Caf-fiends! Rise of the coffee zombies!

It's a dimlit room and I'm standing there infront of a cage with a white sheet over it and I'm writing notes on a pad
*Turning around*
Oh hi. There you guys are. Was working on an experiment.
The country has been concerned about the state of the alcoholics and the drug addicts. Making movies like Udta Punjab....then banning them....then releasing them again. But the country has always showed a blind eye to the main concern....coffee lovers!
      We all have that coffee lover in the gang. Coffee is just like the spinach for popeye. Everytime you see them drink it you feel the Popeye music play in the background. Da da da da da daaaaa. Toot toot!
      A coffee drinker can never start the day without his coffee. I mean he will be prepared to take a day holiday if they say they have run out of coffee. Or he will travel by any means necessary and get it and then decide to go to his family funeral!. Even if there is a meteor shower and the world is getting destroyed. They'll be like like "nu huh. I am not running anymore without my evenin coffee. Has coffee day been destroyed? No? Then a coffee with extra decaf!"
       There are some people who are satisfied with anything which is similar to coffee as long as they get it. There is an even worse category. Wherever they go they will start complaining and bitching about the coffee in that place! Nomatter where! They'll start comparing it with some random place they had coffee. (Mostly it'll be a dream of a hallucination) Then they will tell their (unfortunate) friend about how much they hate it...but then they'll drink it after that! The friend will be like "say whatever you want! As long as you pay the bill!"
           There are also the travellers. The people who will travel to a different place to drink coffee. Yep. Exactly! We will put 300 worth of petrol. Go in a car and then go to Starbucks and spend 200 on some overpriced coffee! That day even if the milk is expired and the coffee is terrible. We will still love it! Because our backsides hurt from sitting for so long in the car and we payed so much for the petrol so we might as well enjoy it? Me? Oh I'm just a companion. I give the idea to them. "Dude? Are you sure you don't want to have coffee? You can survive a night without it? What? We are going to get coffee now? U sure? Hey! Yr choice!" Hey! I can't resist a good road trip with the boys!
        Just like all addictions. Everyone develops tolerance. Everyone loves drinking coffee in the middle of the night. Do you know why we all started doing it in the first place? *Back and white flashback* Once upon a time as college kids we had to study for an exam. So we all decided to keep to drink coffee to continue study in the night. Works once. Maybe twice. But after some 36 times.....the trend continues​. Same thing as always. All of us get ready at midnight, put our hoodies on (which we weren't able to wear for months), go to bus stand, drink the strongest coffee they have...then sleep! #caffeineresistant
       Now you know which coffee we all love? The coffee we first get in the morning to brush off our cobwebs/ recover from hangover. The coffee which our mummys give into the morning. So this there is a certain sentiment value to it. So when you go to your mum and say "this is the best coffee in the world" your mum will be like "really? I just added 2 spoons of coffee powder...but ok sure. Whatever you say!"
       Now as a doctor. Coffee is our cocaine. For our sleep deprived lives. We need it for survival. You see a doctor give a reaction after each sip of coffee. Same reaction as Leonardo DiCaprio gives when he snorts cocaine in wolf of wall street!
 When doctors are young we want to make it as decaf as possible. As stroooooongly as possible. But once they grow up they naturally become more health conscious. So the coffee cup will become smaller and the sugar level will be....what sugar level? I'll be just sitting there sipping on nothing which just tastes...brown. by the time I figure out the taste of it...I would have finished all the "coffee" in that small cup
         Have you seen the expression the cats give if you ask them to sit? They give the expression "What the f*ck did you just ask me?" And then they go and scratch your curtains! Same reaction when you give when you give a coffee lover a glass of tea! They'll give a look of "What the f*ck is this?!" And then they'll go and stratch the nearest person they see! Hissss! Scratch!
       Soooo this brings out my area of concern. Let me show you my experiment
*Taking curtain down from the cage*
 Then they show a girl standing with her hair all over her head, eyes sunken and she looks all pale and she starts biting the bars and moans "coffee.....cooooffeee"
Me:" This is yazhini! She was a coffee lover but we have made sure that she has had no coffee for the past er....47 hours. Slowly she's lost her chirpiness and she's become this trance. She bites any person she sees. She roams around with her arms stretched.
*Then I flick a coffee bean into the cage and she starts biting it like an animal*
So the government should realise that the number of coffee drinkers are more than the number of coffee plantations.
 At one point we should be ready for everyone to transform Into these caffiend zombies! The apocalypse is upon us! *Putting armour on*
      There is only one weapon against this!
*Stuffing tea leaves into a bullet and pointing the gun*......tea!
*Bang bang!!!!*
    

Epic rap battles: Engineers Vs Doctors

It's an underground passage reading to darkness. What could be at the end at tunnel? The suicide squad planning a return gig? A line of crocodiles just waiting for dumb teenagers to eat
     Instead we see a group of hip hop enthusiasts and we see Mahalik Phifer (the black dude from scary movie 3 who had the long hair and comes for the rap battle. You know. The hero's friend).
There's a stage set. Well got the DJ. We got bouncers also ready and wr have 2 people ready to have a rap battle. Ok to keep it simple this is just the exact scene from the movie 8 mile.
               
       

Mahalik Phifer: Yo yo yo! What's up all the people in the house. We have seen it all! We seen 8 mile! We seen east coast Vs west coast but have we seen a engineer Vs doctor rap off? Only here! Only now! Let's go!

On the blue side. We have our BE graduate who just made sure that he got placed to this battle to takeover the house! SANTHOSH!
Let me hear you engineers make some noise and show who the real VIP is!!
*Audience screaming*

On the red side. We got our homeboy Doctor. Who dispite his busy schedule said he has all the time in the world to kick some engineering ass! Dr phenomenal! Kaushik!
Give him a mersal sound!
*Other side of audience screaming*

*In background*
3 people are like "Biochemistry! Whooo"
 Mahalik Phifer: "What the? Who lets these biochemists in? Security! Security! Get their asses out of here!

Enough talk! Let's get this rap battle started! DJ! Spin that shit!
*Beat starting*

Santhosh representing Engineering:-
"Ok ok. Time for this party to begin. I'm even amazed this dude came in.

You guys say your life is work. Your home is the hospital
So even when you die you don't get a day off from work at all

We the engineers. We built the place!
We call the shots so trust me you aren't even a part of the race!

Mechanical, electrical, chemical, computer science
Our variety is unbound! We never tied down for life!

You guys are so boring. You just work and have nothing going on
So let me ask you a question doc? How can you even save lives if you don't even have one

It's hard for us to meet cos we will be going places.
We been all over the world meeting different faces

But sorry dude your world, country and place is the hospital.
Even the patients getting discharged would be like "do you even go out at all?"

Hey hey all the gorgeous girls are in the tech world now.
This is something you'll never know. Go cry now

All of us together we are an unstoppable force.
The VIPs of the nation. You wish you would have done this course.

Before I drop the mike. The public has one question
Were you really the ones who killed Michael Jackson?

Audience: Ooooooooh!

Mahalik Phifer: Daaaaaaim! And I thought the neet exam was hard against doctors! But this was savage!
Hey Doc! You think you can heal from that one? Your pulse ok? Heart rate still there?
Me: "Na mate. I got this!"
Mahalik Phifer: "That's all the first aid you'll get! Ok DJ spin that shit!

Kaushik (yay me) representing doctors:-
Ok ok let me deal with this little piss.
I cannot believe that I used my available leave for this

In 300 to be a Spartan you got to grow with the wolves
We push ourselves to the limit cos we will never lose

Your knees are heavy, arms weak, palms are sweaty
I diagnose you lost this rap battle already

I'll give it to you kids. You build the nation
But Wen you kids break. You'll have to come to our station

We the superman of this place! You're always scared of people you don't believe!
I guess that we are the correct people to ask "Do you bleed?"

We don't have lives? Please don't waste my time!
We do way more things than you. We just don't sit and whine!

Youre right! You got you life on your hands! I'll give you that!
We got the life of others also! Don't think you can do that!

All the hot girls are in engineering? Wrong! Here's something you should know
Miss world is a doctor! Whoops! I told you so!

So an Bcom degree is all you will get!
Because the real meaning of engineering is medical reject!!

Audience: "Wooooooohoooooohoooo"

Mahalik Phifer: " woah woah woah! This place is on fire! You guys tore the house down! Who won? You decide! See you on the next episode of epic rap battles!!

Pon"gala" time!

Holla! Holla! Holla! Welcome to a new year! It's been 2 weeks so I'm sure we've already broken all our resolutions!
        I'm here to talk about the first government holiday of the year for us south Indians. Yep! You guessed it. Pongal!
       It's on the second week of January so that means just when you think you recovered from your new year hangover and you think. "Ok it's time to be productive." Then boom! Next holiday!
           As for us doctors we might still be working that day but the good news is that we'll have less patients that day.
 *Audience in background: aaaaaw!*
Oh shut up! It's not that we won't celebrate pongal. Well just celebrate it late. Infact give me a beer. I'm going to celebrate pongal now. Hehe. You can picture doctors arranging sugarcane in the middle of may
"Hey what are you guys doing?"
"We celebrating pongal now! Now only I got leave!"
I think I would have celebrated new year some 4 times till now

 Now I feel I should explain about pongal for all the north indians in south India who are totally oblivious to their surroundings
They'll be sitting in their office canteen when everyone is on holiday like "Arey! why is the rice today brown, sticky and tastes like sugar? And where is everyone today?!"
Aaah it's like how we Tamil dudes are during holi
2 guys will be sitting and eating dinner then suddenly
*Smash*
Guy 1: argh! Dude why did u put chilli powder on my face?!
Guy 2: I don't know. It's apparantly they do. Er...holi hai macha!

  One thing we look forward to in pongal apart from the obvious holiday is they make a large amount of sacrapongal (a very sugary rice). Aaand also sugar cane (says in the name). Soooo just when you thought you escaped diabetes during diwali. Pongal is here to get all the remaining survivors. I know what u thinking. Being a diabetologist in india. Double jackpot! #sugaryesplease
     Now pongal is a 3 day holiday. Unless you are unlucky to get it on a weekend like this year. The first day is

Bhogi:-
    This is when we discard old belongings and bring new possessions. Inother words...this is the Indian version of the once a year spring cleaning of the house! That's the times our parents wake us up..make us clean the place and then we'll find all the stuff which we lost yeaaars ago. It's usually in this day where they find treasure maps in Tamil fantasy movies. The most common dialogue in bhogi is "waaait a minute. If tomoro is the main pongal day? Why are we having a holiday today? Aaah. Who cares? Zzzzz"

Thai pongal:-
        The maaaaaain event! The big day! Pongalmania! The day where are the girls are forced to wake up bloody too early in the morning to pick the rangolis! (Feminists in 2023 will be like "why should we women put only rangolis! Let the guys do it!") And the guys wake up later sleepy (or hungover) for a fresh plate of diabetes (oh they make pongal in a pot and they serve it. Bit too dark na?). A common scenario in my house and I'm sure in most houses is when they full family is ready with full pooja preparations. The harvest god is ready for his offerings. But nooo! I'm still in the shower!
       But it's nice. The house will be decorated with banana leaves and the flowers. It'll be like a  nice natural makeover to the house. But what isn't fresh is when they don't bother to take it off till February or march. So unless it gets infected or falls down or a breeding ground for a few diseases. Then ya. Maybe we should take it off

Maatu pongal:-
 Maatu pongal is considered quite an after thought we dont mind
*MOOOOO BITCH! GET OUT OF THE WAY"
me: Holy cow!
"You can say that again!"
Ooooogaay. There is a talking cow in my blog. Is this really happening?
Holy cow: oh yes it is! Now since moo were talking about the mattu pongal. I feel I should butt in.
Me: ya you broke the fourth wall on the way in. But do continue"
Holy cow: Now it is said that cows are worshipped in India. Maybe they just say that but i really don't think sooo. But that day. Oh moo good. We are also worshipped.
Me: "ok why is the talking cow behaving like a teenage girl?
*Looking girl* oh...a gay cow. You don't see this everywhere. This is a free world after all."
     And this is like our makeover spa day once a year. Cos they dooo moo so much for us. They paint our horns. Wash us again and again. And we play games like tag...catch and catch
Me: you mean jalikattu
Cow: whatever! And those bull races! Wow! Kiss moo ass horses! This is just like the south Indian version of deathrace. On collisions with those horns and you are dead. And best part is its a holiday so you call can see it! Yaaaay!
Me:ok you do know that humans also take part in mattu pongal right?
Cow: Oh moo good! Nobody cares! Please! You got 2 days of pongal. Give us a day! You guys are just like a moo point that day. A cows opinion. Nobody cares! Your just moo!
Me: so that is where Joey Tribbiani got line from! Argh!. I'm thinking. If I hit you right now...will I get Into trouble from gay rights or from religion? Well...thank you for the explanation. Couldn't have said more...er... graphically myself! Give it up for blessum the fabulous holy cow!!

So here's from the both of us wishing all of you a happy pongal /happy Sunday (hehehe) and have a great time with your family!
*Sitting on blessum*
Come on boy...er...I mean girl. Let's go.

The Chamber of horrors! An Oh GeeZ reality!

It was a cold dark night where there wasn't a single soul in a dark forest. An owl is hooting in the background and there are yes of wild animals shining in the background. Just like a scene from a Tim Burton movie The only people to walk this lonely scene was a male crri called Agnes and a female crri called Ansara

Agnes: "I really cannot believe we are actually going to a middle of a forest at this time"
Ansara: "oh shut up. Im a girl walking in the dark with you. So if someone should be worried. It's got to be me"
Agnes: "That is just low. So anyway where are we going?"
Ansara: "When a girl asked you to come out you just come running without asking any details. Typical you. But they said he'll be here somewhere. Waaait....
"Who?"
Suddenly in the darkness a wolf howling from behind and they both turn around and suddenly from behind a huge bonfire just emerges and on the side of the bonfire they see a grizzled up 20 year old with a wooden leg and torn up clothes formal clothes. On top of all that he's wearing a white coat with blood stains and other colours (we just hope is just paint) like he just murdered a rainbow. He sitting on top of a log and just stares in the distance. As they look into those eyes they see a total lack of sleep and they look of "I've seen way too much"
  Agnes: "Well we better be happy that this is a blog because I'm sure we could never get the production cash for this scene"
 Female: "Allow me to introduce you to strago and we are here....for our handover for OG posting"

Both of them sat huddled next to the fire as this stranger just sat feeding the lizard

Agnes: "Howdy!
Strago: *shouting* Look at you two! Enjoying life!!
Agnes:"ok why is this psychopath shouting?"
Ansara:" I think he lost his hearing. Must have heard too many loud noises"
Strago:" Thinking that you finished the hardest of postings! That you're crri life has seen the worst. Ooooh you guys have not seen the craziest side which medicine has to offer. You guys have definitely not gone to OG posting
Agnes: "Ok now that is just ridiculous. I finished my medicine posting. I have seen more than 80 cases in my medicine posting and I have slept for some 2 hours during the admission day so I am sure that had to be the hardest"
Strago: "Ooooooh the that little line of self consolation I was having too. I repeated those lies to myself over and over again! That I had seen medicine posting and that is the hardest as it can get. But what is normal work place psychology? They give you some work. You do it wrong and then they get angry with you. Naturally! Ok but in this scenario. They first shout at you....then they tell you what to do! At that point you won't be feeling bad that you did something wrong. You'll be like "what the f*ck just happened" or "am I on a prank show? Is this really happening?"

  Ansara: "So how is the labour ward?"
 Strago: "Oh you mean the chamber of horrors? Oh ya. That's what we call it because 1. It is a horrible place
And 2. Do you know how in harry potter there was a basilisk which would slither around and if you look into its eyes your dead. Well same here! You just by accident give eye contact to any of the PGs there you're dead! They'll somehow give you work!
Strago: Do you know that Sheela ma'am?
Agnes: oh she is just looking wow! She's the reason I had some attendence to write exam. I would go just too her
Strago: I had a crush on her...
Agnes: you are speaking on behalf of half the men in college
Strago: She is just wow!
Agnes: wow na wow!
Strago: double wow!
Agnes: so much wow that I can make dog noises all day "wowowoow...
Ansara: OMG! You shameless idiots! Shes married and has 2 kids.
Agnes and strago together:....so what's your point?
Ansara: wait a minute.....had a crush? Why the past tense? What happened?
Strago: *sigh* I used to like her until I entered the labour ward. And then i saw her shout there. I do not how that place changes a person like that. I swear to God I imagined her growing fangs and then her head would start spinning. I was so scared I was about to stab her with a crucifix. *Wiping tear* oh that was the day I started drinking.

Strago: Sometimes seeing some of these people who work in IT companies who keep on complaining about their work atmosphere. About how they changed company because they felt the wallpaper was dark or they felt the cabins were too small and majority of cases are because the good looking intern would have rejected them.
I want to take those choosy bastards and throw them into a labour ward and let them see what a work atmosphere really is!
Because in a labour ward it's like a bunch of screaming witches all sat in a room, rehearsed and then put a mike in front of them and tried singing rock music! It's that loud!
I'm not kidding. The patients are screaming in pain. The PGs are shouting at the patients​,at the house surgeons...the nurses are shouting at the workers....the workers are shouting at the walls and the wheelchairs. It's like a competition to outdo eachother....hehe. and you thought pediatrics was loud! This posting didn't take my sanity...but it took my hearing!

*Suddenly Ansara takes her phone out*
Agnes: who are you flirting with?!
Ansara: nothing. My aunt just send a pic of her son. So cute na?
Guy: that's a boy?
Girl: strago! You see this *showing phone to him*
Strago: Aaaaah! Keep that away from me! Don't show it to me!
Ansara: what? How could you say that about him? He's so cute!
Strago: Not after you see where they come from!
Agnes: What an earthquake are you talking abou..... OooooOoooh. *Snatching phone from girl and throwing it away*

Guy: So how long do they let you go eat?
Strago: ahahahah! Oh that is a good joke! You really think that they will let you go eat while they don't eat themselves. I don't know who are more meaner. The PGs who don't let you eat....or the ones who tell you to go eat lunch at 4 o clock. By that time they would have started dinner preparation!

Now I want to say a quick story about a leeetle girl who just wanted to become a doctor. But by some twist of fate which was played by the devil itself she had no option but to become a gynaecologist. So that girl was smiling to all the patients to all her co-workers but we all knew that wasn't going to last long. Second year she had juniors to let out all that stress and she started feeling that smiling was a lot of hard work and she preferred losing her shit. By the time she reached final year she was so crazy even the Hulk was like "Shhhh. Calm down. You are crazy woman. Don't bite me!"
Agnes: Oh deary me. Is it because she took OG that she became all crazy and started shouting at people
Strago:.....no. thats just how every girl is when they grow up. Hahahaha!
Agnes:Hahahaha!
Ansara: Really? We are still doing those cliche "girls getting angry" jokes still?
Guy: who cares? It's 2018 and it's still funny!?

I remember (this really happened) I was putting an injection for a patient and behind a lady was screaming in labour pain. Suddenly she was like "I can't take this. I'm going home" and she got off the bed and she starting walking off. I'm like "oi! Whr is she going? I am not trained for this! There is no gynac book which has the chapter "what to do when your fully dilated pregnant patient walks from the bed" The worker just went to her and *phat*  she slapped him and told her to go back to bed. After that I'm looking at the patient I was putting an injection on ".......planning on going anywhere? No? Good!"

I remember a situation (again this is true) where there were 3 ladies screaming at the same time fully pregnant on 3 different BDS and I'm standing in the middle of them pointing my fingers at them like a Mexican stand off saying "Go on...make a move. I dare you. I'm ready. Whoever comes first. This ward ain't big enough for all 3 of us"

Now how do you know the blood level of the patient?
Ansara: oh that's easy. You take their cbc level and...
Strago: such an amateur you are. These OG pgs have so much medical knowledge they will just look at a patient "hmmm. Ok looks a bit anemic. I'm sure she has some 9 level haemoglobin. Get her 2 units"
You'll be like "how the hell? Does this woman have inbuilt blood scanning vision? Even the terminator can't do that with his scanner!" It's a bit like the opera winfrey show "You get a unit blood! You get a blood! Eeeeveryone gets a unit blood!"
PG: She looks anemic! Give her a unit blood!
Girl: "wait what? I'm a crri!"
Pg:doesn't matter. Infuse a unit for her!
Also they think that getting blood is like buying a drink from a vendor machine. If you type your order you'll get it instantly. They don't know it's a pretty long process. So while you are walking to the blood bank they will keep on calling you like a diabetic patient who just wants his candy! "Did you get it? Did you? What?! Get it quickly! I need it! GET MY PRECIOUS CANDYYYYYY"

Ansara: OK THATS IT!
Agnes:.....oh shit!
Ansara:  I did not travel all the way to the middle of a forest with this creep...(Guy: ya. I love you too).... to just listen to you telling cliche detoriating jokes about woman! We know that it is a highly sensitive speciality! I came here to get some tips about how to handle the labour ward! So you are telling me that or I will rip of your head and stuff it up your ass soooo deep that they would have to perform a Cesarian to take it out of your bladder! *Holding a knife at stragos throat*

Strago: Dai dai dai! Where did she get the knife from?
Agnes: hey! Don't look at me. I don't know her close enough to know where she keeps all that.
Strago: ok ok! I'll tell you! Control yourself woman!

Chocolate:
Now PGs are just like dementors! They suck all the happiness away from you. so unfortunately we are all muggles and cannot do patronuses. We can eat chocolate to recover from a dementor attack. I mean hey! It's scientifically impossible to feel bad while eating chocolate
(Sorry to all the poeple who haven't read harry potter..... actually no. It's your fault that you didn't read such an amazing book)

Headphones:-
Rock songs to make you let out the anger and melody songs to soothe you. You can listen to these whenever you want to! Let it be writing notes or walking to the blood bank.

Blank space:-
You need to learn the ability of spacing out. Blanking out. When they go nuts and start shouting at you. You must learn the ability of blocking your ears and allow your favourite song to play in your head. Or you can remember your favourite goal from yesterday's game and instead of the football you can imagine your favourite football player kicking the PGs head. Just consider as your battle armour so that what they say does not penetrate you
Agnes:hehe...that's wat she said..
Ansara: I swear to God I will stab you first!

Happy place movie;-
Get a nice happy movie like a Disney movie or a superhero movie which you love. So all the times you go to the blood bank and wait for them to get your order (sounds like an McDonald's order). You can see a few scenes by then. Trust me. They will send you to get blood so many times that you will finish a full movie trilogy. Hopefully some enternal spotless for your mind

Be there but not there:-
The main thing of labour ward is you should look busy. Not being busy.. looking busy. Just keep walking with one determined look and a fast pace like you are going to find an empty room to change into your Superhero outfit to save the world. Your expression must be so intense that they would be like "Ok. I better not ask him where he was. He's walking so fast he's definitely going to stamp my foot". So every hour use this walk....and just walk out of the ward. Go out...put yr timer for 7 minutes (or however long you feel you can pull it off)...chill...do some stretches.... Listen to your favourite rolling stones song and then once yr timer finishes...waaaaalk back in with that determined pace! Repeat every 45minutes to maintain yr sanity (done and proven by your author ;))

Strago: Now that you have heard what is to be done...time for to take yr leave..STRAGO OUT!....muahahaha...
*Bonfire forming a tornado and then when it goes out they see that strago is missing*
Ansara: wow. That was a dramatic exit
Agnes: yaaa. It's quite a coincidence also that there is a guy running in the background with his pants on fire!
BYE STRAGO! LIE DOWN AND ROLL! THAT WILL PUT OUT THE FIRE!