say) "Having a few days extension or a few arrears wont cause any harm. Only if you dont have any of those.....It'll kill you. Cheers!"
     
       

A letter to my future son

Today when i was helping out in a surgery i put a glove the wrong way round. So while it took me more than a minute to get it the right way round...it got me thinking. Many of my blog articles are about the present. Now lets do something different regarding the future. For once a serious and mature topic. This is a letter from me to my future son. Lets say hes about 20s. Enjoy
       (Thanks a lot Shristi for the inspiration for this entry ;) )
             
         **********
   
     Dear son,
               If you are reading this then this means that they ripped me off on the vasectomy surgery oooooor I may have forgotten something on a certain night.
       First I would like to apologize that you had to wear pink tight t shirts with unicorns for most of your junior schooling. Its because I read the sonogram wrong and I thought that i was going to get a daughter. So i bought 7 years worth of girly clothing on wholesale (best bargain ever) Sorry again for lying to you all those years that its ok for boys to wear stuff like that because i didnt want to buy a whole lot of clothes again.....my bad.
Anyway I may not have been a great father like how my dad was to me (I'm especially adding this point because in reality im really broke) but we've had our moments. You had pretty low expectations from tje family when you were growing up because you were my son and they knew my genes would be in you but then again you proved everyone wrong and you were able to grasp  and learn everything quickly. People started saying that you were a brilliant kid. Well nomatter how "brilliant" you were.....you still couldnt beat me in "Mortal Kombat" or "Tekken" on the PlayStation! Ha! So whatever " Brilliant" or "Quick Grasper" you...suck! noob! Bam!
        You were quite the clever kid in school. You were actually getting good marks in all tests and distinction in the exams. People were surprised. Heck! I was suprised. I was so surprised that iI took a DNA test.
I was even more shocked when you said you were playing the guitar and not dancing for th school annual day. When i heard that I'm like "Stick your hand out! Im taking some of your blood and we going to the lab right now!! I have no clue who you are!"
      But thankfully these were all put to rest when we got complains in the parents teachers meetings when i heard that there have been rumours of you associated with girls, er....spirit abuse, tripping over stuff a lot and a lot more dumb stuff etc etc (I'll leave that to your imagination). When I  heard that I had 2 thoughts in my head. One was "Well what do you know..looks like we might be related. " and the other was "meh...amateur"
      Also ive heard that you might be taking medicine. Good old MBBS...*eyes rolling* and you must have heard people say about how hard it is and how people are committing sucide and how itll take years to finish. All I can say is...its not worth the buildup. Its easy. Dipshit.
           Ok fine so maybe the book is big and maybe examiners have this cocaine fuelled rage in which they ask questions which are not in the portions and they may eventually make you fail. I mean whats the big deal? Theres something called another attempt. You can try again. Its not like after you fail once its game over and they kick you out. Imagine how easy a game is if you can retry retry over and over again. Easy right?. Thats my point. (Ive failed 5 times and counting. Let me see you beat that! noob!).
     Yes the mbbs course is many years longer than the other courses. Think of it like this. College is one of the greatest and golden years of your life and you have an extension. Look at all your friends with jobs thinking about how to get apartments for rent whearas you'll be preparing for next months culturals and wondering if the first year girls are going to look good this year!
      And Suicide?! A 1023 page textbook with binding is going to kill you? You suck! If you are to give your life. Give it in a cool way like a crazy mutated maniac has a nuclear bomb and you fought him and you took him out of the city and it exploded so you saved everyone. Not because of a pharmacology book! Thats a disgrace to balasubramanians. The only way that book will kill you is if i hit you on the head with it!
     Now some boys want advise from their father about talking to girls. The only thing you need to do is just 2 words - Eye contact!!  
       Now usually people your age will be scared to tell their parents that they have a girlfriend or that they want to marry this girl on the fear that their parents might kill them both. (hahaha. Ill never stop with the honour killing jokes. So dark yet so funny!) No need to worry about that here boy! You should tell me good news like that. Ill be happy. Infact i had a bet with yr mum that you might be gay.........what? Dude! If you saw thr weird stuff you were doing when you were growing up you wouldnt be blaming me. Chiiiilll It doesnt matter just be whatever you are....a bride or groom.....or both.
      So moving on lets get things straight (hahaha...get it? straight!) You really dont have to worry about telling me. Thats barely a problem. The problem which you'll face is the girls father. He'll try to act all intimidating and will be really mean to you so that you stay away from his daughter (like bozo from mario). If he does that to you then tell me......ill go and smack the shit out of him till he says yes! Oh even better is after that if you do break up with the girl then tell me.......well go smack the shit out of him together! Woo!
       Now ill admit a secret to you. If you are wondering why after I come from work in the night I clean up the full house ,cook and do the dishes. Its because I made a deal with your mother. That i'll do all the house work after I come back from work if I get to name the child. Trust me...It was definitely worth it.
      To my dear son Bruce Wayne
        From Kaushik Balasubramanian

P.S:Your mum got pissed when i tried to make your first words "Im batman"

     
         

How to face a Medical Viva

Passing an exam in medicine is a pain in the ass! You've got to study a huuuge book. On top of that the bastard's will ask questions fron outside the book. Even satan will ask them to calm down!

          You know what a hard paper is called? Equality! Because once that paper comes tough all the people who have studied and all the people who havent touched the book become the same! We we all hold our hands in unity... and write bullshit on the paper!

     Another big problem is practical exams! Practical exams are my weak point (not like im any better in theory anyway). I've had some bad flashbacks with practicals (What im going to say is a true story)

  This was in second year during my pathology practicals and so we were dicussing what the specimens in the room could be. All we have to do is just point at it and tell what it is. So we all discussed that the model in the right room is a cervix and the model in the left room is a stomach. What i did was....i got confused and thought the cervix was in the left room and the stomach was in the right room. So imagine me walking and pointing at a huge stomach saying "sir that is a cervix" and the examiner was like "This is a cervix for you? Which woman will have a cervix this big?" I was thinking "Hey come on sir! She would have had a rough life! Lets not get judgemental here!" Then I went to the next room and when he gave the same reaction "Since when did cervixs look like a stomach?? What are you going to do in your future?!" Me:"Wait i dont get it. how is....oooooooooooh"

        Then we had another part in which we had to stain a slide with some chemicals and another slide you have to just view it under a microscope....... yep. You guessed it. I stained the one you have to see under the microscope. The external is looking at my slide and was like "ok...why is it blue?"  and im like "sir i stained this one by accident" The man started giving me one sad look like "Why do i end up with all the idiots?"

   Now one of biggest problems is the viva. The one on one questions with the professors. The final showdown! Dinner with the devil! Fear not anymore! With my abundant wisdom and even more abundent free time Here are the ways to take on a medical viva

1.Approach:

       Do you know what they say when you approach a wild animal like a gorilla or a crazy dog. They ask you to hide your fear on the inside and show that you are brave on the outside. Good! becaaaause when you do a viva you got to do the total opposite. Even though you studied and know everything you got to keep that aaall in and act like your scared. Like you terrified! 

     How do people get confident before going to a viva? Obviously by studying! Do we do that? Absolutely not! But somehow some boys (who i consider legends) dont know anything but will have this mad confidence. Theyll have this masterplan. Theyll learn one word. One random term and they will plan to use that for every question they ask. Any question! So the scene will mostly be like 

External:"Ok. can you tell me the various stages of cardical cycle in detail"

Legendary Student:" Sir......ulnar nerve ;)"

External *holding heart* :"Please....get out...and call an ambulance"

(This is Medical comedy! If you dont laugh for it that means you haven't studied anything!)

2. Religious tactics:

    We always do our research about which external is coming the next day. So what we can do is find out what religion he is. So we dress up accordingly. Like if hes a christian just wear a huge cross and go. If he says "Why you wearing this?" You can go "Fail me if you want but ill never remove it" and also you can say a small prayer before each question. Buuuut if you mix up the religions then you are finished. (i don't want to crack too many jokes relating this because....you know...i dont want to die)

3.Dont wear red:

Oh and never wear a red shirt to a viva because seeing that the external might get all wild and will charge at you and kill you with his horns

4.Seduction:

Now if you are a boy and if the external is either a woman (or if hes gay) you may try enticing him/her with your..er...manly charms for the extra points...chi..i mean marks. I wouldnt recommend this because the jokes on you if it actually works! You won't know what to do after that!

    Theres an incident about how a 10th standard boy and a teacher fell in love and tried to elope but got caught and killed. I believe he would have done this method to pass. He would have tried to get a few extra marks but then he got a bit overcarried and then karma would have got him in the ass (or her ass. we have no clue what theyve been upto at night)

5.Cry:

     If nothing works. Then just cry. Screw everything. Your dignity. What your crush sitting behind you is thinking. You just cry! Bawl if you have to! Roll on the floor crying! Make all the girls look like amateurs. Girls crying is something weve seen but a guy crying. Damn! That means shits hit the fan! 

Will this work? Actually i have no clue. Its worth a shot.

6. If you have it! Flaunt it!:

     This special point is only for people who have studied something. Not blank like a hangover. The professors want to see if you know some shit. Atleast anything! The aim here is do something which we have been trying to prove to our parents for years - That we are not dumb!

       It goes like this. If the external asks you "How many types of chicken are there?" (its a crappy example but i used up all the medical comedy in the last joke and also im hungry). You shouldnt say "What chicken" or "duuuuuuh?" You should go "Sir the chicken ran very fast!". He will this your retarded but in his mind hell be like " Thank the loooord! He knows atleast something!" Do that for every question and lets find out if it works :)

7. See the internal:

   The internal examiner who is the person from your college will be sitting next to the external examiner. He'll be the one accompanying the external as he comes and he'll give him snacks and maybe will rub his tummy till he fall asleep. Inother words he's the baby sitter for the external. 

     God bless these internals because one of the main things they do is they try to help you during the exams. They do it sometimes because they like you ooor (in my case) they do it because they want us to pass and leave the place so they dont have to see us again. 

   So what they do is whenever you are stuck on a question theyll start giving hints. Theyll maybe mouth the answer or theyll do some quick actions with their hands without the external seeing. So if you have studied then this will be sufficient spark you need so that you say the full answer and we all live happily ever after!

  On the other hand....if you havent studied anything it'll just look like a f*cked up version of dumbsharades. Shell be doing all elaborate hand signals and might even  do breakdance moves and youll be just staring blank! At one point

you just want to ask her "Is it a movie? Tamil or English?"

Kaushiks tips on how to study medicine

Ive covered a looot of topics. From how to live life to experiences or from showing off a lot to totally embarassing myself. For those who didnt know....I am a medical student (which is pretty obvious from the name of the blog.) So its about time i did some post relating medicine. So ladies and gentlemen i present to you..."Kaushik's tips on how to study medicine."

1.You need a crappy sense of humour:

         This is probably the only quality i pocess which may take me through medicine. I have to admit. This is a bit depressing course because wll through your life youll be surrounded by patients with blood everywhr,screamig echoing in your ears, the patients relatives crying and etc etc . Youll be studying even till an age of 30. There are plenty of scenarios of people studying for years and not getting the result you want. These are all somethings you have to face numerous times before you get your degree. Shits gonna hit the fan a looot of times. So the main thing is you need to find humour in the worse of situations. Just keep smiling and keep going forward. Find the silver lining the dark cloud. If there isnt....just get high and pretend there is one. Nomatter how much the course hits you down just rub off the scratches and reattach your severed arm and say ".....im ok. Its just a flesh wound"
    Here are a list of bad medical jokes which will definitely get you in jail but will be worth it
1. When you doing a colonoscopy for a person you should say "I know this is a bit rushed. I should have taken you to dinner first" or "This reminds me of a certain scene i saw at a petrol bunk" or "This hurts for u? man you'll never make it in prison then!"
2. During a hernia examination you can say "Aaah i can see a minute protrusion coming out......oh wait...im sorry. That isnt the hernia!"
3.(i actually did this) After examining a kedavar get a knife and write your signiture on its leg or write "made in china"
4.When you in forensics you can put your hand in the back of the kedavars head and be a ventriloquist
5.After a delivery go and say "congratulations its a boy...oh shit. your not the father? you guys look alike"
6. In forensics you can do balloon animals with the intestines
7. after putting screws into the leg during am ortho surrgery you can tell "You are officially a cyborg now. Stay away from magnets and please try not to wipe out humanity"
8.While doing an eye examination you can play "I spy" with the patient or you can talk about how beautiful the sunset is
9.Or if you are really bad at telling jokes you can just fart in the operation threatre. This is enough laughs for 20 years but it might kill the patient.
..........yap. im going to go to jail

2.6 months isnt a big deal at all:
One more crappy thing about mbbs is the fact that if you fail twice you have to miss a semester and write again after 6 months. Which does suck and our parents will act like they kicked us out of college. But if you ever ask a proper doctor he will just say "This is barely an issue! If you going to finish the course in 20 years you are now gonna finish in 20 years and 6 months. Thats all"
     People who fail will freak out saying "All my classmates are ahead of me. They going to finish 6 months earlier. Im such an idiot." Relax! Your going to catch up someway or the other. Theyll get their post graduate seat in 2 years. You might get yours in a year. Simple! Now you've caught up. If shes a girl she might get pregnancy leave and you compensate your 6 months. You cant be keeping track of everyone's progress. Youll go mad!
     It really grinds my gears when people complain that "im going mad. i don't know what to do in all this free time" Dude you can bloody do anything! Its like another summer holiday. Lose some weight or something in this time you fat fuck! Think about this - Some doctor complain that they dont have any free days off they just "free hours" off. Like one afternoon nap a week. So this just sucks! We have one side of medicos complaining they have too much free time and we have another saying i dont have any freetime!
   There are sooo many people who have studied engineering for years then went to medicine. You dont see them complaining. What's worse than not studying and finishing late? Studying and finishing late!
   warning: Your parents will not share this sentiment! After you fail atleast be depressed or grow a beard or something for sympathy. If you fail your exam and come smiling the parents will think
         a. If its a boy theyll either think hes not serious and theyll slap you till you become in serious condition or...theyll think your on drugs
     b.If a girl comes smiling too much some parents will be like "Why is she smiling so much for these past few days? OMG! She loves someone! Shes dishonoured the family name! she broke our trust! We must take action as parents....and kill them" (hahaha. i love honour killing jokes. So dark)
      As for all the parents who hide the fact that child is missing a semester this is what i say. Failing and missing a semester is something we should hide.....but people who sit and study for a year in the house for a post graduate is something you will tell eeeveryone proudly??! What injustice is this? I need an answer! Call the IMA! Call child support! someone! *crowd giving standing ovation in background*

3.See all the "SAW" movies:
     "Saw" is a horror movie in which a psychopath kills people with these weird machines. Theres a lot of blood and organs flying over and people screaming. Thats almost like how the causalty will be in a hospital. Except there wont be cool camera angles and background music and instead of a serial killer itll be just me standing there.
 Only if you get the hang of this movie you can get the hang of the blood all over the hospital. I mean imagine how pointless it is if you can study the theory part so well and then finally you realise your scared of blood! Well thatll just suck. oooh you can even discover a few medical apparatus in the cutting up scenes. See if you can spot it.

4.Shoe admiring:
      Get one thing straight. You can never make a professor happy. They hate us before we even enter the class. So whatever we do they will always catch us and shout at us. Some people feel really bad when the professor shouts. This is barely an issue. If your professor doesn't shout at you that means your never attending class.
        So the best thing to do is everytime you go to class you should think that your definitely going to get scolded by the professor today oooor you can have a bet with your friend that whoever gets caught first gets 10 bucks from the other guy.
     So if you get caught. This is what you do. When he shouting at you and degrading you and your family and blah blah. Just start looking at your shoes. Think about what brand it is and about the different types of shoes there are like that and then start imagining all your toes starting to sing or imagine....er..oh oh that shoe has a face. My point is if you think of weird shit like that then you will not be concentrating on the mean stuff hes saying to you. Youll be looking at your feet like "Wtf is happening!"           One main point is you should look at his face occasionally. Some necessary eye contact. For respect? no no. youll get neck pain if you look down too long!

5.Right to party:
     When your studying medicine. People tend to put rules on you like "Your almost a doctor shouldnt be wearig shirts like this" or "you can't go to that sex movie in theatre" or "stop putting statuses about body parts" but when it comes to mad stuff like drinking or smoking nobody says anything. Im serious! Theyll be like "ya. Hes studying medicine. He must be really stressed. Thats why he has to drink. Poor dude!Poor dude!" and ill be like "Awesome! and wait...We are stressed? really? Since when?"

6.Cocaine:
Ok...next point...

7.Learn the titles:
   When your in hostel everyones parents tend to call in the night they always see how you are doing. Girls parents want to see if shes happy and ok. Boys parents want to know if he's done something stupid or whether he is within the state boundaries.         The common question parents always ask is about what they learnt today. Now if you start stuttering and blank out or scream and cut the phone they will tend to think that you didnt go to class. Heres what to do incases like this.
       Take a paper and write aaall the headings from the book and keep in your purse. So whenever your parents call you just take that paper and tell all the headings boldly and with a good dose of fake enthusism so your parents will believe that their small little munchkin is finally going to be a doctor. aaaaw!
   But if your parents are doctors then you have a big problem. But fear not. Kaushik has a solution to that problem. When your parents call......take the full damn book and open it and take a chapter and read the heading and if they ask more questions juuust read it out from the book! Voila! (by the way if you "refer diagram 2.3 in the flow then your fucked) and Dad.... if you are reading this.......i saw my friend do this and thats how i know. I have nothing to do with this. So please dont kill the messenger.

8.Get a cool ringtone:
  When you interning you can't afford to keep your phone in silent. Theyll call you in the worst moments possible if they call you for night duty or rounds. If you feel like falling asleep or if you feel like bringing that hot girl over to your house.....then the phone call will come.
        So your phone ringing is gonna be heard a lot in public so you need a cool ringtone to people around you will be like " aaaw shits gonna go down". My recomendations will be "Move bitch get out of the way" or "Hit me baby one more time" or even better .."the saw theme song"

9.Dont touch yourself in theatre:
   In an operation weve got to wear that operation theatre dress and soon in majority of the movies .You would have seen this in scenes in which they take the alien for examination......and then the alien goes mad and kills everyone. (They must have used some crappy anaesthesia)
     In this  case you need to become sterile so you have to wash your hands properly,wear another gown and you must not touch anything except the patient. Infact you can't even touch your face.
    It is that point that God has a bad sense of humour and decides to give us a temporary psoriasis! Suddenly all the small irritating itches will appear on your body.
     You put all that sterile gowns and gloves and that point all you just want to do is scratch your face,something is in your eye, your hair is caught in the wrong, your full body starts itching like a bitch.
     If you touch yourself the patient might get infected but at that point youll be "I cant take it!! Let this bastard die! Need to scratch my ass! Oooooh!" If you touch yourself the chief will go mad and cut both your hands without even getting you infected. Hes a surgeon! Trust me he can do that!

10.Black jeans:
   Doctors are very specific that you dont wear jeans. So for that you can wear black coloured jeans. From a far view it looks like some black cotton or cardride pants. The only way you can totally distinguish is by feeling it. So im pretty sure if the professor starts feeling you on the thigh you can call the police!
       

Beware the school friend!

Friendship! Friends are naturally an important part of our lives. We all know the value of it and this is something everybody knows. Friends are usually divided into the 1. school friends,   2.college friends and the 3. co workers. Noone gives a shit about coworkers and their goddamn office humour! Generally out of all these the college friends are glorified the most. Because this was the time when you were just free out of school and they be with you till you grow into the grown up you are. This is a common and true sentiment. We have parents all over saying about how "college friends are people who you can never forget in your lives" true. its true. ans they will always be one the most important people of our lives. But one of the unsung heroes among friends has to be the school friend.
           Whenever you see a friend after a longtime. You get a surge of all the memories between you two. So if you meet a college friend you get cool memories like
  when you guys drank together and broke your friends bike, when you had brawls with the other gang, the old affairs with girls. Its aall cool. So cool. Raaad! You were the man! The cool dude! All grownups want their kids to ask about their college. Theyll talk about the fun they had. If we tell our crazy college stories theyll be like "hmph! amateurs! They blew a hole in a wall in college? In my time we would broke down the whole room and convinced people it didnt exist" buuut if your parents dont tell anything about their college life and say "Na. I didn't do anything. I just studied" then you got to be suspicious. That means your dad (or mum) has done some craaaazy shit in their time.
       But when you see your school the memories wont be something you want to show off to a girl. You'll remember dumb shit like how you used to get caught always in cops and robbers or about how in hide and seek he tried hiding under a car and got stuck! Me; "dude the game is over! come out!".... friend :"Im stuck! start the next game! Count to 1000. Ill get out by then" (5minutes later) Me:" you still didn't get out?" friend :" i bet you didnt count to 1000!! You liar! and i cant breath!"
     Haha. Don't you just remember when they ask you to count when your the catcher in hide and seek and they ask you to count to a 1000 and you turn around like your counting but youll singing 2 verses of your favourite song and then shout READY OR NOT HERE I COME!
     Once i played hide and seek in college (wait...i can explain. either we were really bored or we were really high. but in this situation were we actually bored) and in some places they have a rule that once you see someone the catcher has to run and touch a pole and the other person has to tackle him down. Everybody knew that.....but me. Wtf rule is that?! This is how they play hide and seek in prison! So you already picture the scene. Im standing shouting "Hey i can see you hiding behind the car! First eyes pra....AAAAARGH!!!! *CRASH*"
       The pro about your school friends is you have wacky cute weird memories. Some stuff you cant believe you did. Due to your insane amount of energy and total absence of self conscious. But once you grow up it kinda changes. The energy goes down and the self consciousness increases.
    On the con side since they remember you only as a dumb small kid. YOU CAN NEVER LOOK COOL TO A CLOSE SCHOOL FRIEND. Whenever you see a picture of a school friend in fb. No matter how jacked he looks or whatever concert hes in youll be like "chi? This fool?!" or if he has a pic of him surrounded by girls youll be like "Definately graphics"
     Do you know how we dread our school friends commenting on our facebook status. Once we see the notification we are just dreading the worst! Itll always be something mean. If a school friend something nice like "you look cool man. rock on!" thatll mean
    1.hes not that close a friend or
    2. he likes your sister
When it comes to seeing a old schoolmate who is a girl a common reaction is "holy shit! You became hot! How did this happen? cheh. I should have talked to you more at school!" but if you guys meet after too long a gap itll be more like "Your getting married?! wait a min! When did u start talking to boys?!"
       Its not that our school friends like us any less. They have a crappy sense of humour. I bet celebrities have the same problem. They still getting teased by their friends. Leonardo di caprios best friend would have told him after he won the oscar "meh. fluke! This guys worse than Steve Harvey" but sure he would feel proud. Or mark Ruffalos friend after seeing him become hulk "You becoming huge and green? You looked the same during 5th grade when you ate all that spinach after seeing too much popeye!
        The interesting part then was we have so many memories in the afternoon. Doing all the dumb stuff in the sun. For me the thought of not sleeping in the afternoon is just scary. Yikes!
       Another is physical appearances. If a person is fat when he was kid he is fat is full life. They dont care! Even if you win a bodybuilding competition your friends will still call you fatty! Same case with me. I was a bit chubby when small. Now ive lost weight. Yet im still called fatty! And im probably one or the thinnest of my friends! This happens to such a way that if one of your female friends sees a school friend and says "wow hes hot!"... youll say " who? that fatso over there? How high are you woman?"
   Ive done my share of dumbshit like
1.making a clubhouse out of bricks so we can sit to play wrestling cards
2.made 2 terrible short movies which is on YouTube
3. cycle raseson on ramps which we made out of a construction site.
4. played rugby with a football. though we didnt knw how to play. Which resulted us to do all the wrestling moves we know
5.playing wrestling but well be our favourite wrestlers and well do their theme music. best part is we didn't have phones or music so we sing te entrance while walking
6.playing obstacle course in the park
7. teasing girls a lot
8.when we stay over and play video games. no thoughts of anyform of getting drunk or high
i can go ooon and on but the nostalgia ias hitting me waaay to hard. i nees to sit down!
       Hehe. True to my word im dreading my school friends reading this. Like i said. Its not like that they like me any less or i don't like them. We just have crappy sense of humour but we still miss eachother.
   

"meh"rriage debates!

wow. That last post sure was provacative. something bound to make people want to slap me. Well this sure is fun. who doesnt love a bit of controversy.
       Now here in India the moooost famous debate of them all is the love marriage arranged marriage debate. Its everywhere. its the most famous of them all. Everywhere girls ask each other that question. This is a really common debate competition topic all over (usually in these cases the guys will be noticing the girls who support love marriage)
       So personally i feel i should voice my views to this. I support love marriage. and you aaaall know the reasons. "better being with someone who you know, how can you marry a stranger, love is beautiful, go thundercats!" same shit everyone say. and naturally ill be repeating it. Trust me you dont want to be hearing that again.
     Then again i thought to myself why do people get attracted to arranged marriage? Again this is from a males point of view. aI cant say a girls point of view because 1.only a girl can say that properly and 2. im scared of feminists.
    What many people dont know is finding a life partner or a soul mate is bloody hard. For the universe to make all cogs work for the 2 of them to meet up and then the fights and then the moment of love to bloom. Yes it is beautiful and worth it but it is pretty tiring. Dont believe me? The show "how i met your mother" that kind of proves my point.
     There are many successful billionaires who are still not satisfied with their life because they havent found a person to love. The parents will feel bad and will do their best. Theyll try introducing the son to girls and hope that works out. They cant like get a girl and force her to marry him. i mean noone is that dumb right? hahaha.....oh
        *Informercial background music* it is in these moments that we bring to you the arranged marriage!!
    Lets just say that the guy has a successful business or a good inheritance. Some cases they give the details to the matrimony websites. Oh as for people who dont know what a matrimony website it. Its like a dating website but you dont have to do anything. Your parents do all the work. Cool na? So for a boy theyll put absolute lies about him. No no its not that the parents are lying. Its that they dont know fully about the boy. Come on. We guy have some 100 secrets. Can you imagine the disaster if they put the proper details of me in a dating website! This isnt much a problem because they mostly check the job, relegion and caste and then whether he smokes and drinks which will obviously be altered. (Do you really think a father will say "you should see my son do a bottoms up with a beer! wow! he makes me look like an amateur!")
        So after that they get offers from various other families sending pictures of their daughters. Here comes the best part. The sons parents will start seeing how the girl looks. " Shes not that fair. her nose is a bit big isnt it? Shes looks good but a bit on the chubby side". Theyll be so specific on how the girl looks. I mean come on! your son doesnt exactly look like DiCaprio. Thank god they are not specific with how guys look. Otherwise mankind will be screeewed. Theres also an interesting thing about how they are very specific that the girl is specifically fair in skin tone. they wont be too specific about the others they mostly check that and if the girl is a bit dark the offers for her will go down. Theres another name for that - Rascism! The best part is they barely see looks in guys. When they look at guys theyll be like "hmmm. got a bit of hair. i think itll make it till the wedding. hes a bit fat but a few loose shirts will work. yaaa..good enough for me!"
        Now gents we will be given limited access to meet with her. Maybe a few meets here and there like some formal buisness meetings. The only problem is after the marriage next day morning will be the first time youll be seeing her without makeup. Itll be like "Wow. last night was amaz...SWEET BABY JESUS! WHO ARE YOU?!.....oooh...hi honey. hehe. just a joke" (hahaha..make up jokes. they never get old)
       Now the one part about how they spend their entired married life happily together i have no clue. Love marriage i get how they are so happy but i dont know about arranged marriage. I believe its a daily intake of morphine or something. Thatll just bring the smile between the ears!
      Apparantly i heard girls have a lot of pressure regarding arranged marriages. and again i cant comment on that because i wont know about it properly. For guys its just singing "I got a hot wife without tryyyying! i got a hot wife without tryyying"
        Some people will say that "I love my parents. that why i cant fall in love" with anyone".......wait what?? So as if the people who have had love marriage all these years have hated their parents and always wanted to kill them. Thats ridiculous.
     We shouldn't blame the parents. Its just that they have this concern for the kids. They scared that they might get hurt from love and all that and so they just want their child to be safe. and that concern just kind off goes crazy. The parents have the rights to check the bride or grooms background and to see if their child will be happy with that person. This got a bit mistranslated all these years and now some now have the idea that love is bad. I mean love is an emotion. Some parents will be like "how can you do this to us? how can you do this to your family?" Come on! Its not like he killed someone! Your making it sound like he kidnapped the full family or something like the jigsaw killer from saw
      So all of you who take things in the wrong sense. Let me explain that i am the person who would go for a love marriage instead of an arranged marriage. I mean come on its better to jump into a well than your full family to push you into the well
    

Love talks!

Greetings. now i just had my birthday this thursday. happy birthday to me! wooo! feel free to wish me in the comments.....*awkward silence*....er....pls.
    ok movin on. i have talked a lot of topics which nobody gives a shit about. intercolleges, how i want to live life... blah blah blah. but here is a topic which i hope will relate to everyone.
     Today's topic is relationships. now your all like "ooooooh. how do you know that? do u have a gf? kaushik has a giiirlfriend! Kaushik has a giiirlfriend!" Now if you people would just grow up and listen. Im more of a side observer. Watching relationships in the side. when my friends are in a relationship. Like watching a forest fire with 3d glasses and popcorn.
     Do you know what i think is one thing which makes relationships difficult or hard. ill tell you what is.......*drumroll*....- names!
     I can already hear everyone say "wtf? what shit have you been smoking dude?" let me explain!
       Let's now totally clear our mind and lets get to the first part. when you like the person for reasons which are unknown and unexplainable. and then you both love each other and its beautiful.
    Now here comes what i feel is the problem. So once they feel that they are close enough. someone (majority it will be men) will propose and they will become bf and gf. Thats great. But then heres a problem. The guy will be known as "her bf" and the girl will be "his gf". This is where a string of thoughts come. "We are now boyfriend and girlfriend. we got to make sure this is serious. Your my gf you can't be talking like this" Not specifially these reasons but usually there is a string of new thoughts and which results in more fighting. So where did this all come.Again these are a few guesses. One might be the friends with their crappy dialogues "oh you guys are going out? sooo sweet. You let her drink. i would never let my gf drink" she might laugh it off but it might be stuck in her head. oooor it can be some people will flaunt their boyfriends saying he did this to me. "He climbed up the window and  stood upside down on the ledge and took off his shirt and it had " you are my little cutey pow wow" on it" Yes. sounds retarded. but then again you knows its possible. soooo then the person thinks "wow. her boyfriend is doing all that? My guy cant even climb the stairs!" or the most famous of them all "you should be careful he/she might do this..."
      Alright they maybe some small stagea after that like engagment and commitment. personally i hate it when people say that that we both are commited when they are dating. Commited is such a strong word. sounds like you got chained together. Actually i believe they want to say that we are so close that we want to make this relationship work. thats sounds cute right? Commited sounds like "i have made him/her sign a contract with their blood and now they can never escape me! muahahah! hisssss!" Commited is such a word for stuff like "rocky was commited to his training!" or "doctor doom was commited to take over the world" not in love!!
     Nooooow lets get to the grandaddy for them all! Marriage! remember all the stuff i said what happens during the relationship. weeell it gets worse during marriage. youl get thoughts like "ok. we married now. we have to be more polite. how we gonna raise kids? we cant be going to star wars and disco! how we going to raise a family. what about the child college fund?" and some extra points will be addes by the friends "be careful about yr partner. my partner did this...." soooo much seeds of thought that you can grow a rainforest of problems!"
   Now im not against love! No No No! im just saying imagine if the words marriage and commitments didn't exist. You can just be a couple who have no other thoughts apart from how much you like the other person"
    Now come ooon so what will i do in a relationship. now i know i cant sign a petition to abolish marriage. sounds tempting though. Maybe what will be cool is just to forget that your married. Just be a 2 people in love who then become 2 people in love with 2 beautiful kids. a even better word - a family!
    This sure has been a contraversial topic and im sure some people are gonna disagree. im just saying these are my views. im sure there are chances for it to be wrong. so if you do disagree.....let take this outside!!

Bus time stories

exams finally over! im free......and broke. so that kinda sucks too. i have been seeing my last 2 posts and damn! that was a lot of ranting! i feel like the guy in self help programmes! inspiring the crowd! shouting stuff like "you have your own life! come on! raise your hands and shout " dont you be sour and feeeeel the power!" Hold it! ive just got a new idea for a caree......*imagining my dads expression if i tell that to him*....or maybe not.
       hey any of you guys seen varanam aayirum? Its a brilliant movie but some people felt some scenes are illogical. I didnt mind the sword fights in Kashmir, the instant bodybuilding those scenes are normal...but the one scene when he goes to the train and the heroine sits in the opposite berth. that's balls! total bullshit! ive seen more logic in superhero movies! That never happens.
            Ive seen situations like that when im the bus. You sitting on the left side of the right side seats. and she on the right side of the opposite side. This is the closest you can get. so ok...this is the scene. You both are in the bus and so you looking at her thinking "ok how do i approach her? do i say hi? or do pay someone to push her off the seat and ill go catch her. hmmm" whearas on the other side shell be taking her iphone and will first start with "daddy....ah daddy. got on the bus...ah i got my water bottle. yes ill come at 6. ill call u don't wry. ok. ya. byeee" then shell call her grandpa and say the same thing. then her mum will call again. i mean why cant they finish it all in a single call. maybe they want to keep calling her till she reached next day morning. good lord let her sleep! as for us guys they ask 2 questions "did you get on the bus? u hv 2 bags remember! 2 bags!" and ill reply with "im on the way and relax im not dumb enough to forget 2 ba....*gasp*..oh shit!"
     ok so after some half an hour or talking with every member or her joint family just when you feel shes free and its your opening. out of the blue she takes a cheap ass 500 bucks phone. Yll be like "good lord! this woman even more broke than me!" and then shell start looking left and right suspiciously. heck! even clark kent doesnt turn around that many times before he becomes superman. Then she whispers on the phone "hello dear. Ah i talked to them. Ah yes. what? noo. i cant say i love you on the phone". me: *facepalm*! already booked case uh?" You know whats the worst part. Its them talking the fuuull night. talking in that whispering voice. They like some romantic ghost with cheesy lines from some flop movies. Im pretty sure the guy was drunk on the other side.
      Another fun case are dads who drop their daughters in the bus. Asking what they want some 10times. Running to the shop to get some chips....even though the girl said she doesnt want it. I like how he keeps in giving all dangerous looks to the surrounding males like some lion marking territory because he trying to tell that if anyone tries talking to her hell bite of their arm. Atleast he doesnt urinate on the bus floor like a real lion marking territory. So imagine my case im just listening to music and i look up and some random guy is giving me the look. I just can't help but think "Who is this scary dude? do i owe money to him or something?"
     On the other hand its easy to make friends on the bus. ill ask a guy if hes going to trichy and hell be like "yes! wow how did you know?" he was standing under a huge sign saying trichy bus comes here! so wasnt that hard! Youll be sooo bored that youll do anything to strike conversation. i asked a guy when i was on the way to chidambaram if he was from annamalai university. he was like "how did you know ?" Drunk fool. There is only one university in our place. oh and btw we were coming from pondi so he was drunk so i cant blame him.
  Other weird cases ive met include
1. a 12th biology teacher who after i found out that i was studying medicine started askin me 12th questions like cells  and frog livers. and every time i didnt answer hell smile thinking hes clever than a medical student.
2. a drunk guy who said that freddy mercury used to single to the sultan's cock. (im not making this up) but once he started speaking about his old romance i got off at the next stop....which wasnt even my stop
3.another drunk guy who said he loved his brother while his brother was lying next to him. i swear he must have not had a pulse for sometime
    There are many more but i forgot. Lets see whoelse comes up in my life. imagine me sitting next to a random dude and ill be like "so you came to pondi looking for a hose what? hos...stage. oh hostage! nice........oh shit!"