Anaesthetists - The unsung heroes

Life is all about the unsung heroes. Defenders in football, our fathers, beaters in quidditch and the nice person in the restaurant kitchen who somehow convince the irritated waiters not to spit on our food.
In the medical world the unsung heroes are definately anaesthetists

Anaesthetists are basically like the control tower in an airport. They take care of everything. Even though the pilots will be getting all the glory (and all the air hostesses). Nothing will be possible without guidance from the control room. Without them it'll be just a bunch of planes colliding into eachother just like Breaking Bad.

When I was an undergraduate I would see these anaesthetists sitting doing nothing in a surgery thinking "Cheh look how happy and bored they are. This is the life for me" but then I realised that it's not as cool as it seems.
Keep it like this. If a surgery goes wrong. If the patient gets an arrest or the blood pressure goes high or if he shows sudden signs of pain. The surgeons will instantly put the full blame on the anaesthetists and act like they got nothing to do with the surgery......dispite the fact that they were performing a surgery on him for an hour and a half.
The blame game will keep on going on till the patient is shifted to the ward

I had a small preview of how the job will be during my anaesthesia posting.
The post graduate told I had one job! I just had to check the BP and the heart rate. Cool. How hard could it be? After some 20 minutes of looking at the monitor I thought of taking notice of the outside world and decided to take part in some extra curricular activity......like adjusting my slippers.
Then I get a tap on the shoulder and my PG shows me the monitor and it appears that the heart rate had gone high. It was at that moment I knew this speciality wasn't for me......a dialogue which I have been repeating regularly after every posting.

Freelancing anaesthesia is the worst. It's like a very delicate...game of Jenga. Freelancing aneasthetists are the people who travel to different hospitals for different surgeries. So they would have planned it peeerfectly. Like "this surgery at 2 o clock....I'll finish it by 3:30. Travel for half an hour and I'll get there in time for this surgery. And I'll go for the next one by 7 o clock...." You get the idea
Technically it's them Vs the universe (and gyenacology)
"What do you mean you going to perform a C section now?! You said not for another 12 hours!? That's not fair...but I have another cas.....oh screw it. I'm coming!"

So if anything happens...like bad traffic or a patient gets shifted late....or the other doctor comes late. Then their perfect timetable will break into pieces and the only persons blood pressure they'll be monitoring will be theirs!

You know what's the cool part about anaesthetists. They call the shots in the operation theatre. Nomatter how big of a surgeon you are. Even if you are doctor Strange. You cannot start the surgery without the permission of the aneasthetists.

So if ever a post apocalyptic day comes in which there is a civil war among doctors where the aneasthetists go on strike and refuse to go to surgeries. Then we are all f*cked!
All the operations will be going haywire and it'll be just like a bunch of planes colliding into eachother.
(The jokes on the surgeon if his ex wife is the anaesthetist for him)

I remember a senior anaesthetist telling about a survey in which they said that the most stressful jobs in the world are
1. Being in the control tower of the airport
2. Being an anaesthetist
It's only now I realise that both are almost the same

Physicians - Dr x

I'm going straight to the point. Physicians are probably one for the most intelligent doctors of them all.

The problem with physicians is that....they are one of the most intelligent doctors of them all.

Let me explain

Now. These guys know sooooo much medicine. They know so much medical knowledge that they would have studied BDS and ayurveda "for the heck of it"
    But the problem is they don't get the patients with complicating symptoms like how they studied. So their knowledge would be just thrown around the place. The biggest example is rounds.
They take *gasp* foreeeever!

Here's an example


Chief: So what case is this?
Pg: sir hes a bronchitis case which got admitted yesterday.
Chief: any complications?
Pg: no signs apart from difficulty in breathing
Chief: Sure there isn't pneumothorax or any CVS related complications?
Pg: we've run the CT scan so we sure there isn't any but we expected during admission
Chief: Aaah. i remember during my college days we used to get only chronic obstructive pulmonary diseases only. We used to have a full ward of respiratory cases.. So what do you think should be done next kaushik?
Me: KILL ME NOW! *cough*...sorry sir. That was an impulse.

Thats my point. They have studied so much that they need to show that they studied so much.
Its the same logic in movies
Director :"Why do you want a shirtless scene?! This is a political drama!"
Actor :"I don't care! I worked out for 7 months. Before these 6 packs go i need to show them!"

Sometimes i feel when you go to a phycisian and say that you have just a fever they are just dissapointed
Doctor:" So is it just a fever? Any vomiting blood or body pain or chills? You sure?"
Me:" No thanks mate. Just a fever is enough for me"

They have all sorts of amazing knowledge......except the basic knowledge of eating or sleeping during the admission days
#sinceritykills

Since a number of respiratory diseases come. They require to auscultate the patient so that means.....wait for it....theyll actually use the steth! Woah! Before medicine posting i had the steth for just ornamental purpose. I felt like Lord Shiva and the steth was my snake

Now don't underestimate the work load. Even though the case won't require that much practical involvement. We get a looot patients during the admission day. You get this feeling like everyone gets sick together like a group forward in a whatsapp group.

Lets not forget about dengue season. That is like the tomorrowland for fever patients. So much admissions! Do you know how scary it is to get a fever during that time?! Youll start believing in karma then!
"OMG! Ive got a fever! I've worked in the dengue ward for too long! I knew it! I shouldnt have shouted at that patient! Ive got Denguuuuuuu.....what? My blood count is normal? Then ok. Phew"

I want to finish by saying i really respect these physicians. If they had more brain power then they would be able to lift objects with their mind
#drxmen

SKIN SAVERS

*Note: This article will will be half the length of any ordinary article because dermatologist have duty for only half a day*
       

    Now it is commonly said that dermatologists are considered the good looking of all the doctors. I didn't believe that because I've never seen any of them during lunch break. Then only it struck me that they finish their duty before lunch and they leave the premise as fast as possible.
     
And so when I went for my Dermatology posting I'll have to admit that they were right. They sure have flawless skin and hair. I would consider it more of a professional obligation. Because we wouldnt want to get our skin checked by someone who has the same proboem
"Do you have pimples? What a coincidence?! It looks just like mine! Hi 5!"

Dermatologists are like the cheerleaders of the medical world. Just like how in a college when you say that you sister is a cheerleader and everyone gets excited. In a hospital if you tell your friend that you sister is a dermatologist they'll be like "Wooow! Give me an intro! Be my best friend! Anything!"

I have to admit they have really good eyesight. Able to differentiate the different rashes. For me differentiating between a eczema and scabies is just like differentiating between coke and pepsi. Both look the same and they both mess up your body!

I remember when I was in 2nd year and went to get my pimples checked and they guy put the diagnosis as "Acne Vulgaris". I didn't know what that was and I just saw the word vulgar and in my mind I'm like "Who da f*ck you calling ugly you prick!"

It's not like all skin doctors have only morning OP. They also have their evening rounds...I'm sorry...I mean OP during the evening. It's like they thought "We not doing anything sooo. We don't we do the same thing?....again"

The beauty of Dermatology is that there is there is no emergencies.....maybe except the emergency of being pressured to get a PG seat from your family. I mean emergency allergic reaction comes under medicine so......score!

Hey enough sugarcoating the speciality! Telling the public you're a doctor - cool.
Telling youyou a dermatologist - not cool.
Because then they will bring all their secrets from..er...down under.
"Oh thank God you're a dermatologist! I've got this weird rash under my arm. Like there is some fluid coming out I think. Look at it! Oh and also my hair is falling out. See! A clump just fell out now"
Doctor: "Sure.... Ill see that after eating. Oh wait. No problem. I don't think I can ever eat again......in my life"

They have cool lives because they have time to do other stuff. I remember having this friend who was a dermatologist and so when we would go out to dinner as a group she would be there before us and I'll be like "Don't you have some dermatology doctor stuff to do or something?"

So whenever people ask you what scope dermatologists have. You can just say " I don't know ....a life?"

My stand up experiences.....so far

"So Hey let me introduce you to my friend kaushik. He's a stand up comedian"
Me: "say what?"

      It took me time to get used to that introduction

     So I've been doing a few stand up comedy performances here and there in open Mikes. Maybe it has been a brief journey. I just want to tell how the journey has been. .....before i forget about everything

      Now as you guys know I'm a doctor and i also do stand up comedy in my free time. That's not a very common combination. I remember sometimes before my performance the would give me introductions like "You would have seen so many doctors before in your life. But you never met a doctor like this before. For the first time ever. A doctor who says jokes" like as if im some freak show in a circus! The only thing missing is me being in a cage and a wooden sign saying "Don't feed the doctor"
      Its not like we doctors don't say jokes. Its just that the jokes are very.....dark.
Theyll be making jokes about heart attacks and you'll be scared to laugh thinking that you'll to hell if you laugh for it!
        I knew that it really got out of hand when somebody asked me "So apart from stand up comedy what do you do in your free time" and I'm like "......medicine?"

     

Origin story:-
       So my first ever stand up comedy performance was when I was in 12th grade. This was during an inter school competition. I didnt know how to come up with original material so i just did all my favourite Russel peters jokes which i remember.
I was so adorable
But I lost

       After that I returned to the comedy scene in college 3rd year in an inter college competition
I wasn't adorable anymore
And i still lost

       That's my problem. I have a severe lack of origin story. Some people will say a long sad story about how their dog died and to get over the depression they became stand up comedians. If you ask me why I became one i would be like "well i suck at singing. So I have no other option"

    I hate it when that happens when a group discuss about how they all went through depression when they were young and then they look at you expecting you to say something regarding that. And if you dont they give you this look like you are a spoit kid just because you never tried to kill yourself! Hey the only time I almost died when I was kid was when I choked on those albenliebe chocolates (we need to ban those)
I still get dreams of being chased by a big albenliebe chocolate!

Not so funny problems:-
Being a stand up we have our share of problems. The second you say your a comedian theyll be like "Oh really? I'll be the judge of that. Tell a joke"
The solution to that is that we should keep a set of insults ready like

1. "You do know whats the difference between a horse and your mum. One is a 300 pound animal.....the other is a horse" or 2."I don't need to tell a joke. You see one everyday in the mirror"
That will shut them up....at the same time you have chances of getting knocked out.

And also we got this strange way of being introduced. This good looking girl is introducing me to her friends like "Oh this is Kaushik. He's a comedy guy"
Me:"Hey!.....thats Doctor comedy guy for you!"
 
Any person who started stand up comedy always have this one question in their heads. "I am probably the most funniest guy ever.....until that 5 minutes i am on stage. After that I become funny again"
Seriously. There are those moments when you say a joke and you think this joke is going to kill it. And everyone is just staring at you back in silence. And that silence will seem to go on forever. You'll start thinking "Why am i doing this to myself? Cheh. Maybe my parents were right about me"  or "I should just stick to dancing" or
"BOO HOO HOO! MUMMY! I WANT TO GO HOME....*sniff*"
Sometimes well crack this really stupid dad joke which we saw in the back or a newspaper and everyone will start laughing and you'll be like "really?"

Understanding the audience:-
Relatability is a huge factor. You've got to adjust your jokes according to the audience. There was this one day where I was doing jokes about fifa, mourinho parking the bus and about gameboys. Nothing! Not a single sound. All the references were flying over their head just like a stormtrooper shooting. The next guy comes and makes jokes about itching and also about how underwear doesn't dry in a boys hostel and everyone is giggling. The only noise you can hear between people laughing is me banging my head on the wall

Go fly:-
Oh. If you want my advice when it comes to this. Mine is dress up properly. Go like you are going on a first date or you going to say sorry to your wife after you forgot your anniversary. Because nomatter how good the other stand up did or nomatter how much you bombed it. The photos are all going to come out the same ;-) . Theres a pic of me in like a waistcoat with a really good pose. The truth is. I was in that pose for some 5 minutes cos I had frozen and i had no clue what to say!
#mannequinchallenge

Product placement-
So after some difficult and bad open Mikes. I think I'm in a pretty good state. I've got like a few sets of jokes which actually gets a few laughs. Im also a part of this comedy group called "Comedy processing Unit" who really have been helping me out and are really good for upcoming stand up comedians. One second.....*accepting a big briefcase of cash from a random stranger*....ah thank you. Now where were we?

    So I guess I'll wrap this up by saying if you ever laughed at when you were small. Make them pay for it.....literally ;-)
#idoitforthelols

Burning the house down ep 2! 90s "kids" Vs 2000s kids!

Yo yo yo! It's going to get hot in here because it's time for another episode of "Burning down the house" your favourite rap battle blog with your host Mahalik

Tonight is gonna be the most common debate which happens at every house which we are all sick off!
90s kids Vs 2000 kids
To represent the 90s we got our own 90s kid - Kaushik!
Kaushik: "dude I'm 25. Stop calling me a kid"
Mahalik: "And representing the millennials we have la diablo! Why is your name that?"
Kaushik: "hehe it's my blog. I can call him whatever I want"
Mahalik : "Ya..  very mature of you. Alright. Enough buildup. Let's get this on. You! Diablo! Since you were born first. You get to go first!

Yo DJ SPIN THAT SHIT

LA DIABLO
Don't worry Gramps. Try to look alive
Well finish the rap battle off before your naptime

You had no access to any TV you ancient mess!
Your only childhood crush is a Disney Princess!

You didn't have smart phones. What do you want me to do about that?
The only way you could talk was the landline in your apartment flat!

You people are delusional just like backstreet boys!
You guys have wrinkles yet you still play with toys!

We have the whole world in our hands thanks to social media. Yes sir!
You guys still can't find our difference between yahoo and msn messenger

After this rap. I've got to chat with this girl from Mexico.
It's sad because you couldn't even give your next door neighbour a go!

Grow up man. Please snap out of the past!
The world is changing. You need to adapt fast!

Nomatter how much you say about all that we have have missed
The truth you always wanted a life like this!

Crowd: WOOOOOOAH!

Mahalik: "ok that just pissed me off also. Do u want to say something or shall we just call this parents?"
Kaushik: Naa. I got this. Let's get this done quickly. I'm sleepy already. DJ SPIN THAT SHIT!

KAUSHIK

Ok first thing first! keep the backstreet boys out of this
They are so much better than this modern EDM piss!

People usually get killed by animals like bears or maybe a crab
But you are the only idiots to get killed by a blue whale app!

And as for Kiki. Does she love you? Does she like your groove!
Don't care! Because the car behind is asking you to MOVE!

I've done all the sports you can possibly know.
The only way you've exercised is Pokémon go!

And as for for your smartphone. Its way smarter than you!
Let me cut your wi fi! Now what you gonna do?

You know only about social media? Please don't make me laugh
You merely adapted to it by the time you were 12 and a half

Shout-out to Bane because I know more about social media than you ever can
I was born with it, moulded by it and by the time wi fi came I was already a man!

We all know the truth Your just a spoilt brat!
The truth is...I'm the kid your mum wished she always had!

Crowd: DAAAAAIM!

Mahalik: Get the fire extinguishers cos this place is on fire!!
Ok who won? You guys decide! See you on the next episode of BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN! PEACE!