Christmas the untold story!

It's a cosy afternoon in the living room on a lonely Christmas day,
The place is quiet as the parents are sleep and the children have gone to play

A heap of sweaters lie on the floor as dormant as can be
Oh trust me ladies and gents. You are not going to believe what you are going to see!

A single strand of wool raises like a snake
And is joined by a a lot more strands as if it had just been awake

The strands all form a human figure by every twist and turn
And becomes hard and long....Oh btw that's what's your mum said! Burn!

Looking like a human woolly mammoth with a woollen beard long and thick
What can I say? No shave November is here so he looks pretty sick!

He opens his buttons as eyes and says
"Ok. You can stop the poem now. I'm here.  Cease the rhyming! Stop the beat! Thank you!
Before I introduce myself I want to use this moment to give it up for our author Kaushik for somehow pulling a neat and obviously brief poem intro for me. He got kind of stuck for a rhyming words for snake for some 5 minutes but he someone pulled it off with some Google! All those years of listening to rap finally paid off!
    Noooooow let me introduce myself. My name is Jagan frost. I am jack frost's Indian cousin. I am here to talk about Indian Christmas's.
Other countries Christmas is usually represented by a snowman like Olaf or jack frost because snow if the first thing people think about when it comes to Christmas in foreign countries. Buuuut in India on the other hand Christmas is represented by the one sweater which everyone buys during the sale in July and finally get to wear it in December. And also it's the season for...achoo! Colds!
      Now I am here to talk about the differences between Christmas in other countries and Christmas in India. So without further ado. Let us begin

1.CHRISTMAS SPIRIT:-
Other countries Christmas spirit is considered as the feeling which we have once we welcome the festive season. Where everyone puts decorations and costumes and calls all relatives

Whearas in India
the person who connects us to the spirit world is the bartender
Friend 1: Why are you sitting in the bar wearing that hat which looks like a red condom!
Friend 2: Dude it's Christmas!....*hic*.....new year pre warmup. Soooo cheers! And merry Christma.... *Falling off chair*

2.THE JOY OF GIVING:-
    One of the main part of Christmas spirit of the joy of giving. Giving present to everyone who we love or people who need it and the joy of remembering that we are loved by others seeing the present which we get.

Whearas in India
Friend: "Dai Huzefa. Today is the christmas. Give a treat! Buy us biriyani!"
Huzefa: "Wait what? What do I have to do with Christmas?"
"Summa don't change topic! Give me your card. I'll eat and come!"


3.. THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS:-
In foreign countries everyone will be lying excited thinking "ooooh I can't Christmas. All the presents. The lights! Maybe santa will come at night... should I go see...no.  then he'll say I'm naughty! Aaargh! I can't get sleep!

WIN (this is the abbreviation for whearas in India)
People before sleeping will take their phone out "ok....6:30 alarm...delete!...7 30 alarm...delete! All alarms deleted! Tomoro holiday. Nobody is going to disturb me! I'll wake up in time for lunch... hopefully!...zzzz...*snore*"

4.CHRISTMAS CAROLLING:-
Spreading joy is done by many ways. One of them is by going to everyone's house and singing songs to praise the lord and seeing the warm greeting expression on everyone's face as you knock their door. (Reverse trick or treat)

WIN
2 guys in a coffee shop
Guy 1:Dude I heard you went Christmas carolling and they thought you were begging and they gave you all the spare change
Guy2: oh yas! And it's with that spare change only we are drinking coffee right now!

5. BOXING DAY-
In other countries the day after Christmas all the EPL fans get together and watch all the boxing day football matches

WIN

In other countries the day after Christmas all the EPL fans get together and watch all the boxing day football matches ;) ;) (maybe with a little extra Christmas spirit! Cheers!)

Well I would love to use this opportunity to wish all of you guys a MERRY CHRIST- MASS and have an amazing new year!
This is Jagan frost signing out!

#ALLWEDOISWIN

Road wars!

The advantage Indian comics have over international comedians are we had one off the greatest materials ever. The traffic in India!
       The people who are close to me know that I am from Coimbatore. Which was once a small town and is slowly growing. Inother words the traffic is starting to become a pain in the ass.
     When it comes to Indian traffic it's like everyone is in a hurry. Maybe that's because we are always late. And it feels like everyone person in the country who is in a hurry will always be in the same road. Like the full town works in the same tiny office which doesn't give pay if u go 1 second late
. I'm not kidding! It's like you know how these signals have timers right? They'll show how many seconds you got to stand in the red light and that's the time you change the song or look at the girl sitting next to you and think "holy shit! That's how you look?!" It'll be a red signal and you will be waiting and there still be some 5 or 6 seconds left but then they'll start honking their horns. I have no idea why they do it. Are they telling me in Morse code to ram the guy in front? Or are they honking in tune to the edm song that they are playing? I think it's some chant. Have you seen how tribals start stomping their feet and hitting their sticks before they charge at an enemy. It's like that. They honk their honks like some tribal dance before the green light comes and like monkeys who saw fire for the first time.
    And as soon as the green is on  I'll be the 3rd car in the line yet he will still be honking his horn like mad. Dude! Do you think if you keep on honking for some 10 times then my car will grow wings and fly over everyone!!
    Now was we know we all have started riding a cycle, then maybe a bike and then start riding a car and some people drive lorries. Remember how when we used to have a bike we used to cut through the traffic and between cars. Well the problem is when people still they can do that in heavy duty four wheeled vehicles! There will be some gap in which maybe I mean...maaaaybe 2 people can walk through and vroom! Someone will drive his Innova though like a steam train....and then he'll get stuck!
   Another delusion people who think that they are still riding bikes are lorry drivers. Getting overtaken by a lorry is like a scene from the movie "Jaws". You are just an innocent dude driving...suddenly you can hear the roaring of the horn in the distance, suddenly you notice that a huge shadow slooowly cover you as he goes into your land ready to crush you with no remorse. At that point the jaws music starts playing in your head. The Indian driver part of you will be like "Why should I let him over take? I'll go faster" but the sane voice in yr head will be like "Are you insane?! You are almost under the lorry. Just let him into your lane and then maaaaybe he won't crush you!"
    I personally think that this is what lorry drivers think when they start "Ok. Here is your license, keys to your lorry and also here's a paper which says you own every single road in the world"
     Another common idea here is "If there is too much traffic in the lane ...make your own lane" so if the opposite lane if free. One person will slowly go that side and go freely by myself and some people will follow him without thinking just like the dumb soldiers in Alexander the greats conquest and make another lane! And everyone will keep doing that like a messed up game of jenga and boom! Thats how one way roads are born!
                Now imagine the (common scenario) that you hit someone or something came flying and hit your vehicle and it's totally not your fault. If you go tell this to your parents. They won't be like "It's his fault. Don't worry"  they would say "You should have been more careful. You should more alert". It's like those scenes in Kung fu movies when the hero tells his sensai that the villain is using knifes in a martial arts contest and instead of complaining to the referee the sensai would go "You should have been more careful. You should be more alert". That's how it is. We are supposed to have ninja like reflexes and be prepared for anything which jumps in our way! From behind...front...side..smokescreen..knives...missiles..jumping gorillas from above.  We must be ready! Haiyaaa! *Bowing down*
      Here's a funny thing. Other countries if you use horns a lot. Apparantly it's nuisance. Bloody here horns are what wake us in the morning! Not the chirping of birds! People honk before turning. When they are on the road. When they happy and they know it. Sometimes they honk to the beat of the song they are listening to! "Eeveerybooody *honk*. Honking is to say that "I'm here! Don't crush me with a lorry!" Want to mess with someone driving a car. After he honks just ask him why did he honk? And he'll be like ".....................get out of the car!"
       Another common trait is that if you piss off someone or almost hit  them then theyll give you "the look" before you overtake you. A 4 second pointless coooold stare and they won't say anything. Like they expect laser rays to shoot of their eyes and blow up your car! I belief half the crashes are bcos of wanting to give "the look" and they don't look at the road
          One we should be aware of are these first time scooty drivers. a small problem is that the parents keep on telling them to be careful so many times that I feel it kinda spoils the confidence and scares them a bit. So if you sneeze next to them then...Aaaaah! They'll jump of the scooter expecting a parachute to pop out. Ps to those people....scooty peps do not have eject button!
       In foreign countries one of the most common things which police catch for is speeding! Going some 5km above speed limit you will get caught. And I've wondered why they never do that here in India. Now it makes sense. You see to catch a person who is speeding. You need to take the car, put the siren and put one movie car chase to catch the person who is speeding, skid in front of him and​ then give him a fine. Sounds like a lot of hard work....for that you can just catch the couples who are sitting in cars. Trust me! That is the only time you see the police come quickly! (I don't even know if it's against the law)
      Now let me wrap this up with the bigger life hack relating traffic. Do you know how you guys keep singing in the car and have a great time during Carpool Karaoke and when you reach the place you are like "Aaaw. We reached already?" Keep that in mind and remember the times when you are stuck in traffic and you are like "how long am I going to be stuck here?!" Combine both! Problem solved! You'll be enjoying every red light! And if people look at you singing and dancing that single ladies dance like you are retarded....don't wry about that. They are the retarded ones for not having a good playlist in their car! BOOYA! Your welcome! There nothing wrong in coming 10min late if you are having a good time!
Sir: "..........so this is your explanation for coming half an hour late for work?!"
     
          

Crackers of the ages!

Well this was the end of another great diwali week.
Sweets were more of the main core of Diwali! If you ask a person what's up? The first thing they'll say is "My sugar levels". Another highlight of this year is the cracker Nowadays diwali is becoming a bit like valentine's day. Just like how valentine's day you can roam around with girls, hold hands, make out (ok this is India so maybe I'm pushing it). Nobody bats an eye. But when it comes to valentine's day that day we have these activists beating up couples on a Monday morning (and we thought we were jobless). Same here. You burst firecrackers, fireworks,tear gases and smog bombs during the year and block out the sun with the smoke nobody cares but when it comes to diwali that day...one bijili..."gasp!"....Pollution!

          A question which we all ask ourselves is how did we grow up from bursting crackers? I thought about that and this is how the timeline works

BC (before crackers):-

This is when we are some 6 or 7 and that time our parents tell us to stay away from crackers so we keep telling ourselves "next year for sure! Next year for sure!" (Just like Arsenal before every premier league season)

Pocession of firearms:-

      Finally we did it!. Finally our parents are convinced that we have enough intelligence not to set ourselves on fire (I'm still yet to reach that stage). And we finally get our first box.
    I love it how when we are kids. Small things just make us crazy. The concept of crackers itself is strange...just a bit noise and that's it. But at that point everything would excite us. "Sound! Wow! Let's run! Can you feel that ringing noise in your ears? Then let's do it again!"
Fireworks were like the best then. "Sound and sight?! I can see and hear this?! Where do I sign?"
When it used to rain in diwali we used to e heartbroken. "NOOO! Why?? Why rain?! Screw the farmers! I just want to burst my 5000 wala!"

Al kids:-
At this point we are kind of bored of the  normal bursting crackers. So we try to turn it up a notch. We become little terrorists. Well start blowing up stuff. Putting bombs in the wall. Putting it under cups and watching it fly. Throwing it at the cat. At that point a good diwali is if a tree or a house catches on fire.
      Remember those times when the flowerpot (which shoots sparks upwards) would fall sideways and that means it'll go fly about like mad all over the place like some phoenix on extra caffeine! It is at that point when we all  jump for cover like soldiers with war paint on our faces think "Shit...just...got ...real"

Teenage Firebag:-
   Now this is when we reach college and that point Diwali is about 2 things.
1.Holiday and 2. Hopefully our dad's will give us a bit of extra cash in the name of holiday spirit. Usually well get some 2 days holiday for Diwali. What some characters will do is put one rough calculation in their head "Okaaay. Diwali is on Tuesday and Wednesday but I have a weekend also. So if I take a leave her and a holiday ther.... *Taking phone* Muuum! I'm coming home for week!"
         And we never lose our spirit for crackers. We use it when we go for a first day for a movie! You've got to love those fans! 3k on the poster...2k on the crackers. And sponsoring for all their friends. (Total bill: 7600 +popcorn) And to think that we are scared to go for a movie bcos of an extra 30 rupee GST! Infact they spend so much money that nomatter how bad the movie is they will love it "Movie is bad? Cheh cheh. Who said that? Best! Class! Top notch! Infact the academy award is filing it for a Oscar nomination as we speak" #vivegam

Coach ladoo:-
Remember when we were kids and we would be like "I can't believe it. I got crackers to burst for Diwali. Holiday"
After you grow up its "Omg I can't believe it. I actually got leave for Diwali!"
     So at that point all your body thinks is just to shut down. Take a box of diabetes and increase your sugar level and just sit in front of the TV and keep changing the channel. (Wait..that seems like a lot of hard work) Just sit and watch whatever is ok with that mandatory new diwali dress. That is after you take a picture of you wearing it before the colour fades. oh I'm talking about the person..not the dress. (Oooooh! Dank joke!)
     So if someone calls you for a movie for a first day first show movie at 8 30. You'll be like "First of all I hated this idea the moment you said wake up. Second of all. I already saw it last night. So be a darling and get me a box of sweets while I have a post sleep power nap"
       That is another reason reason why I feel we should get a vasecotomy. Ok I'll rephrase that better. This is a reason why kids brighten up our lives. There are there to make you relieve the Golden young times of your life which majority of people have forgotten. To remind us to be young then and there. I've seen it when kids force their parents to come burst crackers with them or play sports with them or play video games. That's when the voice xomes in the parents head "Little amateur! Let me show you how it's done!"
     So hope everyone had a great Diwali this year! I had a blast. Actually no. I watched the blast.
Diwali life hack: You feel bursting fireworks is a lot of hard work and money? All you got to do is a get a deckchair and a beer. Wear a kurta and some boxers. So that you are balancing both tradition and ventilation. Relaaax and watch other people's fireworks! Free Diwali?
#yourewelcome
         
     

Quickies -Jimmiki kammal live!

We have seen many of these one song wonders come and go. Kolaveri do....thalli pogathey....pattaya kelapu from Bhairava....whaaat? I liked the song. . The common procedure of us cursing the song in the morning saying that they don't understand why people like this but then downloading the song 2 hours later. Jimmiki Kamal is another one of those. It's one of those hit mallu songs which cross the Kerala border like.....er.... one sec...er...ok never mind.
One of the main factors to the songs hit is the  lovely video of the public school of commerce dancing to the song....sry I mean. Girls of the public school or commerce dance to it (audience:aaah now makes sense). So this has sent a Ripple of 2 reactions 1.girls asking guys "seriously dude? For this? This is wat you are pumped about? Wats wrong with me huh? You have a think for mallu girls don't u?! Huh! That's it I'm not talking to you" And dance classes all over thinking "6 million views uh? For this? That it! Bring on the team! We are going to hit that view jackpot". Well gentlemen all I can say is..nomatter how much you flip,B boy and own them.... you still can't beat the onam!
     Unbelievable! The girl in front became famous. There is actually interviews of her and all and she's coming in the news. Ya she dances really well and she was the only one with her hair loose
Moral of the story: make sure you do a makeover to your hair before you ever post a dance video
"Dude I'm not coming for the performance! I remember all the steps. That's no problem. But I didn't wash my hair. So I'm out"
             This actually happened.
Me to a girl: You heard Jimiki Kamal.
Girl:Ya the cinematography is good and the song is catchy
Me:oh I mean the video of the girls dancing
Girl: Oh No. Not you too?! What is with you guys and that video?!
               Well if you ask me. I personally like the song. Too catchy. Even my phone music player is like "Really dude? Again?"
And the video is really good choreography. Cinematography...top notch direction...wait what? There's another video apart from the girls dancing?! Really? Who gives a damn about tha....*Same girl hitting me in the back of the head*.... Ow! 

Swarahahahahha!

              Many crazes come and go. Just like how when we were small and we had crazes like beyblades and Pokémon cards. Once we grow up we get even more dumber crazes and one of them was Sarahah
      Now the all the people who were (luckily) under a rock. Let me explain what it is. You open an account and then people can send you an anonymous message about what they feel about you and you won't find out who it is. People will also post the messages which they get on Facebook and give their comments on it.
      So when it came I totally thought it was bullshit. Dumbest thing ever. But I was sitting there watching people post all the compliments they were getting. It'll be like they'll post a message they got of them saying "I've always had a crush on u" and they'll put a caption "wow thanks". So this is when the peer pressure sets in. You start thinking "Really? For him? This dude. Someg irl thought he was cute? Rubbish! I'm pretty sure it's a guy!" And then when you sit there alone in your bed looking at the fan at 3 in the morning. You'll start thinking "Hmmm. For him that much messages? Him?! Really? Him?!?" You'll be saying him sooo many times in your head that youll sound like a vibrating phone! At that point your ego (that evil bastard in yr head) will be like "Dude if that guy can get that much messages. Think how much you will get! You da man! The big man! The number one draw! (More like dumber one draw) MVP! Infact you will make that app crash with the messages! Time to make an account tomorrow" either that happens or you'll get drunk and you'll make an account. Oooor the most common scenario is a girl (or a guy..hey I'm not judging) you like will ask "How come you didn't make an account?" And the rest is history.
        So you finally make the account and you are like "Ogaaaaay! Finally the account is open. Admissions are open in the school of loooove. Bring on the ladies I saay.. Where my ladies at? (10 seconds later)....still zero messages?...(2 minutes later)....zero messages? Nobody loves me!" And at that moment you'll lose control and send your Swaraha account link to everyone on WhatsApp.
     I would like to take this moment to say sorry to all the people who I sent my Sarahah account and a thanks for the people who resisted the urge to block me. It's even worse when people send their account to you and they'll be like "cool. You send a message to me also" and you'll be like "shit! More work!"
      Now after what feels like 2 centuries later the messages will come. And it's not all candy, unicorns and compliments as you think. Yes there are people who compliment you. And there are a Group of people who use this opportunity to say the worst things about you. That's kinda chill. That's just how normal Saturday night with the guys are. What really pisses me off is the "constructive" messages. People giving you advice. "You should be more this" or "to should change this". You want go angry and tell that person to mind his business but then you realise that you cant... because you kinda asked for it. So overall itll be like an rollarcoaster ride of ego for you. You'll first be happy with yourself, feel sad, compliment your existence and at the end of reading all your messages you will compliment trying out meth.
                     The worst you can get is threats. I got one which was like "I haven't forgotten you. I swear if I catch you I won't leave you".  (I said that in the most censored possible manner). So whenever someone threatens me the first thing I think I'm my head is "ok which girl could it be?" Oi. It's not what you think it is. The girl won't send it to me. What happens is I never get into problems but the only problems I get into is I would have talked to the girl that the guy was stalking and your girl wouldn't even like him but he'll come to kill me. So he had an option to other make her like him...or threaten to kill anyone who goes near her. Option b is obviously here. "If I can't get her! Nobody will! Nooobody!" *Running on street hitting himself on how head*
         Girls it's the same thing except they get waaaaay more messages. Many Will be sweet but at point they will just be downright creepy! And that girls won't even want to talk about it
Me: so what creepy messages you got?
Girl: creepy messa.....er...what are you talking about? Er....hey that's a nice shirt
Me:why are you changing the topic? And why thanks! My parents hate it but I'm glad you have good taste.
     Some people will be posting the messages they got of people saying bad things about them and they'll be like "whatever you say I don't care!" If you didn't care then why are you posting it!? I'll be reading all this in the bathroom in the bathroom at 7 in the morning thinking "what shit is this?!"
  It'll be like a Big grade version of Celebrities read mean tweets
                      Some girls will post the message of a guy proposing to you and they'll be like "That's so sweet. It'll be so nice to know who you are!" Time to quote the famous line in star wars........"ITS A TRAP!!!!!"
              So if i am to give a verdict whether to download the app or not. I would say. First get a personal assistant to open your account to delete all the bad messages and then double check it and then give to you to read it.
        Verdict: blue whale for your pride! 

Peds - Not child play!

Now I've finished a few days of posting and one posting that has got my attention has to be pediatrics. Kid doctors. Pediatrics are the doctors who treat patients upto the age of 12. Now why am I specifically saying 13 is not pediatric age is because..... I am fed up of people still going to their pediatric doctor even though they are 17 and covered with pubic hair! The only thing pediatric about them is their brain! Maybe people prefer going to the pediatric doctor because he'll give you a lollipop after every injection. Wait....actually that is a good idea. Like give a lollipop or a sweet after a surgery. It'll make people happy......unless he has a diabetic problem. Then that's just mean.
            Now one problem is to be professional. You shouldn't be going "aaaw" at every kid you see. Thats quite a challenge. Also when you see these cute lil kids sick you just get pissed. Pissed for no Reason. You see a kid with dengue and you start cursing mosquitoes for half an hour. Or if there's are sent respiratory disease you'll be like "It's all the airs fault! Whyyyy! Argh! *Breaking glass* "
     Another important thing about pediatrics is the parent management. Because there's a lot of emotion in this. I swear to God that is the few times where you will see a grown man cry. So you got to handle with care. Its not like other medical specialities in which you can tell the attender "shut up and let me do my job" or "no ma'am! We will not give you a lollipop after the surgery!" These you can't​ do this in Peds. Highly emotional and they will not tend to overreact which is understandable from their side. So you got to be careful . You need to somehow tell the patient "Dude chill the f*ck out! We got this! Nothing is going to happen to your baby and sit down. Looks like we need to check your pressure"
           Pediatrics you need to improve on your ninja skills. Stealth mode. You need to somehow put the Injection to the kid without waking him up. It's like defusing a bomb. One slip...boom! They start crying. And When a kid starts crying it's not a normal thing. Have you seen how wolves start howling it causes all the other wolves to start howling? Same thing. Once a baby shouts. Like an echo the next one starts screaming and boom! Its surround sound crying in the ward!
    It's literally I'm sitting in my room in the night. And I can still hear the kids laughing and crying in my head. Hearing a baby laugh may be a cute sound...but it's not when it's 3 o clock in the morning and your alone. Maybe the director for exorcist was a pediatrician before!
      There have been fun moments for me in Peds like
  You know in a new born ward they don't let the parents in during visiting times. So what they do is they they take a camera and they put it over every baby for some 10 seconds and the parents see it from outside on a big screen. So I was the ward.....and yep. You guessed it. I put my head In between and said hi in front of the camera!
So you can imagine the parents were like "aaaw look at our child. He looks so much healthie....OMG! Wat is that monster nose blocking the screen?! Save our son! It's Godnozzle!"
 
There was also a pretty funny moment when this small kid said he wanted to see some wrestling videos. Sure why not? I showed the classic (and a personal favourite) Shawn Michaels Vs Triple street fight at summer slam 2002. He looked at me unimpressed and was like "I don't want to see men fighting I want to see girls fighting" me:...Okaaaaay....u got a bright future kid". But I was so scared to show him because I didn't want his mum to kill me. But fiiiiiinally the day he got discharged I showed him Trish Stratus Vs Lita. Hey! They kid was admitted for 2 weeks in a hospital. Cut him some slack.
     When you are every kid you'll be like "Damn you should make your kid join singing class. Are those lungs or air horns?!" It also makes you think "Everyones had such powerful lungs then. What partial smoking or poisonous smog in the atmosphere Came to my life for me to sound like this?!" Ask your parents. They will say the same
        By for the post graduates I have an immense amount of respect (and also a feeling of "phew. I dodged that bullet") especially a school senior I know you got pediatrics in a really awesome college. It's like they are there in the ward all the time. Whenever I go...morning... afternoon....when I realised I left my phone there and I go back at midnight..holy crap.. they still there! I'm like "Dude! Even the patients leave the ward more often! Do you have a room? Do you even take a shit!?" Crazy amount of work hours these guys do!
      I love the fact that how good a doctor is  they need a separate talent to control kids. Or to please them. It's so funny seeing this big doctors get pissed at kids crying and go "Stop crying! Stop crying! Or I'll swear to God I'll hit you" and I'm like "Really dude? Do you think the kid will go "I should stop crying? I never thought of that! Good idea! Please....do put the IV line in my vein!" Kids don't give a shit if you are the head of the department. They will still kick you in the face when you try to do something.
    I'm coming back and I'm like "Mum! These kids are really out of control! I cat believe it!
My mum *Getting flashback of me small screaming and running round in a round while a doctor chases me with a needle* "Sit down boy. Let me tell you what I've been through because of you"
       
    

Pain and Gain but no brain

Now I'll let you guys know that I've joined gym. Wait....let me rephrase that.....I'll let you ladies know that I've joined gym.
    Gym-the most common new resolution of all time
   Gym - the word which homer Simpson is terrified off
   Gym- the one magic word that means I'm already fit. Friend: "Dude you are huge! You look pregnant!"
Me:I've joined gym
Friend: "Ah then ok"
      Like how Kevin Hart would say. It pisses me off seeing these huge dudes going to the gym Still. You'll be like "What are you still doing here? Dude you won! Yve got big enough! Give the others a chance!" Guys will take every single weight in the gym in one bar and you'll have to sit and wait because at the end of his huge bar there is a 5kg weight which you want to lift. And the worst part is when they ask you to give them a "touch" when they left their billion kg weights. A touch is just you give some 5 percent of force so that they can they lift the weight......nomatter how much we help we'll end up giving 5 percent help so that doesn't change much. The funny part is well get more tired than them.
Gym dude:"thanks for the touch"
Me:".....no problem...*gasp*...now give me a second...I've got to pass out somewhere"
       What freaks me about gyming is there's that screen playing "motivational videos"  Huge strange bulked up men from all over the world who are blown up all over and they'll be shouting totally out of the breath
"....life is just...*huff*....about how...you take each set....and FUCKing give it your...*grunt*.... everything! You get what I'm saying! and show it in their face! You get what I'm saying?"
Me: "Dude nobody gets what you are saying!"
"Aaargh! Do you want to be like me?"
Me:"no sir! I definitely do not"
    I feel they should add more videos of females working out. The videos will get good response....intact too much response. Everybody would just keep their weights down and just stare at the screen.
     When it comes to people who can be either
 1. I am happy with how I I look or
2. I want to exercise and improve how I look
There is one category in between which really pisses me off. They'll just sit and complain "I'm fat. Huuuge. Nobody likes me!"
Me:"so are you going to do anything about it?"
"Naaa. Maybe some other time"
Or even worse "I'm going to lose weight.....so I'm going to stop eating from now. Only juice and air"
 That how people in in diet are
1.bite an apple for breakfast
2. Smell an orange for lunch
3.Touch a sandwich for diner
     What also I've noticed that some girls have a great body without doing anything. I'm sure they wouldn't have seen how a gym looks but still they'll look wow!
So when you compliment a girl that she looks hot she'll be mildly surprised "really? Me? Wow...thanks" You tell a guy that his body looks good and in his mind he'll be like "Really? Good? I get a year full package in the gym, 10k on supplements..and all I get is a good??! Woman are you blind?! Open your eyes! Get some glasses!"
     There is also a theory called "The fitness triangle of jealousy" which was obviously made by yours truly Kaushik.
1.The fat people look at the thin people and wish they they could be thin.
2.The thin people look at the muscular people and wish they could be jacked like that.
3.The muscular people look at the fat people and thinking "Cheh look at them. Able to eat whatever they want.  Not stuck on this total protein diet strictly no carb diet like me...*sigh*
      Well as for me. This is my weird story regarding fitness. When I was in 12th hols I joined the gym first time ever. The gym as some 6km away from home. So what I would do was (I'm not kidding here) I would jog 6km and go to gym and work out and then walk back home or take a bus. Then in the evening I would take a bus back to the place where the gym is..play football nearby and then after that work out in gym and then jog 6km back. I did this for 4 months. So what happened because of that was I lost a lot of weight. So I became even more thin and got a bad tan. But because of that I was easily able to run long distances which payed off years later when I went for long distance running competitions in future. The remaining guys will be struggling and losing their breath after 3 km. I'll be jogging slowly happily singing "Gasolina" and sàyin hi to everyone and doing one dance move while overtaking them and saying hi to the (limited) girls in the crowd.
       Also I got this Wolverine healing when it comes to weight gain. I am now starting to eat monster level amount of food. Yet I look the same. Protein...carbs..expired items....name it..Ill somehow digest and look the same. When I complain to my fat friends "Dude I can't gain weight. Tell me what's yr secret." My friend would be like "I'll f*cking kill you. Run away".
       Guys will be like "You eat sooo much. Where does all the food go?"
Me:" You keep thinking that. I'll go to the bathroom and come back"

         

10 survival secrets for admission day

I feel that I should contribute back to the medical society.  Give my share of the experience in the many..er.. months of all posting Ive been in (and repeated). Now one of the biggest problem every medical intern faces is admission day or in some colleges they call it duty day (whatever makes them feel cool). For all the non medical people who are reading this. An admission day is the day where they admit all the patients in that ward and you literally have to work for 24 hours and then get up and work the next day. Sounds intense right? This comes once a week.
You know what's even worse than a 24 hours duty? A 48 hour duty! I mean...why would they even invent something like that? It's like the college Dean was dressed up like doctor evil "Looks like the interns are starting to adjust to the 24 hour duty.  Now let's make it 48 hours! Muahahaha" So during those times the postgraduates will be your seniors
There's no point bitching about it now. The whole point is survival. So ladies and gentlemen without further ado. Here are 10 survival tips for Admission Day!

1.Energy Conservation;-
          A normal day is like an arcade mode in a video game. They'll be a time limit and you'll want to finish off the enemy/work in the given time. Same way here. You'll want to finish the work as quickly as possible so that you can go back and recharge your health meter (sleep) But an admission day is not like that. An admission is like survival mode in a video game. There is no time limit. There is no competing the level and go home and heal. The goal of survival mode/admission day is do as many tasks as you can with your energy meter until the level is complete.
    So you have to learn to save energy and bring health potions (snacks) for the full day. Some people get all unnecessarily sincere in the morning itself and go run about and do extra work in the ward and they lose all their energy by afternoon and boom! It's game over by the evening!



2.Style factor:-
           As we all know we are stuck at work for more than 24 hours. So that means people would be having to look at you for all that time. So give them something good to look at. Wear that really good shirt which you got for your birthday on admission day. Let everyone have a look. Or you can workout or go the parlour the day before. There's no point wearing a great outfit on Sunday when it's just rounds or if it's half a day. If you feel the professor will notice  and point out your fabulous shirt in the morning just wear the invisibility cloak for fashion -the white coat so that it won't be that noticeable

3.Om Nom Nom;-
    Now one interesting part of admission day is that the pgs asks you go to eat in 10 minutes and come. Now you got to realise that it'll take atleast 3 minutes to walk there...wash hands for 30 seconds (wait. Make that 40 seconds) and by the time you sit it'll be already 10minutes. Just remember that eating is essential to charge your energy meter so don't hold back (at the same time don't stuff it). So when your postgraduate calls after 10 minutes and 21 seconds just say "Wait sir. Aaalmost done. Want me to get you something? Ya...but it's on your account only sir!"

4.Motivation partners:- 
            Your colleague's are an essential part for the functioning of the ward. At the same time everyone needs a drive. A motivation for us to perform as well as we can. That will definitely happen if you're crri is  hot girl/guy (hey I'm not judging)
     But that's not a good thing at the same time if you got a good looking colleague. You'll tend to overperform in the hope that something can happen between you guys
....and you will be doing all the ward work for the rest of the posting....and your life with that lost hope of a small spark between you two (lucky patients will get extra care)
     So the best remedy for that is if you have a hot PG in your ward. You will do all the work you can without complaining as long as you can which as a bonus includes buying her refreshments and at the same time you won't overperform and hit on her.........because you know her husband won't like it.

5. Footwear:-
      Divas! We need to go shoe shopping! You are going to be on your feet for a full day. It's best that you be comfortable (and fabulous) for the full day.
    So if you are wearing shoes (which they demand from you) Don't be getting those tight pointy shoes. They may look great but will hurt like a bitch after 3 hours. So best you go for loafers. It's got some ventilation and it easy to slip into.
 Or just do what I do. If you have a car after the morning rounds just go and change to your slippers and be free for the rest of the day!

6. Hydration:-
        Make sure that you're water bottle is full all the time. Do not be thirsty on duty. Have a water bottle or a juice bottle. Just is useful to freshen you up (health potions). At the same time the more you drink the more you can go for bathroom breaks (genius na?) Come on! A PG can't say no to you going to a bathroom! "No! I will not give you permission to take a peak! You are to suck it in and put the catheter for this patient!

7.Headphones:-
       Now this something which I do. As you know you have a lot of walking work as an intern. They'll make you go get blood, take the patient for x-ray or walk the stretcher, buy biscuits Etc etc etc.
   What I do is I carry my headphones all the time so whenever they ask me to go somewhere I just relax listening to music and go do the duty. I'll be listening to "Gasolina" while getting blood packets for a patient and you wont see me complaining. So you'll be relaxing and doing the work at the same time. Two pidgeys with one pokeball! Double genius na?

8.On the dot:-
          We have limited alloted time to sleep. If there are two people then one will sleep for 3 hours each. One will sleep from 12 to 3 and the other from 3 to 6.
     So if you are going to going to sleep at 12 then you go by some 11 55 (make that 11 45) because its like a law of duty days that if you stay up more than your alloted time then some work will turn up. A patient correctly get sick at 12 01.
    An another important note is to not sleep where patients can see you. Because they will wake you up to ask you all sorts of questions "You told to give only fluids...but ice cream is a kind of fluid right?" Or "You told to give food after 20 minutes..but i gave in 25 minutes. Nothing will happen right?" Or "last time the tablet cover was pink! Why is it yellow now?!

9.Dont skip leg day!:-
   There will be a lot of standing up in postings so you should train your body accordingly. Go do some leg exercises - squats, leaps etc. Train you legs to prepare yourself for some 6 hours of standing! Ask the bus conductor what workout he does. What? Oh you think this is dumb advice? If your veins go all blue dont say i didnt warn you!

10.Abandon ship!:-
        The hardest part of admission day is not the 24 hour duty. Its that after working that long you wont get to sleep off next day. You'll have to get up the next day like its a normal day. That called a post admission day. That is the day of the week where you curse the most than you ever have in your life. The main aim of post admission day is....to not fall unconscious midway. So during the afternoon time when the afternoon work is dome just get your ass out of the ward as fast as you can like you evacuating a burning building! GO GO GO! Dont stand and check your message in the hall or talk with that good looking crri from another unit. Because if some PG sees you then theyll be like "Youre here? I thought you left. Its ok. Theres this new patient which came..."
    So thats what im saying "If you see your boss standing near the door then just jump out of the window!"
"But your in the second floor!"
"Dude! We are in a hospital! Im sure there are people to take care of us!"

11.Inner peace:-
        Telling that there are 10 tips but adding a 11th tip. I like to live dangerously ;). Now the main thing is you need to change your mindset. Do not start complaining like "Omg. How many  more patients?? It's not even night time? It looks dark..oh it's the tint from the window? It's only 3?! Time isnt going! We all going to do...".OH SHUT UP!
     The main trick is to keep your mind blank. Don't think about what time or how many patients or when we are going to sleep. Just be cool and wipe every thought on your head! Woosaa! Inner peace! Relaaax. Just focus on the patient or that good looking co crri and let everything go in the flow. The main thing is you won't be disappointed about how slow time is going. We may be doctors but we are not doctor who or doctor strange to do something about how time moves. Like the famous dialogue in Frozen "Let it go" and "Chill!"

I hope these tips come in handy for all thr medical interns out there! For all those havig duty day today! Best of luck! Im sure you can pull it off! May the force be with you!

Mission Pull the pulley!

You guys been to Kerala? I went there just this weekend to attends a friends marriage. Kerala's such a clean..fresh...healthy..coordinated place which follows the rules. Maybe that's what i hated about it.
     (Woooah! The producers of this blog do not share the view of Kaushik! We think Kerala is a fine..er..sober holiday spot and you have to try the fish there)
      So it all starts when my friend calls and tells he's getting married. It sucks when your friends calls and talks about all the memories you guys had together and how much he misses you and makes feel like an asshole because you haven't taken the time to just send a two letter "hi" to him on WhatsApp all those years. So just when you are on that emotional moment he'll tell you to come for his marriage which is some 200 miles away.
    So i was pretty determined to go and i rallied up all the guys and we planned a road trip. Such a good plan it was.....and it remained a plan. So i had to do what i do best and go alone on whatever random bus I find.
      So I had a perfect plan in my head of leaving Coimbatore bus stand at 2 o clock.... So when i reached the bus stand at 3. The bus only left by some 3 30 to Palakad. Palakad is like the entry to Kerala. Its like Kerala's version of the hollywood sign. Its like "Welcome to Kerala...Take a gooood look around. That's all you going to see here!"
          Now for people who know me i travel a lot on buses. Just go to a bus stand. Check i have enough coins to go back home, sit on the bus, find a seat in which my legs can fit and see if the person next to me is sober and then pass out. Tamil Nadu always has a bus to the place you want to go. Somewhere..somehow! Wherever there is a way...whether there is no will or not there will be a bus to place you want to go. But Kerala ain't like that. There will be 4 buses totally in the bus stop and out of that 2 of those buses will be going to Trissur! Too many damn students coming to that place.
          Asking Direction's is another pain in the ass...*cough* I mean... Asking directions is another problem. People who speak Malayalam do not swallow words..they literally swallow sentences! And while they are swallowing that word...they'll start with the next word. So when you feel they finish a word they would have actually finished a sentence. He he. I made a joke when i was in school that Malayalam sounds like a Tamil Guy drowning and gasping for breath. (Ouch! Sry i mean.."ooch")
 So if i ask a guy for directions hell be giving directions with full determination like Willa wonka showing his factory. I will not understand a word what he saying when he points somewhere while talking I'll be like "Okaaai. Ill just walk on that direction"
           So i reached Palakad (paul-a-cat) and sat on the bench and was took a selfie saying #traveldiaries and was about to post it when i realised that my net doesn't work in other states (another reason to hate the place).
       So i had to go a place called Pulpally (pull-th- pulley) at Wayanaut (Why-not?). So I got on the bus and he told me to a stop called Madhawad (mad -hay-ward) and showed me 2 fingers. I thought he meant it'll reach in 2 hours...but he said he'll reach at 2 (mind you the time was 6 then). I was determined to reach. I'm like "I...am.not getting lost in a state...where there is alcohol prohibition! Nothing is over! I'm goin to reach there! Eye of the tiger!"
   So then started a long bus journey and at the same time with me listening to all the songs in my phone atleast twice. The location was on a hill. So i would put my phone away, look outside and take a deep breath to enjoy the fresh Kerala air...then it starts raining. One cute moment was when a girl with a mental disorder in front kept asking me to open the window for her while it was raining. I kept on doing it for her and since i was sitting in the seat before hers i ended up getting wet the most. So if i end up getting up that fever it'll be worth it as long as that kid is happy *blowing nose*
       Kerala is like Reverse Bangalore. The place starts shutting down at 8 30. (So much for night life). They even told that elephants block the way. Imagine going one day late to work and you have to explain to your boss that you were late because an elephant blocked the way! So when i finalised reached the station at 1 30. He told there's one bus which will come at 2....which ended up coming at 4 30. So i waited in the bus station resting room. In other words i slept on the platform till then
Me:What's the point of the bus schedule if the buses come late?
Friend:How will you know if the buses are late if it wasn't for the schedule
Me:......touche
       So i reached at 5 30. I reached the hotel and the receptionist told that everyone booked a full line of rooms. But he didn't know who was I'm who's room. I'm scared. what if i knock the brides room or the brides mothers room!? I am not going to stop a marriage i travelled 12 hours for!
    After knocking a few random doors (and pissing off a few half naked sleepy uncles) finally my friends brother found me.  I didn't know whether to cry...or to hit him in happiness or shout "Thank you superman for guiding me!". And my face expression said it all. He just gave me a hug and told me to sleep and said "try to gain conscious before the wedding"
      So there I was in a swaag black suit finally at the wedding (the pic in my fb page) I've got to admit for a guy who doesn't like wedding. I really got a bit emotional.
      Its usually small moments which we should never miss. It may be hard but we should keep going because difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations!

You want some? Come get some!

Now I'm going to use this opportunity to address one of the current pressing medical topics
Random nerd : "Wow! You mean we are actually going to talk about the new developments in the treatment of multiple sclerosis in which they discovered a new protein in the immune system which helps in the development of myelin cells"
Me:......no. I'm pretty sure its not about skeletosis or about any he man villain.
   I want to adress about the assault on a doctor recently.
     Theres a video which is being shared by most medical students on Facebook Apparantly from what ive heard a medical student had just told that they had to shift the patient to another place. And i have no clue what drugs the patients attender was on but he just attacked the student.  I personally think its a shocking , cowardly and shameless act and this is not the first.
      But what people dont know is that theres an official law that doctors can defend themselves in case of attacks. Oh yeah! We will not sit quietly. We have aaaall the right in the world to beat to holy sh*t out of you. I dont know if its a official law but we will make it official at that moment!
       You should realise...just like how your financial advisor can make you increase your income in 2 months he can also make you bankrupt in 2 days. Or like a minister who rules a state for 4 years can mess the whole place up in 4 days (not like theres anything new about that) In the same way if doctors can heal people...its soooooo much easier for us to the opposite.
       I mean everything is a weapon for us. So if we are in a the ward and a person comes to attack just take the BP apparatus and hit them with it. Aaaand if there isnt anything in the ward just take your steth and choke them. Litmann steth are very sturdy. Confirm to make them pass out.
      The more intensive the care is the more utility we have in our belt. If you come to the ICU we'll be having defibrillators. We will electrocute you just like raiden from Mortal Kombat.
     The best scenario is they come to attack us in the operation theatre. We'll be ready! The chief would be like "Are you sure they coming?. Ok. Open the patients blindfold and make him sit up straight. Hes gonna see some cool shit! Ok! You take that knife. You hold that instrument and you hold the IV line. You! You are sterile! Dont you touch anything! Just stand in the corner! Someone also take a video! We going to make this more viral than the doctor assault vid"
So what will happen is the attacker will get mauled by every unsterile instrument ,get an IV line pushed up his ass and then treat his wounds in the same operation theatre and then make him pay the bill the next day morning.
    Not every medical college is quiet.We have been to some crazy gang fights in college. Ive been to most fights. What? Seriously! Well....i just go to the fights and watch. Ill be eating a snack watching them fight shouting "Come on! Kick him! Pick up that stick! You call that a punch? You hit like a vegetarian! Uhuho. Not you! The other guy!"
     Now you can ask what will we do if there is a group to attack us and we are the only doctor. Simple! Just do what Jeff Hardy does in every wrestling match. Stand on the bed and then jump on all of them so that they are temporarily stunned for 20 seconds (10 seconds theyll be down in pain and another 10 seconds theyll be in shock like "holy shit! a flying doctor!") and then take the intercom and call backup from another ward.
     Now people would usually recommend calling the ortho ward. Ortho doctors ate considered the jocks on the medical world. You know Huge testesterone filled guys who fix bones and have an obvious deficit of feminity on their lives (very ironic i said this dialogue). But i would recommend calling the OG ward. Scariest women i ever met in my life! Just like the banshees in Harry Potter. The people who dont believe me have not been to labour ward posting.
       Now i suppose your thinking "Where is his point going with this?" (Voice:Thats what she said!" Me:Shut up!") Im saying that we doctors do the best in our ability to save the life of the patient. This is not like a video game where you'll get full life and you save your proges when you go to a hospital. So if there is the unfortunate demise of the concerned patient. Then please do not show your emotion on the doctor.
     So to er....say it in a formal way - If you proceed to harm us then we will f*ck you up son! Ya dig?
    *dropping mike*

    

Third times the medical charm!

  When it comes to a franchise they always say the 3rd part isn't successful. But I wouldn't say it for this case (Medical case...hehe..*Ba bam biss*). 3rd year is like the promised land. You know in the movie "Waterworld" like how everyone is stuck in water and they are promised that there is dry land somewhere. Like that while we are drowning in the sea of second year (The poisonous oil leak of the the sea is pathology) and we are promised that there is hope and happiness in the form of 3rd year.
     And ill admit it to you that you are correct. 3rd year classes usually finish in the morning. A hectic day during 3rd year is  college past 12. Cross the noon mark that means we've crossed our energy mark . Flat! Someone needs to carry us out.
     Now you must think that in this free time people must be travelling places and maybe getting new secret identities and go saving the world. Aaaactually no. 3rd year is famous for ...nap time! The cocaine of 3rd year. For the full 3rd year (and my extended time also) I would have seen the afternoon sun some 3 times....because i would have slept in the morning in those csses
     Now lets get to the important part about 3rd yea...
Studious student: "How to study?"
Me:" Nooo! The dating! and who let you in this blog?
    Ok When it comes to any college the dating scenario is defined by what i would call the "Heartlift Mechanism" (Ive already got a copyright on the name)
           The definition is....The more as the your seniority increases the availability of your classmates will decrease but at the sametime the number of juniors will increase so we have more chances with juniors. At the same time the more immediate the junior is...the more their availability decreases.
    Didn't understand shit right? Thats how definitions are supposed to be. But let me explain. As we grow up the class girls get slowly either commited with a boyfriend or they are sick of guys but at the same time a new set of juniors come for us to try (ans majority fail miserably)...and next year same thing will happen to those juniors but then the new set comes. Hehe. I Can see you guys looking at me like "The amount of thought he put into this....Imagine he did this for academics"
        What i personally dont like about 3rd year is that people complain that theres so much free time and that they are bored. Who complains about too much free time?! Do you know how ashamed Phineas and Ferb would be of you guys! You can do anything you want...I cant be sitting giving examples for every thing you can do in your free time liiiiike
l. Become a crime fighting hero until Ben Affleck buys the rights to the movie adaption of you.
2.Become a drug addict and finish rehab and come in time for the theory exam
3. Build a rocket ship and then hide it so that you can name it after your girlfriend so you can get laid
4. Run for President of America (Heck! You dont need any experience for that)
5. Water a plant so it becomes   beanstalk and walk to.....OK! im sure you get the point. We have free time!

What I love is..people will complain that they bored in 3rd year. Then theyll complain theres too much work in Final Year. (Well God sometimes hears your prayers and then make sure you get a lot of free time in Final year....when you fail and do nothing for 6 months)
       Now when it comes to studies part *rolling eyes* Moving on from studying second year to third year is like fighting a crusier weight after fighting a huge heavyweight (After a few knockouts). The crusierweight will be way easier to fight than the heavyweight but if we are too overconfident then the crusierweight will whoop our ass.l! Same thing here. After seeing those huge books and wen you see books which you are....er...able to lift. You'll be relieved and itll be easier but that doesnt mean you should get too cocky. Otherwise the crusierweight ass whooping will be done by your parents
      Hmmmm... now all the subjects of second year can be compared with that of the kids you meet in a school playground when you are small. Its like this..

ENT - The Bully!:-
               ENT can be the subject which you can guys can like and be interested in but for no reason that department is just mean to you. Just plain mean. no Reason! Why is your shirt black? Dont wear jeans. No dangly earrings. Why didnt you bring a note? Call your parents (These are real excerpts from my ENT class....except for the earrings). So even though you can confidently pass the subject but since they scare you so much it tends to just lose your confidence and you find it hard.
    Same way with  the bully in the playground. He can be friends with you and also you can even take him on in a fight but the way he intimidates you just scares you and it makes you lose confidence. Also there will be no proper reason to why hes such an asshole to you

Opthal - The emo kid:-
      Opthal is a subject which people dont mmsweat too much. You give it a decemt read and some interest you can pass it. If you really don't study jack then you'll fail. Just like the emo kid. Hell be minding his business doing his gothic weird shit. He wont harm you and if you talk nice he'll be your friend. Buuut if you piss him off then that crazy mf will just stab with some hidden knife from God knows where! Thats the samething with failing ophthal

Community Medicine- The backstabbing friend:-
        CM is like your homie. Your Road Dog. Your pal. From first year to 3rd year we all loved community medicine. Going late and getting attendance. Field trips. Writing dumb answers about which toilets do mosquitoes bite people. And weee love cutting community medicine because they won't say anything but when we go for the exam theyll suddenly say that you have no attendance. You'll think "I don't get it. I got a decent attendance. I checked yesterday." Its ony then to your shock and horror do you realise that they add up all the attendance from first year to third year and you realise you didn't go at all in first year and that the class you used to love so much just f*cked you up. The same way your best friend steals your girlfriend or even worse steals your favourite action figure. The horror!
       
Third year is often filled with a warning...."Enjoy now. Because final year you are screwed...Take a good look at that smiling face in the mirror.. because it'll vanish next year and youll be putting posters all over town asking "Have you seen my smile?". Thats an interesting point. Ill tell about that next post......

Essential tips for the exams by Kaushik ;)

Oh right. I can see everyone panicking seeing the title. The irony is waaay too much. but i have seen people give all this tips during exams and some people even get paid for those tips. So i thought...let me have a go at this....So here you are

Buy The Books
 Trust me. This is a pretty important step. Ive had experience.....

Research with seniors:-
   Seniors love showing off that they passed. They will just find any opportunity to give you advice about how to pass the exam...even if you dont want to.
My friend who passed the exam before me would come and ask "Kaushik! This topic? Veery easy! Ill teach this for you" and ill be like "Stay the F*ck away from me before i spray this mosquitoe repellent in your mouth. I'd rather fail than listen to you".... Unfortunately the examiner took that dialogue seriousl! But seriously you should listen to a point or 2 what they say
  You must think "Yaaaaa. go to the distinction holders and ask what question should I mark?" No no no no no. Don't you ask them. They wont mark questions. They'll mark books! By the time you finish studying what they marked the exam will finish and results would have come!
     You need to go and ask the guys who don't study that great. The guys who make you think "Look at him. Idiot cant even tie his shoelace and he somehow passed pathology. Chai! How? Why?" Go and ask me...chi...i mean go and ask him how he did it and he will explain every loophole like which books the questions come,  which day they won't be stric. or which perfume scent the Internal likes or where you can steal the snacks given for the external. All the life hacks we need.

Go to the library:-
   Libraries have an amazing phycological effect. When you are in the library you have to mark the time you come and go. Soooo if you are in your room and if you sleep for half an hour or even you go to the bathroom for some 45 minutes (....hey. You have no idea what they mix in restaurants nowadays) youll feel terrible that you wasted so much time buuuuut if you are in the library and you sleep by accident or eat a snack, pass out or make your friend pass out or see a movie for how many hours...you won't feel bad because there is written evidence of you studying in the library register ;). You should WhatsApp that to your parent every night.
      Another simple reason is because the girls are there. Heey. I would choose sitting in an air conditioned room with girls than have those gay night study sessions where I'm sitting with a group of guys in the middle of the night wearing minimal clothing due to those God damn night power cuts!

Group study with a guy/girl (Hey. not like theres nothing wrong with that):-
    Because....why not? If that doesnt make people study then what will?!
     There are have been so many miracle stories about how the guy who doesnt study gets a distinction because of help from a girl......( and sometimes the girl fails but lets not focus on those minor details like that)

Grow a beard:-
     This is for both boys and girls. I mean if you are going to be studious you might as well look the part!
 Friend:Dude have you studied?
Me:"Oi! Look at my face! Isnt it obvious?! Now have you seen my book anywhere?"

Exam beards > no shave November

Control thy caffeine:-
    You know whats worse than alcohol tolerance? Coffee tolerance!
    The more coffee you drink everyday. The effect of coffee will stop. The whole point of drinking coffee is so that we can study late in the night .Instead this happens!
 You know how we have that habit of drinking coffee in midnight to study. That fail habit in which we plan to go at 12. Start getting ready at 11 45. Call everyone one by one and well go at 12 15. Drink slower than how British people drink tea and then take a few rounds around the same round discussing about how f*cked we are. Confirm that everyone is in the same level as us (If you tell that you've studied then they'll kick you out of the car) and then go back...realise that you sleepy because of the car trip. Convince youself that youll wake up early and put the alarm so that yll sleep for some 45 min and next thing youll wake up at 7 and you'll think "Ok...exam in 4 hours. Need to think of a plan to change my identity and leave the country"

Plan Your breaks:-
    Nomatter what you say you cant keep studying for months. There will be those days when you are sick of studying! You just want to burn that book, break a library window, travel back in time and strangle the author of the book. Those are the days you decide to take a day off. Im saying why dont we make that day count! Ive seen people take a day off on wednesday whearas a concert or a trip plan will be on Friday but they won't go saying "studying".
    The psychological hack in this is whenever you go out there is small voice in you which is tearing you apart saying "omg! I have an exam and here i am at a yo yo honey singh concert!" (In my defense it was totally worth it) and so that fear can be used to make you study even harder the next day by the time you are back.
     The only drawback about this idea is....

Gossip Gossip Gossip:-
           The most important quality required for an exam is  confidence. Once you have the confidence that you can pass half the work is done. But during an exam time if you are just walking around with a smile or just going to a shop for a snack people will start asking you dumb stuff like "Are you even studying for the exam? It doesn't seem like that. Looks like your enjoying yourself only"
   So what you have to do is bring put you acting genes. Whenever people ask you what's up and how preparation is going just start complaining like some grandpa who hates ipads "Omg!  Theres so much! Ive tried a revision but i cant even pass the contents. I think im going mad! Im not going to make it. If i kill myself tell my parents i love them and that they should ask refund from exam fees." Then people will be like "Ok he seems tensed. He must be studying" Retarded theory right? Stupidy must be fought with stupidity
      Parents you should give a bipolar kind of update about your progress. Make it sound like your confident and screwed at the same time " Yaaa. theres so much... Haven't slept but i can pull it off. This is  subject where everyone fails but ddon't worry...im sure i can pass after a 3rd revision" (Translation: Dont kill me if i fail!)


Weight!:
      Many people tend to study at home. In a comfortable environment under the posters in their room. But the drawback  you study you become hungry. After you learn 2 pages you'll start hallucinating burgers. (Trust me this is more effective than weed) When you are at hostel you get hungry and you plan on where to go eat. Then you can hear your wallet speak "You keep feeding yourself! Why don't you feed me once in a while! Your broke again! Sit down and study! Whearas when you are at home....MUUUUUUUM!!!
    Your mother will then bring 2000 calories of "brain food" which will fill up and guarantee you sleep for half a day.
So whenever someone comes back from home from a study holiday theyll look fresh, faaat and i have an intact bowel system. and when you ask if they studied theyll be like "Nope...but i brought sweets from home"

Concentration:-
      The most essential of them all. We need to make sure that we are full focussed on our subject and that nothing should distract us. Nomatter what comes....*notification in Pokémon go*...oooh theres a charmander here. Ok ill see you guys later...*leaving the
room*