PSYCH!

      "Madness is only in the mind"
              -Mysterio (The villian from Spiderman)
   
      "I'll be the judge of that mate!"
          -My psychiatry professor

Ok for the record. Psychiatrists will not hypnotise you with a circular object when you come for consultation. So don't expect any spinny trippy stuff whenever you go.

Psychiatry deals with mental disorders. So this is a posting in which you can't diagnose the patient by just looking out of the window.

One interesting part about psychiatry posting is that by the end of it. You'll be convinced that you have a mental disorder. I remember i was taking the history for this mania patient and by the end of it i was convinced that i had mania. She was like "I'm happy most of the time..i really like singing and dancing. I travel alone wherever i want to"
And I'm like "uh huh....ya one more question. Are we related by any chance?"

Dealing with the psychiatry outpatients is totally different from the other outpatients. Other specialities you can just tell them and theyll leave. Whereas here we can't talk much sense into them so we gave to be patient and understanding (and carefuc)
Once a patient started cursing us.
Im like "What do we do now?" And my friend was like "Just don't give eye contact and act like your busy"
Me:"Oh thats easy. I do that every exam with the examiner.

Another problem after posting is we'll start diagnosing everyone we see.
If we see our friend sitting outside and humming a song to himself we'll be like "Looks like hes talking to himself. He must be schizophrenic.......that answers so many questions"

Do you know how in every marriage girls always go to their friends and be like "hey...next is you i think"
Ya ...we guys do the same when it comes to the de addiction ward

A survey/rumour is said that psychiatrists get the most divorces.
My guess is that - Do you know when you have a fight with your wife do you know how we think "God! Confirm she's crazy!"
I think psychiatrists just diagnose them!
"Hmmm. You were happy today morning and then you started showing signs of anger with a short span of time. I believe you are showing symptoms of bipolar disorde....*getting hit by frying pan*

Damn! Imagine you trying to thrash talk a person during a game and and they just diagnose you! There's no coming back from that!
Me: "I'm gonna beat you so bad! Your momma won't recognize you and she'll send you for adoption"
Opponent: "uh huh. I believe that you blame other people's relationship with their parents in order to hide your insecurities with your family"
Me: *wiping tear*....You son of a bitch!

Another big question people have is the difference between psychiatrists and psychologists.
Psychiatry is more about clinical diagnosis.
So if you go with your depressions regarding a breakup to a psychiatrist he'll be like "My God. This is a next level case. For you medication isn't enough. You need shock treatment!"

Have you seen the expression doctors give when psychologists call themselves doctors.
Theyll be like "you think your a doctor? Soooo cute. *Pinching cheek* adorable! You go da rainbow! Be what you want! Cho chweet"

A tip to all the daredevils who are dating doctors. If you ever feel that the conversation is getting dull. Just ask them if they saw anything interesting in psychiatry posting. Boom! They will bring that flashback for some 10 minutes...and that will buy you time to make your escape.

Psychiatrist "This is a very interesting case. It seems like a bipolar case with huge effects of rage. Must be dealt with great caution otherwise you could get injured.
Me:"....er....sir. That's the gynaecology PG"

The Pot of Gold under the rainbow

*warning* the upcoming blog article will be more of a rant than medical puns so plug in your earplugs.

So recently in India section 377 was overturned which meant that homosexuality was decriminalised. 

Naturally that sparks a lot of debate in social media (noone argues face to face anymore)

So my only view about this

HOW ON EARTH IS THIS A DEBATE?!

We have all these people saying it shouldn't be legal. It isnt right or natural.

People say that they are against gay marriages.

Sooo let me get the logic behind this mate!

You are against people......for being themselves?!

 Woo. That sounds like a lot of unnecessary emotion.

Homosexuality is a part of a person's nature. Its who they are.

Which totally doesnt concern you.

My friends have had their insightful views on the situation

"The judgement is not only for members of the LGBTQA+ society, it is for us heterosexuals to understand our responsibility in truly carrying out spirit of the judgment. To be understanding that just a judgement does not change ground reality and how hard it still is to come out to a society, more specifically our Indian society."
 -Champagnemausi

"It most certainly looks like that day when homosexuality becomes accepted in society, is the same day when intercaste marriages will be totally accepted."
-KOPS

People make it sound like some bad habit people picked up in the States or something.

How would that conversation sound "Yo bro. Its spring break. What shall we try? Weed? Meth or heroin?"

Second dude :"I've got a worse idea. Let's date men. Omg. If my parents find out. Theyll kill me? Lets try it"

Really? And i thought I was the dumb one!

People sit and talk about the plight of how homosexual people are. 

I'll put in an easy way to understand

Lets put an alternate universe in which homesexuality is the majority and people are against straight people

So I go to my parents and be like

"Dad I like women"

Dad: Omg how could you? We never expected this from you! How can we tell people outside?

Me: "Oi. Stop making it look like i murdered someone. That's just what I am. I like women. What on earth can you do? Force me to marry a guy against my will? Or kill me? Hehe......oh wait a minute."

Seriously. People will be saying about how there are more homosexual people in foreign countries. The truth is there are as many homosexual people here but they may have been forced to marry someone against the will or heaven knows what?

Now the people who are against the homosexuality. 

The homophobics!

The Sexual Nazis.

 I understand from your side. Maybe you find it unnatural. That it is wrong......cool....ok......THEN FUCKING DONT DO IT!

Mind your own buisness!

Just let people be who they are and who be whoever you are. 

Its not like they are hurting anyone.

So stop spoiling our news feed with yr negative hate statuses you hitler wannabes!

Its a Wednesday afternoon. Don't you have a job or something?

I love another group of people who say "is this is a disease? Is it a psychological disorder"

I as a doctor am fascinated. If this is a disease what is the medication? Are there like some tablets to straighten them out?

So you got to take them 3 times a day? So if you take 2 tablets and i miss one ..does that mean the guy taking it will like women for 18 hours and then he'll revert back to liking men for the remaining hours?

#miraclepillonly

If you want to know what my point is after all this is. - Just let people be who they are. Its their life. Not yours! Stahp!

So my reaction to the overruling section 377 is "About fucking time! What took you so long?" 

Surgery - Magic Medicos XXL

I like surgery better than medicine
*Collective gasps in the audience*
That's right! Yeah! I said it! It was one incident during my internship which made me make up my mind!

It was surgery posting and there were some 6 patients in the ward and after we finished a rather brief rounds me and all the senior doctors started walking somewhere. I'm like "Soooo Sir are we going to the other ward or to the OP" and my PG was like "First we go to the canteen!"

 That's all it took

I remember confronting my medicine PG after that "All those patients we had in the ward!! We had some 50 patients! Did you take me once to the canteen? No! Not a single thought about whether I was hungry it not! For the amount of cases I saw. I should have been taken to a candle light dinner on a daily basis!"

Trust me we take our refreshments seriously!
So me being me would keep on hogging all the food during our canteen visits like some tanned pig (regardless of the fact I did work or not). I kind of impressed them in a way. One girl would be really sincere and she didn't have much of an appetite though so they would be snapping at her like "ya ya. You can give that blood infusion to the patient. Don't just keep on asking random doubts like that in the canteen and disturb us ok?!. Can't you see Kaushik is eating?!"


Another incident in which I knew I was a surgeon was during Medicine rounds when we went to a patient and the PG was like "So in this patient you can hear the abnormal breath sounds. So Kaushik you try listening to it with your stethoscope."
Me: *slowly taking stethoscope from patients chest and putting it around my neck*.....sir I can't hear anything except my own thoughts saying "I feel stupid"
PG: Then your a confirmed surgeon!

Theres that common internet joke about how surgeons are people who do everything but don't know anything. And I'm reply to that all I can say is - We don't need to know anything else! We know the procedure and the required anatomy and that's all we need to know! As for all the other stuff that's why we have you other specialists!

Whenever I see the surgeons repeatedly keep calling physicians for medical opinions. I get this image of these big jocks in college who keep on forcing the nerds to do their homework or they'll beat them up

Now have you seen that scenario where there's this big school bully. And just when he is about to cause more havoc his mum calls him
"Ok boys we are going to that playground and kick all those nerds. Then we go and stick bubblegum on their hair and.....what mum? I have to come for tea? But MUUUUUUUUUM I was about to go play in the park....ok fine. I'll come *walking slowly while sulking*"

That is the same scene when it comes these surgeons and anaesthetists
"OK we can perform a explorative laporatomy on the patient and then we can excise the.....yes ma'am? Patient blood count is low? And loose stools? But MAAAAAAAAM we were about to shift the patient!...ok fine. We won't *walking slowly while sulking*

There are small joys when it comes to operations. Like after a long surgery you sit down and........ That's it. Sitting down!
You have no idea how good it feels.
And those snacks after a long surgery. Aaaah. Outdated samosa and sugarless coffee and never tasted so good.

You want to see something scary? After a long surgery. Tell your chief that there aren't any snacks....then smoke your last cigarette because that's the last thing you will say

These junior surgeons are so eager. They are like those new people in a gang who are eager to go on a mission "sir can I do it? Sir can I do it? I'm ready! I'm ready! I've got my knife sharpened" and they'll have to keep on working up the ranks. Making the cheif happy (and full). Then only he'll get the nod of approval

I know I'm making this sound very chauvinistic. Surgery sounds like its full of men (And ortho is full of men's men...sometimes litetally)
Hey. There are female surgeons too. Big surgeons too.
When I mean big I mean..... Big intimidating she hulks who will probably have more testesterone in their body than you.

So I would finish this by saying. Just like how some people join the police for the car chases and end up having a desk job.
If you became a doctor and want some action or some movement then I would stay away from medicine and join team surgery!
#civilwar

Anaesthetists - The unsung heroes

Life is all about the unsung heroes. Defenders in football, our fathers, beaters in quidditch and the nice person in the restaurant kitchen who somehow convince the irritated waiters not to spit on our food.
In the medical world the unsung heroes are definately anaesthetists

Anaesthetists are basically like the control tower in an airport. They take care of everything. Even though the pilots will be getting all the glory (and all the air hostesses). Nothing will be possible without guidance from the control room. Without them it'll be just a bunch of planes colliding into eachother just like Breaking Bad.

When I was an undergraduate I would see these anaesthetists sitting doing nothing in a surgery thinking "Cheh look how happy and bored they are. This is the life for me" but then I realised that it's not as cool as it seems.
Keep it like this. If a surgery goes wrong. If the patient gets an arrest or the blood pressure goes high or if he shows sudden signs of pain. The surgeons will instantly put the full blame on the anaesthetists and act like they got nothing to do with the surgery......dispite the fact that they were performing a surgery on him for an hour and a half.
The blame game will keep on going on till the patient is shifted to the ward

I had a small preview of how the job will be during my anaesthesia posting.
The post graduate told I had one job! I just had to check the BP and the heart rate. Cool. How hard could it be? After some 20 minutes of looking at the monitor I thought of taking notice of the outside world and decided to take part in some extra curricular activity......like adjusting my slippers.
Then I get a tap on the shoulder and my PG shows me the monitor and it appears that the heart rate had gone high. It was at that moment I knew this speciality wasn't for me......a dialogue which I have been repeating regularly after every posting.

Freelancing anaesthesia is the worst. It's like a very delicate...game of Jenga. Freelancing aneasthetists are the people who travel to different hospitals for different surgeries. So they would have planned it peeerfectly. Like "this surgery at 2 o clock....I'll finish it by 3:30. Travel for half an hour and I'll get there in time for this surgery. And I'll go for the next one by 7 o clock...." You get the idea
Technically it's them Vs the universe (and gyenacology)
"What do you mean you going to perform a C section now?! You said not for another 12 hours!? That's not fair...but I have another cas.....oh screw it. I'm coming!"

So if anything happens...like bad traffic or a patient gets shifted late....or the other doctor comes late. Then their perfect timetable will break into pieces and the only persons blood pressure they'll be monitoring will be theirs!

You know what's the cool part about anaesthetists. They call the shots in the operation theatre. Nomatter how big of a surgeon you are. Even if you are doctor Strange. You cannot start the surgery without the permission of the aneasthetists.

So if ever a post apocalyptic day comes in which there is a civil war among doctors where the aneasthetists go on strike and refuse to go to surgeries. Then we are all f*cked!
All the operations will be going haywire and it'll be just like a bunch of planes colliding into eachother.
(The jokes on the surgeon if his ex wife is the anaesthetist for him)

I remember a senior anaesthetist telling about a survey in which they said that the most stressful jobs in the world are
1. Being in the control tower of the airport
2. Being an anaesthetist
It's only now I realise that both are almost the same

Physicians - Dr x

I'm going straight to the point. Physicians are probably one for the most intelligent doctors of them all.

The problem with physicians is that....they are one of the most intelligent doctors of them all.

Let me explain

Now. These guys know sooooo much medicine. They know so much medical knowledge that they would have studied BDS and ayurveda "for the heck of it"
    But the problem is they don't get the patients with complicating symptoms like how they studied. So their knowledge would be just thrown around the place. The biggest example is rounds.
They take *gasp* foreeeever!

Here's an example


Chief: So what case is this?
Pg: sir hes a bronchitis case which got admitted yesterday.
Chief: any complications?
Pg: no signs apart from difficulty in breathing
Chief: Sure there isn't pneumothorax or any CVS related complications?
Pg: we've run the CT scan so we sure there isn't any but we expected during admission
Chief: Aaah. i remember during my college days we used to get only chronic obstructive pulmonary diseases only. We used to have a full ward of respiratory cases.. So what do you think should be done next kaushik?
Me: KILL ME NOW! *cough*...sorry sir. That was an impulse.

Thats my point. They have studied so much that they need to show that they studied so much.
Its the same logic in movies
Director :"Why do you want a shirtless scene?! This is a political drama!"
Actor :"I don't care! I worked out for 7 months. Before these 6 packs go i need to show them!"

Sometimes i feel when you go to a phycisian and say that you have just a fever they are just dissapointed
Doctor:" So is it just a fever? Any vomiting blood or body pain or chills? You sure?"
Me:" No thanks mate. Just a fever is enough for me"

They have all sorts of amazing knowledge......except the basic knowledge of eating or sleeping during the admission days
#sinceritykills

Since a number of respiratory diseases come. They require to auscultate the patient so that means.....wait for it....theyll actually use the steth! Woah! Before medicine posting i had the steth for just ornamental purpose. I felt like Lord Shiva and the steth was my snake

Now don't underestimate the work load. Even though the case won't require that much practical involvement. We get a looot patients during the admission day. You get this feeling like everyone gets sick together like a group forward in a whatsapp group.

Lets not forget about dengue season. That is like the tomorrowland for fever patients. So much admissions! Do you know how scary it is to get a fever during that time?! Youll start believing in karma then!
"OMG! Ive got a fever! I've worked in the dengue ward for too long! I knew it! I shouldnt have shouted at that patient! Ive got Denguuuuuuu.....what? My blood count is normal? Then ok. Phew"

I want to finish by saying i really respect these physicians. If they had more brain power then they would be able to lift objects with their mind
#drxmen

SKIN SAVERS

*Note: This article will will be half the length of any ordinary article because dermatologist have duty for only half a day*
       

    Now it is commonly said that dermatologists are considered the good looking of all the doctors. I didn't believe that because I've never seen any of them during lunch break. Then only it struck me that they finish their duty before lunch and they leave the premise as fast as possible.
     
And so when I went for my Dermatology posting I'll have to admit that they were right. They sure have flawless skin and hair. I would consider it more of a professional obligation. Because we wouldnt want to get our skin checked by someone who has the same proboem
"Do you have pimples? What a coincidence?! It looks just like mine! Hi 5!"

Dermatologists are like the cheerleaders of the medical world. Just like how in a college when you say that you sister is a cheerleader and everyone gets excited. In a hospital if you tell your friend that you sister is a dermatologist they'll be like "Wooow! Give me an intro! Be my best friend! Anything!"

I have to admit they have really good eyesight. Able to differentiate the different rashes. For me differentiating between a eczema and scabies is just like differentiating between coke and pepsi. Both look the same and they both mess up your body!

I remember when I was in 2nd year and went to get my pimples checked and they guy put the diagnosis as "Acne Vulgaris". I didn't know what that was and I just saw the word vulgar and in my mind I'm like "Who da f*ck you calling ugly you prick!"

It's not like all skin doctors have only morning OP. They also have their evening rounds...I'm sorry...I mean OP during the evening. It's like they thought "We not doing anything sooo. We don't we do the same thing?....again"

The beauty of Dermatology is that there is there is no emergencies.....maybe except the emergency of being pressured to get a PG seat from your family. I mean emergency allergic reaction comes under medicine so......score!

Hey enough sugarcoating the speciality! Telling the public you're a doctor - cool.
Telling youyou a dermatologist - not cool.
Because then they will bring all their secrets from..er...down under.
"Oh thank God you're a dermatologist! I've got this weird rash under my arm. Like there is some fluid coming out I think. Look at it! Oh and also my hair is falling out. See! A clump just fell out now"
Doctor: "Sure.... Ill see that after eating. Oh wait. No problem. I don't think I can ever eat again......in my life"

They have cool lives because they have time to do other stuff. I remember having this friend who was a dermatologist and so when we would go out to dinner as a group she would be there before us and I'll be like "Don't you have some dermatology doctor stuff to do or something?"

So whenever people ask you what scope dermatologists have. You can just say " I don't know ....a life?"

My stand up experiences.....so far

"So Hey let me introduce you to my friend kaushik. He's a stand up comedian"
Me: "say what?"

      It took me time to get used to that introduction

     So I've been doing a few stand up comedy performances here and there in open Mikes. Maybe it has been a brief journey. I just want to tell how the journey has been. .....before i forget about everything

      Now as you guys know I'm a doctor and i also do stand up comedy in my free time. That's not a very common combination. I remember sometimes before my performance the would give me introductions like "You would have seen so many doctors before in your life. But you never met a doctor like this before. For the first time ever. A doctor who says jokes" like as if im some freak show in a circus! The only thing missing is me being in a cage and a wooden sign saying "Don't feed the doctor"
      Its not like we doctors don't say jokes. Its just that the jokes are very.....dark.
Theyll be making jokes about heart attacks and you'll be scared to laugh thinking that you'll to hell if you laugh for it!
        I knew that it really got out of hand when somebody asked me "So apart from stand up comedy what do you do in your free time" and I'm like "......medicine?"

     

Origin story:-
       So my first ever stand up comedy performance was when I was in 12th grade. This was during an inter school competition. I didnt know how to come up with original material so i just did all my favourite Russel peters jokes which i remember.
I was so adorable
But I lost

       After that I returned to the comedy scene in college 3rd year in an inter college competition
I wasn't adorable anymore
And i still lost

       That's my problem. I have a severe lack of origin story. Some people will say a long sad story about how their dog died and to get over the depression they became stand up comedians. If you ask me why I became one i would be like "well i suck at singing. So I have no other option"

    I hate it when that happens when a group discuss about how they all went through depression when they were young and then they look at you expecting you to say something regarding that. And if you dont they give you this look like you are a spoit kid just because you never tried to kill yourself! Hey the only time I almost died when I was kid was when I choked on those albenliebe chocolates (we need to ban those)
I still get dreams of being chased by a big albenliebe chocolate!

Not so funny problems:-
Being a stand up we have our share of problems. The second you say your a comedian theyll be like "Oh really? I'll be the judge of that. Tell a joke"
The solution to that is that we should keep a set of insults ready like

1. "You do know whats the difference between a horse and your mum. One is a 300 pound animal.....the other is a horse" or 2."I don't need to tell a joke. You see one everyday in the mirror"
That will shut them up....at the same time you have chances of getting knocked out.

And also we got this strange way of being introduced. This good looking girl is introducing me to her friends like "Oh this is Kaushik. He's a comedy guy"
Me:"Hey!.....thats Doctor comedy guy for you!"
 
Any person who started stand up comedy always have this one question in their heads. "I am probably the most funniest guy ever.....until that 5 minutes i am on stage. After that I become funny again"
Seriously. There are those moments when you say a joke and you think this joke is going to kill it. And everyone is just staring at you back in silence. And that silence will seem to go on forever. You'll start thinking "Why am i doing this to myself? Cheh. Maybe my parents were right about me"  or "I should just stick to dancing" or
"BOO HOO HOO! MUMMY! I WANT TO GO HOME....*sniff*"
Sometimes well crack this really stupid dad joke which we saw in the back or a newspaper and everyone will start laughing and you'll be like "really?"

Understanding the audience:-
Relatability is a huge factor. You've got to adjust your jokes according to the audience. There was this one day where I was doing jokes about fifa, mourinho parking the bus and about gameboys. Nothing! Not a single sound. All the references were flying over their head just like a stormtrooper shooting. The next guy comes and makes jokes about itching and also about how underwear doesn't dry in a boys hostel and everyone is giggling. The only noise you can hear between people laughing is me banging my head on the wall

Go fly:-
Oh. If you want my advice when it comes to this. Mine is dress up properly. Go like you are going on a first date or you going to say sorry to your wife after you forgot your anniversary. Because nomatter how good the other stand up did or nomatter how much you bombed it. The photos are all going to come out the same ;-) . Theres a pic of me in like a waistcoat with a really good pose. The truth is. I was in that pose for some 5 minutes cos I had frozen and i had no clue what to say!
#mannequinchallenge

Product placement-
So after some difficult and bad open Mikes. I think I'm in a pretty good state. I've got like a few sets of jokes which actually gets a few laughs. Im also a part of this comedy group called "Comedy processing Unit" who really have been helping me out and are really good for upcoming stand up comedians. One second.....*accepting a big briefcase of cash from a random stranger*....ah thank you. Now where were we?

    So I guess I'll wrap this up by saying if you ever laughed at when you were small. Make them pay for it.....literally ;-)
#idoitforthelols

Burning the house down ep 2! 90s "kids" Vs 2000s kids!

Yo yo yo! It's going to get hot in here because it's time for another episode of "Burning down the house" your favourite rap battle blog with your host Mahalik

Tonight is gonna be the most common debate which happens at every house which we are all sick off!
90s kids Vs 2000 kids
To represent the 90s we got our own 90s kid - Kaushik!
Kaushik: "dude I'm 25. Stop calling me a kid"
Mahalik: "And representing the millennials we have la diablo! Why is your name that?"
Kaushik: "hehe it's my blog. I can call him whatever I want"
Mahalik : "Ya..  very mature of you. Alright. Enough buildup. Let's get this on. You! Diablo! Since you were born first. You get to go first!

Yo DJ SPIN THAT SHIT

LA DIABLO
Don't worry Gramps. Try to look alive
Well finish the rap battle off before your naptime

You had no access to any TV you ancient mess!
Your only childhood crush is a Disney Princess!

You didn't have smart phones. What do you want me to do about that?
The only way you could talk was the landline in your apartment flat!

You people are delusional just like backstreet boys!
You guys have wrinkles yet you still play with toys!

We have the whole world in our hands thanks to social media. Yes sir!
You guys still can't find our difference between yahoo and msn messenger

After this rap. I've got to chat with this girl from Mexico.
It's sad because you couldn't even give your next door neighbour a go!

Grow up man. Please snap out of the past!
The world is changing. You need to adapt fast!

Nomatter how much you say about all that we have have missed
The truth you always wanted a life like this!

Crowd: WOOOOOOAH!

Mahalik: "ok that just pissed me off also. Do u want to say something or shall we just call this parents?"
Kaushik: Naa. I got this. Let's get this done quickly. I'm sleepy already. DJ SPIN THAT SHIT!

KAUSHIK

Ok first thing first! keep the backstreet boys out of this
They are so much better than this modern EDM piss!

People usually get killed by animals like bears or maybe a crab
But you are the only idiots to get killed by a blue whale app!

And as for Kiki. Does she love you? Does she like your groove!
Don't care! Because the car behind is asking you to MOVE!

I've done all the sports you can possibly know.
The only way you've exercised is Pokémon go!

And as for for your smartphone. Its way smarter than you!
Let me cut your wi fi! Now what you gonna do?

You know only about social media? Please don't make me laugh
You merely adapted to it by the time you were 12 and a half

Shout-out to Bane because I know more about social media than you ever can
I was born with it, moulded by it and by the time wi fi came I was already a man!

We all know the truth Your just a spoilt brat!
The truth is...I'm the kid your mum wished she always had!

Crowd: DAAAAAIM!

Mahalik: Get the fire extinguishers cos this place is on fire!!
Ok who won? You guys decide! See you on the next episode of BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN! PEACE!

Smart enough to be stupid

I remember in a post long ago i would say that this blog was like my pensieve (Harry Potter reference). A place where I can lay rest to all my thought's. Well....not all of my thoughts. Otherwise well be having an article about spongebob squarepants riding a sea unicorn fighting thanos at a poke centre........damn that is a movie concept.
     Personally I have never been a fan of motivation videos. They'll be just someone yelling at you "Life is this! You can! Go! Run! Do this! Work! Work! Work!" So at one point you'll be like "Slow down Rihanna! Stop telling me what to do! I won't listen! I'm going to go take a swim in self pity and then watch some Grey's anatomy"

 So you cant exactly call this motivation. You can say this just as how I feel.
    Now when when we are asked to introduce ourselves we would say stuff like "I'm a fun loving....optimistic...never give up guy" blah blah. But are we really that? I personally feel that its the situations which one faces which determine who you are.

OPTIMISM-
      Everyone loves to admit that they are positive thinkers. That is the best mentality of life. I feel that when we are in a happy situation or when everything is normal we are bound to think happy. But then a time comes when all hell has broken loose, the world has been crashed down on him and he is brought down to his knees. There is nothing but silence (or maybe a small violin noise playing in the background)
In that moment if that person wipes his tears and gives a stupid smile and a terrible joke like "Now I know how it feels to be an England football fan" That is someone who can say they are optimistic. To have a positive in the most saddest of times.
To find a way when it looks like all the routes are blocked
       Now I suppose that this is where I'm supposed to say that pessimistic people are the people who are sad in the most happiest situations. That maybe true. But somehow I feel there is more to it. Maybe there is a reason to him hating life dispite all of life showing all it's Teletubbie happiness on him. Give him a chance. Ask him what happened before branding him off as a miserable person. ( We just are in a hurry to do that aren't we?)

Passions:-

     Now people in Asia have the common factor about how people are forced to work on a profession ahead of their passion. A very common debate and a cliche movie topic here bcos many passions are made to die here. Which I feel is a dreadful waste. Can be pressure from society or parents.
It's how we face all those obstacles and yet continue our passion for a certain art shows how much dedication we have towards it.
     Now does have to necessarily have to the arts over academics fight. This can also apply for academics also. Probably one of the best examples is how a medical student had to undergo the varies hurdles thrown by government and society to become a doctor! What else? Exams! Exams! Neet..next....they just making more exams with the remaining numbers in the alphabet! They'll be using numbers soon! N13T exam....
   The IT inflation etc etc
       I have an intense respect for all the people who have been able to convert their passions to professions. To cross that imaginary (and highly profitable) line. Dispite all the hurdles.
Now I think this is the moment where I feel that we should think....dumb
Become cavemen
No thoughts
Think like an 8 year old
Smart enough...to be stupid
I mean..have you noticed when you grow up we have all this thoughts "can I? What will they think? It's too late! It's dumb anyway? How can people in my profession do that? Why is that peacock looking at me? And when will avengers 4 come out?"

Some people will be like "I'm too old to be able to do it"
Me: ".....dude your 28! Grow down! Relax"

I mean...throw it all out of the window and clear your mind (by whatever means work for you). Just think
"do I want to? Yes.
How do i do it? Like that?
What will be the problems? How do I face  it? Like that? Cool
Then let's go for it"
*Loading gun and putting flip flops on*

To make it more simpler. Let's just say it's like a video game. As you go through each level the dangers will get harder. But we will be stronger and then finally we will finish the game and get what we want.
This may sound easy but I know. Self councilling yourself is a pain in the ass. Halfway through thinking this you'll be like "Am I talking to myself?"
Usually for guys the common scenario
Guy: "My hot girlfriend told me this and I'm ready to follow my dreams"
Best friend: "what the fuck bro?! I would have told you this some 8 times!!"

Relationships:-

     If life is a video game without a reset button then being in a relationship is like a videogame which blows up in your face.
      When I talk about relationships I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I'm talking about friends or family.
Just like how I said obstacles determine what person you are or how much you are passionate to something. It also determines how much you like a person.
The more you tend to get closer to a person the more hurdles are bound to grow up. They might go to different places. They might get more busy, you'll find about certain indifferences or even worse...*gasp* they might grow up!
   
      This will definately turn up whether we like it or not. And there is always a way to work it out. And if we really like this person we will find a way and we can still be the same and close as ever regardless of what hurdles we come across.
Bring close to a person when you can meet up easily is one thing. But still being there for a person dispite the distance and all the differences. Now that takes skill.
           Maybe telling this is so easy but this way harder  Now you know how they say that emotion clouds ones judgement. Well....relationships are nothing but emotions. It's a bloody thunderstorm up in here. So maybe that's why people prefer to abandon ship that rather sail through this storm.


     *Me holding a set of cards*
"Follow your dreams nomatter what.....nope....too stalkerish"
*Throwing card*
"Life is a race......naa. too much cardio"
*Throwing card*
"Hard work is my relegion.....too fascist"
*Throwing card*


Oh hey! Usually when we give all this kind of speeches they finish it with a powerful line but everything is just waay too cliche.

Bcos I hear all you guys asking me "what is your point?"
I have said a lot of things...life is like a video game...think caveman....smart enough to be stupid. But what am I trying to say?
The truth is...even I don't know. I'm just telling what I feel. I'm sure we will all figure it out in the way which suits us best. I know ;). So I guess I'll finish this with the line echoed my millions of people all over

...... "Im just saying"

Deluxe coaching but no class!

    "Dude get me out of here! Somehow! Someway! What do you want? Money? My arm? Take it! Just get me out of here! Omg....if i don't make it out of here. Tell my sister to retrieve all the Dragonballs to bring me back to life!"
Friend : "Omg will you shut up?! They haven't even finished the introduction!"

      Have you ever noticed when you were in second year or final year and if you ever complained about how medicine is hard and they give you that look like "Ooooh so cute. They have no clue what's about to hit them in the future!"
     They are talking about the time after your crri when you are studying for the specialities. A time we doctors commonly call..... Unemployment.

     One of the highlights of those times is the coaching classes. Where they will finish the entire medical knowledge which you learnt in 5 years within 6 months.
This is not even the crash course. Crash courses they teach you all that in some 2 months.  How is that even possible? Do they inject some chemical serum into your vein which contains medical knowledge and make your brain bigger?"
   And trust me those classes cost a bomb. It makes you think "screw being a doctor. I'll teach them instead!"

     The best part of these classes is that they are about 10 hours long (depending on how strong the teachers voice box is). Next time I go to class I'm going to wear a T shirt saying "The maximum attention span of a human is 40 minutes....if I give a shit"

      Screw the boring classes. The seats are so uncomfortable. You just keep on moving in your seat. Your ass will feel so flat after the class that within 3 months you will lose half your sex appeal. I mean they are charging us so much. They can get an extra pillow.....and also a blanket.

     The only thing fast in class is how quick the teacher finishes topics. I mean you'll go to the bathroom and come and he'll be like "ok. That's the end of upper limb" and I'm like "Oi! Isn't that some 3 months of first year!?"
   
Neet questions are kinda messed up. They ask such irrelevant and between the line questions. For example

A normal question is
Q: why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because it wanted to get to the other side.

Now if this was a neet exam. It would be like
Q: when the chicken crossed the road. How many lanes was the road it crossed?
1.2 lanes
2  3 lanes
3. The chicken is actually a hen
4. You are crying now aren't you?

Look when it comes to the class it is totally impossible to listen to class that long. But if you can then good for you RoboCop! But if you can't then just keep writing the notes they give. And if you miss a few notes (or classes). What are friends for? Along with all the cash you borrowed from them you can borrow their notes.

   You may freak out seeing all these people just listening to class but don't worry about it .They are as spaced out as you. Some of them are even temporarily brain dead for a few hours.
 
Motivation!
Another problem is that they give these motivation speeches about how various people got various ranks. How this eoman had 2 kids and then studied and got state first (talk about bad planning). How they used to study for 16 hours a day. (Who stays awake that long?!
I then realised that they say the same speech every year. They just wish that they can get some new toppers so that they can get some new material for their speech.
     They'll show a picture of these star students who got an amazing rank. Half of the people in class will be like "How did he do it?"
The topper student  would be like "Cheh I should have given a better picture"
And I would be like looking at him thinking ".........nerd!"

    Ok so this is the part where they usually end this on a positive note and tell how to study for the exam. And that's where I'm saying How am I supposed to know how you study?! How am I supposed to know how your brain works?!
 You know what way you learn. You cant be comparing with other people how they study because you know what plan...time works for you best and what books are easy for you.
This is your exam. Your plan. Your marks. Your success!

Just do not let other stuff get into your head....(except for what they teach at class. Maybe you should let that inside your head)

Wow! If I spend some of the time listening to coaching class instead of sitting and observing how it works. I might actually learn something

Bored exam

March is the hottest month of the year and i feel the rise in temperature is because of all those school kids sweating it out in the board exam.

         Board exams! That one exam whose marks which decide which college you are going to go to.

        Board exams! That time of the year where some families cut their TV connection so you don't get distracted (so if you fail they have another reason to be pissed with you.)

        Board exams! it's the year when they feed you that lie "Study hard for one year and you can enjoy all you want in college". We all believe this thought until we fail our first year college semester exams.

        Now when some of us are sitting in our rooms and studying. We have this strange feeling that the walls of the room are slowly closing in on you. Its like each day or each hour as you sit you can feel each of the 4 walls just come closer  to each other and its going to crush you one day! It doesnt make sense. ""Why am I feeling claustrophobic in my own room. I've slept here for years. Why do I feel that im going to suffocate within my own walls?"

     That my friends....is the pressure given to us by the society and our relatives. I have heard some people say that they feel thay were being strangled by someome in their sleep and they would wake up sweating thinking "What happened? Am i still alive? Cheh. So I still have to write the exam!"

Comparisms-

      This is the main problem. People like compare the number of hours they study so that they feel good about themselves.

Guy "I studied for 16 hours a day during my study holidays"

Me "So are you telling me that the remaining 8 hours of the day is when you slept, ate, went to the bathroom and had a life? I dont care if you have a life but please tell me you took a bath atleast!"

Everyone has their own way and time for studying. Some people will sit for hours and  would barely have learnt half a chapter but will brag to everyone about it. Some people sit for a few hours and they are able to learn a lot within that time. This is not a work shift to count the hours that you sit in. Its what you do during the hours you sit and study. (Its ironic because I'm typing this blog entry in a study hall)

Every mark counts

          The competition is just getting harder as the years go by. So even though I wrote by exams some 8 years back I'll be like "....back in my day..." Like some 70 year old grandpa.

    But seriously the times when I wrote my boards you could get into a decent medical college with some 85 percent marks. Now its messed up. Some colleges are demanding 99.99 marks. Some people don't get it because they miss it by 0.25 marks. 0.25 marks?! Its like that college going "How much you got? 98.25%? Meh! Too dumb!"
When we wrote exams we would just leave 5 marks because "Meh. I don't want to"......or maybe that's just me

Medical horror story:-

             Now as for the medical college admissions it has become waay more messed up than ever because we have this neet exam (specially prepared by the devil himself) after the board exam. So yes! You think one major life determining exam is hard? Well we have 2!
So dont be asking anyone from the biology group what plans do they have after exams?...in fact don't even talk to them about exams ever!
You :"Pah. My maths paper was hard!"
Medical students "You think your life is hard?! I have 17 subjects! Have to wake up at 6! I have no life! I hate myself!"

School disowning:-

          Schools start acting strange during your 12th. Throwing extra classes and even more extra tests on you. You may think "Aaaw. So sweet! My school is so concerned about my future!" Er....actually no. If you screw up the exam then you screw up the school's reputation. If you fail the exam theyll have to put a sign saying

             "CONGRATULATIONS 2K17 BSTCH

ALL STUDENTS GOT ABOVE 70 PERCENT!

..............except for this dude who failed. But we don't know him much and we suspect he is retarded"

So to prevent that the school had to either 

1. Erase your existence from school history and everyone's memory (oh trust me. They have tried with me) or 

2. Force you to study.

Tutoring-

What I found very interesting/trippy is the fact that school kids are going to coaching classes! Full day 8 hour coaching classes! Has the human brain developed at that age to listen to so much in a single day?  My head would have burst before lunchtime! 

     We used to have our 2 hour tuition classes when we were small. We would pay so much and go to a tuition centre.....where they would just tell us to study. Technically something we can do at home for free. Tuition classes were an excuse to hang out with your friends more and watch them get slapped for not doing their homework (which was very fun to watch)

Now I would finish this entry with a bit of advice. Oh? You think this is for the students writing! No this is for the parents! 

Parents must read:-

I understand what you feel. You are worried sick about your child's future and you want to do everything within your power to make sure that he does his exam well. 

     This is something he has to figure out for himself though. How to study. What's comfortable for him. How to plan. If you just throw all the pressure and tuitions on him. Either that child will go to depression or will rebel back. 

     Its normal human tendancy to push back if it's something you don't want to do. So if you go around telling everyone that "my child isnt studying. He isn't serious at all" after pressuring him so much then you'll look pretty ridiculous.

      There are times when you need to have confidence in your child and support him when he needs it. Some parents pride themselves on the fact that they keep on telling their children what to do. Parents should work on listening to their children than telling them "What is best"

    To make it simple. The board exam is like swimming through a river. With the right training you can swim through. But if you are forced into the river your only thought is to get out of the water and breathe or even worse....you might drown!

*All the best to everyone writing the Board exams this year!*

The Black Monster

       Now when I told people that I was going to an article regarding depression. People were very skeptical. People felt I didn't have the er .... qualifications for the Job. I get it. I mean just like whenever you go for a haircut you naturally go to the guy who has the perfect long and coloured hair. Not the bald guy. Same thing. People would want to listen to a talk about depression from a person who went to severe suicidal state depression and escaped and not me who has had a reputation for being a kind of positive person. Well I've been honest. I've been through my bad phases and also been an observer. So this is my personal view which can be different your experiences but I'm saying what I personally feel.

          (Photography by Sasha Arun. Damn good isn't it?)
       Now hold on. When I say depression you guys come to the extreme conclusions. The depression which causes people to get admitted in hospital or attempt suicide. It can be anything. A bad mood. A really bad thought. Just consider all of these evil spawns of depression.
      Now we all know these are caused from the thought in our heads and I call it the black monster. The black monster which whispers in your ear. It can be self doubt. It can be sorrow. It can be anything. Infact you can think that the more you are depressed the more it grows. So people who have these extreme depressions have to overcome this huuuuge black monster. So we have to kill it before it grows becomes Godzilla size and becomes more difficult to slay it. (Man! I can going to burn all my black shirts after this article)
Have you seen in some shows or movies when the character is in a hypnotised trance and just slowly walks towards the edge of the cliff and dispite his friends shouting but he'll just walk towards it because hes that hypnotised. That's wat I feel is like a picturization of the black monster. There is this sad comfort zone in the panic and we even though we know we have to snap out of it. We don't
        What is usually the next scene in those movies. The hero's friends come and snap him out of the trance. They'll slap him or they'll give him and antidote or the heroine will kiss him ( *sigh* if only it was that simple). My point....the main thing is we have to snap him out of the depressive trance before it's too late and he does something to himself. Now how do we do it? Depends on the person. Some people are able to overcome it with their friends or their family or religion or self discovery. And there are some amazing people who are able to snap out of it by themselves by some strong thought or motivation in their mind which is highly admirable/ insanely awesome.
            For those people who got out of depression they may have a few battle scars from the battles of their demons and it may haunt them sometimes but the main thing is that they won! They defeated the black monster and they should be proud of themselves!
           You know what's the most pissing of thing people do when you are opening to them "Hey. I know exactly how you feel. Happened to me also"
Wait what? No you dont! You don't know exactly how I feel. I didn't even finish saying!
    This is not something you can compare. This is not trading cards for God sake!
Guy 1: I got 78 percent depression with 4 depressed WhatsApp statuses
Guy 2: I got 82 percent depression plus 2 suicide wrist cuts. I win!
Urgh!
What I mean is. The same circumstances may have happened to a person but it affects them on a total different level. Some breakups will break a person into half whearas some breakups will barely affect some people. Some people would have got abused as a child but they wouldn't have minded. Whearas some people would have lost their cycle and it would have destroyed them on the inside. We can't be sitting and comparing flashbacks. Everyone is different in their own way and affected in totally different aspects.
 Some idiots will be like "dude you should get over it"
Me: "......you don't say"
         Another difficult factor is that the black monster cannot be identified by plain sight. Some people maybe just walking around all glum and you'll think that he's depressed for sure. But then you'll realise that's how he always acts. Some people may be smiling all the time but the truth is they will have such a heavy feeling on the inside. And they just don't want to let people know. It's like a mask with a smiling face on it. To hide all that he feels. A very sad example is Robin Williams.
     What? Oh? My point? Oh I'm supposed to tell how to overcome depression. They key to defeating the black monster? That changes for everyone. Some people want to let it their feelings. Some people don't want to. Some people distract with their passions..some people want some time off. That's for you and the people who care for you to figure out
So if ever feel that your friend is in depression. Just be there for him. Be that cool sidekick in his story of how he defeated his black monster.
There are different ways to defeat it but the main thing is...there is a way! There is always a way! And we will definitely ..*loading gun*.... Overcome it
*Bang* 

Caf-fiends! Rise of the coffee zombies!

It's a dimlit room and I'm standing there infront of a cage with a white sheet over it and I'm writing notes on a pad
*Turning around*
Oh hi. There you guys are. Was working on an experiment.
The country has been concerned about the state of the alcoholics and the drug addicts. Making movies like Udta Punjab....then banning them....then releasing them again. But the country has always showed a blind eye to the main concern....coffee lovers!
      We all have that coffee lover in the gang. Coffee is just like the spinach for popeye. Everytime you see them drink it you feel the Popeye music play in the background. Da da da da da daaaaa. Toot toot!
      A coffee drinker can never start the day without his coffee. I mean he will be prepared to take a day holiday if they say they have run out of coffee. Or he will travel by any means necessary and get it and then decide to go to his family funeral!. Even if there is a meteor shower and the world is getting destroyed. They'll be like like "nu huh. I am not running anymore without my evenin coffee. Has coffee day been destroyed? No? Then a coffee with extra decaf!"
       There are some people who are satisfied with anything which is similar to coffee as long as they get it. There is an even worse category. Wherever they go they will start complaining and bitching about the coffee in that place! Nomatter where! They'll start comparing it with some random place they had coffee. (Mostly it'll be a dream of a hallucination) Then they will tell their (unfortunate) friend about how much they hate it...but then they'll drink it after that! The friend will be like "say whatever you want! As long as you pay the bill!"
           There are also the travellers. The people who will travel to a different place to drink coffee. Yep. Exactly! We will put 300 worth of petrol. Go in a car and then go to Starbucks and spend 200 on some overpriced coffee! That day even if the milk is expired and the coffee is terrible. We will still love it! Because our backsides hurt from sitting for so long in the car and we payed so much for the petrol so we might as well enjoy it? Me? Oh I'm just a companion. I give the idea to them. "Dude? Are you sure you don't want to have coffee? You can survive a night without it? What? We are going to get coffee now? U sure? Hey! Yr choice!" Hey! I can't resist a good road trip with the boys!
        Just like all addictions. Everyone develops tolerance. Everyone loves drinking coffee in the middle of the night. Do you know why we all started doing it in the first place? *Back and white flashback* Once upon a time as college kids we had to study for an exam. So we all decided to keep to drink coffee to continue study in the night. Works once. Maybe twice. But after some 36 times.....the trend continues​. Same thing as always. All of us get ready at midnight, put our hoodies on (which we weren't able to wear for months), go to bus stand, drink the strongest coffee they have...then sleep! #caffeineresistant
       Now you know which coffee we all love? The coffee we first get in the morning to brush off our cobwebs/ recover from hangover. The coffee which our mummys give into the morning. So this there is a certain sentiment value to it. So when you go to your mum and say "this is the best coffee in the world" your mum will be like "really? I just added 2 spoons of coffee powder...but ok sure. Whatever you say!"
       Now as a doctor. Coffee is our cocaine. For our sleep deprived lives. We need it for survival. You see a doctor give a reaction after each sip of coffee. Same reaction as Leonardo DiCaprio gives when he snorts cocaine in wolf of wall street!
 When doctors are young we want to make it as decaf as possible. As stroooooongly as possible. But once they grow up they naturally become more health conscious. So the coffee cup will become smaller and the sugar level will be....what sugar level? I'll be just sitting there sipping on nothing which just tastes...brown. by the time I figure out the taste of it...I would have finished all the "coffee" in that small cup
         Have you seen the expression the cats give if you ask them to sit? They give the expression "What the f*ck did you just ask me?" And then they go and scratch your curtains! Same reaction when you give when you give a coffee lover a glass of tea! They'll give a look of "What the f*ck is this?!" And then they'll go and stratch the nearest person they see! Hissss! Scratch!
       Soooo this brings out my area of concern. Let me show you my experiment
*Taking curtain down from the cage*
 Then they show a girl standing with her hair all over her head, eyes sunken and she looks all pale and she starts biting the bars and moans "coffee.....cooooffeee"
Me:" This is yazhini! She was a coffee lover but we have made sure that she has had no coffee for the past er....47 hours. Slowly she's lost her chirpiness and she's become this trance. She bites any person she sees. She roams around with her arms stretched.
*Then I flick a coffee bean into the cage and she starts biting it like an animal*
So the government should realise that the number of coffee drinkers are more than the number of coffee plantations.
 At one point we should be ready for everyone to transform Into these caffiend zombies! The apocalypse is upon us! *Putting armour on*
      There is only one weapon against this!
*Stuffing tea leaves into a bullet and pointing the gun*......tea!
*Bang bang!!!!*
    

Epic rap battles: Engineers Vs Doctors

It's an underground passage reading to darkness. What could be at the end at tunnel? The suicide squad planning a return gig? A line of crocodiles just waiting for dumb teenagers to eat
     Instead we see a group of hip hop enthusiasts and we see Mahalik Phifer (the black dude from scary movie 3 who had the long hair and comes for the rap battle. You know. The hero's friend).
There's a stage set. Well got the DJ. We got bouncers also ready and wr have 2 people ready to have a rap battle. Ok to keep it simple this is just the exact scene from the movie 8 mile.
               
       

Mahalik Phifer: Yo yo yo! What's up all the people in the house. We have seen it all! We seen 8 mile! We seen east coast Vs west coast but have we seen a engineer Vs doctor rap off? Only here! Only now! Let's go!

On the blue side. We have our BE graduate who just made sure that he got placed to this battle to takeover the house! SANTHOSH!
Let me hear you engineers make some noise and show who the real VIP is!!
*Audience screaming*

On the red side. We got our homeboy Doctor. Who dispite his busy schedule said he has all the time in the world to kick some engineering ass! Dr phenomenal! Kaushik!
Give him a mersal sound!
*Other side of audience screaming*

*In background*
3 people are like "Biochemistry! Whooo"
 Mahalik Phifer: "What the? Who lets these biochemists in? Security! Security! Get their asses out of here!

Enough talk! Let's get this rap battle started! DJ! Spin that shit!
*Beat starting*

Santhosh representing Engineering:-
"Ok ok. Time for this party to begin. I'm even amazed this dude came in.

You guys say your life is work. Your home is the hospital
So even when you die you don't get a day off from work at all

We the engineers. We built the place!
We call the shots so trust me you aren't even a part of the race!

Mechanical, electrical, chemical, computer science
Our variety is unbound! We never tied down for life!

You guys are so boring. You just work and have nothing going on
So let me ask you a question doc? How can you even save lives if you don't even have one

It's hard for us to meet cos we will be going places.
We been all over the world meeting different faces

But sorry dude your world, country and place is the hospital.
Even the patients getting discharged would be like "do you even go out at all?"

Hey hey all the gorgeous girls are in the tech world now.
This is something you'll never know. Go cry now

All of us together we are an unstoppable force.
The VIPs of the nation. You wish you would have done this course.

Before I drop the mike. The public has one question
Were you really the ones who killed Michael Jackson?

Audience: Ooooooooh!

Mahalik Phifer: Daaaaaaim! And I thought the neet exam was hard against doctors! But this was savage!
Hey Doc! You think you can heal from that one? Your pulse ok? Heart rate still there?
Me: "Na mate. I got this!"
Mahalik Phifer: "That's all the first aid you'll get! Ok DJ spin that shit!

Kaushik (yay me) representing doctors:-
Ok ok let me deal with this little piss.
I cannot believe that I used my available leave for this

In 300 to be a Spartan you got to grow with the wolves
We push ourselves to the limit cos we will never lose

Your knees are heavy, arms weak, palms are sweaty
I diagnose you lost this rap battle already

I'll give it to you kids. You build the nation
But Wen you kids break. You'll have to come to our station

We the superman of this place! You're always scared of people you don't believe!
I guess that we are the correct people to ask "Do you bleed?"

We don't have lives? Please don't waste my time!
We do way more things than you. We just don't sit and whine!

Youre right! You got you life on your hands! I'll give you that!
We got the life of others also! Don't think you can do that!

All the hot girls are in engineering? Wrong! Here's something you should know
Miss world is a doctor! Whoops! I told you so!

So an Bcom degree is all you will get!
Because the real meaning of engineering is medical reject!!

Audience: "Wooooooohoooooohoooo"

Mahalik Phifer: " woah woah woah! This place is on fire! You guys tore the house down! Who won? You decide! See you on the next episode of epic rap battles!!

Pon"gala" time!

Holla! Holla! Holla! Welcome to a new year! It's been 2 weeks so I'm sure we've already broken all our resolutions!
        I'm here to talk about the first government holiday of the year for us south Indians. Yep! You guessed it. Pongal!
       It's on the second week of January so that means just when you think you recovered from your new year hangover and you think. "Ok it's time to be productive." Then boom! Next holiday!
           As for us doctors we might still be working that day but the good news is that we'll have less patients that day.
 *Audience in background: aaaaaw!*
Oh shut up! It's not that we won't celebrate pongal. Well just celebrate it late. Infact give me a beer. I'm going to celebrate pongal now. Hehe. You can picture doctors arranging sugarcane in the middle of may
"Hey what are you guys doing?"
"We celebrating pongal now! Now only I got leave!"
I think I would have celebrated new year some 4 times till now

 Now I feel I should explain about pongal for all the north indians in south India who are totally oblivious to their surroundings
They'll be sitting in their office canteen when everyone is on holiday like "Arey! why is the rice today brown, sticky and tastes like sugar? And where is everyone today?!"
Aaah it's like how we Tamil dudes are during holi
2 guys will be sitting and eating dinner then suddenly
*Smash*
Guy 1: argh! Dude why did u put chilli powder on my face?!
Guy 2: I don't know. It's apparantly they do. Er...holi hai macha!

  One thing we look forward to in pongal apart from the obvious holiday is they make a large amount of sacrapongal (a very sugary rice). Aaand also sugar cane (says in the name). Soooo just when you thought you escaped diabetes during diwali. Pongal is here to get all the remaining survivors. I know what u thinking. Being a diabetologist in india. Double jackpot! #sugaryesplease
     Now pongal is a 3 day holiday. Unless you are unlucky to get it on a weekend like this year. The first day is

Bhogi:-
    This is when we discard old belongings and bring new possessions. Inother words...this is the Indian version of the once a year spring cleaning of the house! That's the times our parents wake us up..make us clean the place and then we'll find all the stuff which we lost yeaaars ago. It's usually in this day where they find treasure maps in Tamil fantasy movies. The most common dialogue in bhogi is "waaait a minute. If tomoro is the main pongal day? Why are we having a holiday today? Aaah. Who cares? Zzzzz"

Thai pongal:-
        The maaaaaain event! The big day! Pongalmania! The day where are the girls are forced to wake up bloody too early in the morning to pick the rangolis! (Feminists in 2023 will be like "why should we women put only rangolis! Let the guys do it!") And the guys wake up later sleepy (or hungover) for a fresh plate of diabetes (oh they make pongal in a pot and they serve it. Bit too dark na?). A common scenario in my house and I'm sure in most houses is when they full family is ready with full pooja preparations. The harvest god is ready for his offerings. But nooo! I'm still in the shower!
       But it's nice. The house will be decorated with banana leaves and the flowers. It'll be like a  nice natural makeover to the house. But what isn't fresh is when they don't bother to take it off till February or march. So unless it gets infected or falls down or a breeding ground for a few diseases. Then ya. Maybe we should take it off

Maatu pongal:-
 Maatu pongal is considered quite an after thought we dont mind
*MOOOOO BITCH! GET OUT OF THE WAY"
me: Holy cow!
"You can say that again!"
Ooooogaay. There is a talking cow in my blog. Is this really happening?
Holy cow: oh yes it is! Now since moo were talking about the mattu pongal. I feel I should butt in.
Me: ya you broke the fourth wall on the way in. But do continue"
Holy cow: Now it is said that cows are worshipped in India. Maybe they just say that but i really don't think sooo. But that day. Oh moo good. We are also worshipped.
Me: "ok why is the talking cow behaving like a teenage girl?
*Looking girl* oh...a gay cow. You don't see this everywhere. This is a free world after all."
     And this is like our makeover spa day once a year. Cos they dooo moo so much for us. They paint our horns. Wash us again and again. And we play games like tag...catch and catch
Me: you mean jalikattu
Cow: whatever! And those bull races! Wow! Kiss moo ass horses! This is just like the south Indian version of deathrace. On collisions with those horns and you are dead. And best part is its a holiday so you call can see it! Yaaaay!
Me:ok you do know that humans also take part in mattu pongal right?
Cow: Oh moo good! Nobody cares! Please! You got 2 days of pongal. Give us a day! You guys are just like a moo point that day. A cows opinion. Nobody cares! Your just moo!
Me: so that is where Joey Tribbiani got line from! Argh!. I'm thinking. If I hit you right now...will I get Into trouble from gay rights or from religion? Well...thank you for the explanation. Couldn't have said more...er... graphically myself! Give it up for blessum the fabulous holy cow!!

So here's from the both of us wishing all of you a happy pongal /happy Sunday (hehehe) and have a great time with your family!
*Sitting on blessum*
Come on boy...er...I mean girl. Let's go.

The Chamber of horrors! An Oh GeeZ reality!

It was a cold dark night where there wasn't a single soul in a dark forest. An owl is hooting in the background and there are yes of wild animals shining in the background. Just like a scene from a Tim Burton movie The only people to walk this lonely scene was a male crri called Agnes and a female crri called Ansara

Agnes: "I really cannot believe we are actually going to a middle of a forest at this time"
Ansara: "oh shut up. Im a girl walking in the dark with you. So if someone should be worried. It's got to be me"
Agnes: "That is just low. So anyway where are we going?"
Ansara: "When a girl asked you to come out you just come running without asking any details. Typical you. But they said he'll be here somewhere. Waaait....
"Who?"
Suddenly in the darkness a wolf howling from behind and they both turn around and suddenly from behind a huge bonfire just emerges and on the side of the bonfire they see a grizzled up 20 year old with a wooden leg and torn up clothes formal clothes. On top of all that he's wearing a white coat with blood stains and other colours (we just hope is just paint) like he just murdered a rainbow. He sitting on top of a log and just stares in the distance. As they look into those eyes they see a total lack of sleep and they look of "I've seen way too much"
  Agnes: "Well we better be happy that this is a blog because I'm sure we could never get the production cash for this scene"
 Female: "Allow me to introduce you to strago and we are here....for our handover for OG posting"

Both of them sat huddled next to the fire as this stranger just sat feeding the lizard

Agnes: "Howdy!
Strago: *shouting* Look at you two! Enjoying life!!
Agnes:"ok why is this psychopath shouting?"
Ansara:" I think he lost his hearing. Must have heard too many loud noises"
Strago:" Thinking that you finished the hardest of postings! That you're crri life has seen the worst. Ooooh you guys have not seen the craziest side which medicine has to offer. You guys have definitely not gone to OG posting
Agnes: "Ok now that is just ridiculous. I finished my medicine posting. I have seen more than 80 cases in my medicine posting and I have slept for some 2 hours during the admission day so I am sure that had to be the hardest"
Strago: "Ooooooh the that little line of self consolation I was having too. I repeated those lies to myself over and over again! That I had seen medicine posting and that is the hardest as it can get. But what is normal work place psychology? They give you some work. You do it wrong and then they get angry with you. Naturally! Ok but in this scenario. They first shout at you....then they tell you what to do! At that point you won't be feeling bad that you did something wrong. You'll be like "what the f*ck just happened" or "am I on a prank show? Is this really happening?"

  Ansara: "So how is the labour ward?"
 Strago: "Oh you mean the chamber of horrors? Oh ya. That's what we call it because 1. It is a horrible place
And 2. Do you know how in harry potter there was a basilisk which would slither around and if you look into its eyes your dead. Well same here! You just by accident give eye contact to any of the PGs there you're dead! They'll somehow give you work!
Strago: Do you know that Sheela ma'am?
Agnes: oh she is just looking wow! She's the reason I had some attendence to write exam. I would go just too her
Strago: I had a crush on her...
Agnes: you are speaking on behalf of half the men in college
Strago: She is just wow!
Agnes: wow na wow!
Strago: double wow!
Agnes: so much wow that I can make dog noises all day "wowowoow...
Ansara: OMG! You shameless idiots! Shes married and has 2 kids.
Agnes and strago together:....so what's your point?
Ansara: wait a minute.....had a crush? Why the past tense? What happened?
Strago: *sigh* I used to like her until I entered the labour ward. And then i saw her shout there. I do not how that place changes a person like that. I swear to God I imagined her growing fangs and then her head would start spinning. I was so scared I was about to stab her with a crucifix. *Wiping tear* oh that was the day I started drinking.

Strago: Sometimes seeing some of these people who work in IT companies who keep on complaining about their work atmosphere. About how they changed company because they felt the wallpaper was dark or they felt the cabins were too small and majority of cases are because the good looking intern would have rejected them.
I want to take those choosy bastards and throw them into a labour ward and let them see what a work atmosphere really is!
Because in a labour ward it's like a bunch of screaming witches all sat in a room, rehearsed and then put a mike in front of them and tried singing rock music! It's that loud!
I'm not kidding. The patients are screaming in pain. The PGs are shouting at the patients​,at the house surgeons...the nurses are shouting at the workers....the workers are shouting at the walls and the wheelchairs. It's like a competition to outdo eachother....hehe. and you thought pediatrics was loud! This posting didn't take my sanity...but it took my hearing!

*Suddenly Ansara takes her phone out*
Agnes: who are you flirting with?!
Ansara: nothing. My aunt just send a pic of her son. So cute na?
Guy: that's a boy?
Girl: strago! You see this *showing phone to him*
Strago: Aaaaah! Keep that away from me! Don't show it to me!
Ansara: what? How could you say that about him? He's so cute!
Strago: Not after you see where they come from!
Agnes: What an earthquake are you talking abou..... OooooOoooh. *Snatching phone from girl and throwing it away*

Guy: So how long do they let you go eat?
Strago: ahahahah! Oh that is a good joke! You really think that they will let you go eat while they don't eat themselves. I don't know who are more meaner. The PGs who don't let you eat....or the ones who tell you to go eat lunch at 4 o clock. By that time they would have started dinner preparation!

Now I want to say a quick story about a leeetle girl who just wanted to become a doctor. But by some twist of fate which was played by the devil itself she had no option but to become a gynaecologist. So that girl was smiling to all the patients to all her co-workers but we all knew that wasn't going to last long. Second year she had juniors to let out all that stress and she started feeling that smiling was a lot of hard work and she preferred losing her shit. By the time she reached final year she was so crazy even the Hulk was like "Shhhh. Calm down. You are crazy woman. Don't bite me!"
Agnes: Oh deary me. Is it because she took OG that she became all crazy and started shouting at people
Strago:.....no. thats just how every girl is when they grow up. Hahahaha!
Agnes:Hahahaha!
Ansara: Really? We are still doing those cliche "girls getting angry" jokes still?
Guy: who cares? It's 2018 and it's still funny!?

I remember (this really happened) I was putting an injection for a patient and behind a lady was screaming in labour pain. Suddenly she was like "I can't take this. I'm going home" and she got off the bed and she starting walking off. I'm like "oi! Whr is she going? I am not trained for this! There is no gynac book which has the chapter "what to do when your fully dilated pregnant patient walks from the bed" The worker just went to her and *phat*  she slapped him and told her to go back to bed. After that I'm looking at the patient I was putting an injection on ".......planning on going anywhere? No? Good!"

I remember a situation (again this is true) where there were 3 ladies screaming at the same time fully pregnant on 3 different BDS and I'm standing in the middle of them pointing my fingers at them like a Mexican stand off saying "Go on...make a move. I dare you. I'm ready. Whoever comes first. This ward ain't big enough for all 3 of us"

Now how do you know the blood level of the patient?
Ansara: oh that's easy. You take their cbc level and...
Strago: such an amateur you are. These OG pgs have so much medical knowledge they will just look at a patient "hmmm. Ok looks a bit anemic. I'm sure she has some 9 level haemoglobin. Get her 2 units"
You'll be like "how the hell? Does this woman have inbuilt blood scanning vision? Even the terminator can't do that with his scanner!" It's a bit like the opera winfrey show "You get a unit blood! You get a blood! Eeeeveryone gets a unit blood!"
PG: She looks anemic! Give her a unit blood!
Girl: "wait what? I'm a crri!"
Pg:doesn't matter. Infuse a unit for her!
Also they think that getting blood is like buying a drink from a vendor machine. If you type your order you'll get it instantly. They don't know it's a pretty long process. So while you are walking to the blood bank they will keep on calling you like a diabetic patient who just wants his candy! "Did you get it? Did you? What?! Get it quickly! I need it! GET MY PRECIOUS CANDYYYYYY"

Ansara: OK THATS IT!
Agnes:.....oh shit!
Ansara:  I did not travel all the way to the middle of a forest with this creep...(Guy: ya. I love you too).... to just listen to you telling cliche detoriating jokes about woman! We know that it is a highly sensitive speciality! I came here to get some tips about how to handle the labour ward! So you are telling me that or I will rip of your head and stuff it up your ass soooo deep that they would have to perform a Cesarian to take it out of your bladder! *Holding a knife at stragos throat*

Strago: Dai dai dai! Where did she get the knife from?
Agnes: hey! Don't look at me. I don't know her close enough to know where she keeps all that.
Strago: ok ok! I'll tell you! Control yourself woman!

Chocolate:
Now PGs are just like dementors! They suck all the happiness away from you. so unfortunately we are all muggles and cannot do patronuses. We can eat chocolate to recover from a dementor attack. I mean hey! It's scientifically impossible to feel bad while eating chocolate
(Sorry to all the poeple who haven't read harry potter..... actually no. It's your fault that you didn't read such an amazing book)

Headphones:-
Rock songs to make you let out the anger and melody songs to soothe you. You can listen to these whenever you want to! Let it be writing notes or walking to the blood bank.

Blank space:-
You need to learn the ability of spacing out. Blanking out. When they go nuts and start shouting at you. You must learn the ability of blocking your ears and allow your favourite song to play in your head. Or you can remember your favourite goal from yesterday's game and instead of the football you can imagine your favourite football player kicking the PGs head. Just consider as your battle armour so that what they say does not penetrate you
Agnes:hehe...that's wat she said..
Ansara: I swear to God I will stab you first!

Happy place movie;-
Get a nice happy movie like a Disney movie or a superhero movie which you love. So all the times you go to the blood bank and wait for them to get your order (sounds like an McDonald's order). You can see a few scenes by then. Trust me. They will send you to get blood so many times that you will finish a full movie trilogy. Hopefully some enternal spotless for your mind

Be there but not there:-
The main thing of labour ward is you should look busy. Not being busy.. looking busy. Just keep walking with one determined look and a fast pace like you are going to find an empty room to change into your Superhero outfit to save the world. Your expression must be so intense that they would be like "Ok. I better not ask him where he was. He's walking so fast he's definitely going to stamp my foot". So every hour use this walk....and just walk out of the ward. Go out...put yr timer for 7 minutes (or however long you feel you can pull it off)...chill...do some stretches.... Listen to your favourite rolling stones song and then once yr timer finishes...waaaaalk back in with that determined pace! Repeat every 45minutes to maintain yr sanity (done and proven by your author ;))

Strago: Now that you have heard what is to be done...time for to take yr leave..STRAGO OUT!....muahahaha...
*Bonfire forming a tornado and then when it goes out they see that strago is missing*
Ansara: wow. That was a dramatic exit
Agnes: yaaa. It's quite a coincidence also that there is a guy running in the background with his pants on fire!
BYE STRAGO! LIE DOWN AND ROLL! THAT WILL PUT OUT THE FIRE!